Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Jewish Name- Joke

What's in a name?
Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her
family name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father
says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find
a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father
tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that
he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg,"
exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real good
Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like
Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."

Walk on Water - Joke

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake.
The priest tells his two colleagues, "I left my fishing rod in the car; I'll
be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the
beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat.
The rabbi stares at this in amazement.
30minutes later, the minister says, "I need to go to the toilet." He, too,
gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room,
walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up
and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand on
the beach."
He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH, he goes straight down
under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is
embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two
can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!!
Again, he is dragged out and again he decides to try. As he is going down
for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think
we should show him where the rocks are?"
The Rabbi and his friends - 3
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations
to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws
a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in
the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands
outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws
all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...

The haircuts - joke

The haircuts
A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser
and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a
holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on
the house." The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and
leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a
shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don’t have
to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just
couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The monk bows, shakes his
hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next
morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a
haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No,
Rabbi, I couldn’t ask you to pay anything, it’s on the house, you are a
learned and wise man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When
the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he
finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.

The sermon

One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will
be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would
like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."
The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his
congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?"
Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

The Sunday school lesson - JOke

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the Rabbi asked if the
children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children
of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians
and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this

make money from another

As soon as Rabbi Levy entered his office, there was Arnold waiting for him.
"I need your advice, Rabbi," says Arnold.
"OK Arnold, how can I help, what’s bothering you?" asks Rabbi Levy
"Rabbi," asks Arnold, "is it right for one man to make money from another
man's errors?"
"No Arnold, it certainly isn’t," replies Rabbi Levy.
"Are you absolutely sure about that?" asks Arnold.
"About that, Arnold, I’m absolutely positive," replies Rabbi Levy.
"I’m so pleased to hear you say this, Rabbi," says Arnold, "so could you
please return the £300 I gave you to marry me to my wife Sadie?"

The "young" Wife JOKE

Abe is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi
Landau is present. Abe is so happy that he decides now is the time to let
out his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcoming
marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.
Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov - and to exchange all the old jokes
"Abe, where will you both live?"
"We’ll be looking for a house near a school.”
"Abe, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly?"
"Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it."
Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says, "Don’t be offended, but I must
ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?"
"To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure," Abe replies.
"Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi," Abe replies.
"Is Hetty rich?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money," replies Abe.

"So, she must be ….. good in bed. Is that so?" asks Rabbi Landau, timidly.
"I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one tell before marriage?" answers Abe.

"But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether
she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether she’s rich, and if you’ve never
made love to her, why on earth do you want to marry her?" asks Rabbi Landau.

"She can drive at night," replies Abe.

The eye test

David leaves London and makes aliyah (emigrates) to Israel. As soon as he
settles down in Tel Aviv, he goes to see the local optician.
"I’m having trouble reading," he says, "maybe you could check my eyes?"
The optician agrees and sits David in front of a large eye test chart. "Can
you read the letters on the bottom line?" he asks.
"No," replies David.
"So how about the next line up?" asks the optician.
Squinting, David replies, "No, I still can’t read them."
"OK," says the optician, "let’s start at the top line. Read out the letters
"But I can’t," says David.
"Are you perhaps a teeny bit blind?" asks the optician.
"Certainly not," replies David, "it’s just that I’ve never learned to read

Truck Crash and the Boss - Joke

Bernie is talking a walk in Brooklyn one cold morning when he hears an
almighty crash behind him. He turns around and sees a "Brooklyn's Best
Kosher Wines" truck lying on its side, with broken bottles all around it and
wine running into the gutter. The driver doesn't seem to be injured, but is
nevertheless weeping openly. A crowd quickly gathers.
"What's the matter?" Bernie asks the driver, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm not hurt," replies the driver, "but my boss, Mr. Epstein, is going
to blame me for the loss of his wine and deduct it from my pay check."
On hearing this, a man suddenly steps forward and says to the crowd, "Oy
vay, did you hear what this poor hard working Jewish guy just said? He's
going to lose a lot of money because of this accident. We can't let this
happen. We have to help him."
At that, he takes off his hat, puts it on the ground next to the driver and
places a $20 bill in it. "Nu? What are you all waiting for?" he says to the
crowd. "Help this man out. It will be a mitzvah."
In no time, the hat is overflowing with money. The man then picks up the hat
and money, gives it to the driver and smiling, says, "Here, this will help
you. Go back to your office and give this to your boss." As the man walks
away, Bernie says to the driver, "Wow! I must tell The Jewish Newspapers
about this. What a mensh that man is - have you ever seen him before?"
"Of course," replies the driver. "That's my boss Mr. Epstein."

"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" JOKE

In the famous city of Chelm, Moshe and his friends had been arguing for some days and eventually, in desperation, they all agreed that he should go to the Rabbi and get his verdict on the question that had them all baffled.
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" Moshe asked the Rabbi.
"Why the moon, of course," replied the Rabbi after some pondering. "It shines at night, when it is needed. The sun, however, shines only during the day, when there is no need of it at all."

The Irony of Being a Jew

The Irony of Being a Jew
When Paul Newman died, they said how great he was but they failed to mention he considered himself Jewish (born half-Jewish).
When the woman (Helen_Suzman) who helped Nelson Mandela died recently, they said how great she was, but they failed to mention she was Jewish.
On the other side of the equation, when Ivan Boesky or Andrew Fastow or Bernie Madoff committed fraud, almost every article mentioned they were Jewish.
However, when Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling, Martha Stewart, Randy Cunningham, Gov. Edwards, Conrad Black, Senator Keating, Gov Ryan, and Gov Blago jevich messed up; no one reported what religion or denomination they were, because they were not Jewish.
This is a reminder of a famous Einstein quote: In 1921, Albert Einstein presented a paper on his then-infant Theory of Relativity at the
Sorbonne, the prestigious French university.
"If I am proved correct," he said, "the Germans will call me a German, the Swiss will call me a Swiss citizen, and the French will call me a great scientist.
"If relativity is proved wrong, the French will call me a Swiss, the Swiss will call me a German, and the Germans will call me a Jew."

blind girl who hated herself - Story

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always
there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, will marry you.'
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The
sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that; the thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him
-ler boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying:
!Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.
Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift

Life Is a Gift
Today, before you say an unkind word, think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food, think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your spouse, think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life, think of someone who went to heaven too early.
Before whining about the distance you drive, think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job, think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down, put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.

The Slow Dentist - Joke

Jonathan has a terrible toothache and goes to see Arnold, his dentist. After looking at the tooth, Arnold says, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the tooth is badly decayed and can't be saved. It will have to come out." "Oy vay," says Jonathan, "how much is it going to cost me?" "For you, "replies Arnold, "only $125." "That's rather a high charge just for maybe 5 minutes work," says Jonathan. "Well," replies Arnold, "if that's how you calculate the cost of high quality dental work, I can always extract it much slower for you."

Parrot in Freezer - Joke

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Joke- I feel very suicidal. What should I do?

Abe is in a terrible state and goes to see Dr Myers, his psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I need your help in a big way. I feel very suicidal. What should I do?"
Doctor Myers replies, "You must pay me in advance."

Joke - At your wedding.

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
This baked ham is really delicious, the priest teased the rabbi. You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, At your wedding.

The Mentch from Malden Mills

The Mentch from Malden Mills
In December 1995, Boston businessman Aaron Feuerstein, a deeply observant Jew who prays at the Young Israel of Brookline, Mass. had just returned home from his seventieth birthday party, when a phone call informed him that his Malden Mills textile factory in Lawrence, Massachusetts, burned down to the ground. Thirty employees had been injured, some seriously.
Three thousand people worked at Malden Mills. When the employ­ees saw the devastation wrought by the fire, they assumed, as one worker put it, "The fire is out of control. Our jobs are gone."
The fire was indeed out of control, but Feuerstein was not.
With the mill in ruins, people who did not know Aaron Feuerstein predicted that he would take the $300,000,000 insurance money and dissolve the business, retiring quite comfortably. His announcement the day after the fire that he intended to rebuild in Lawrence and to continue paying his workers during reconstruction made news all over the country.
He kept his promises. Workers picked up their checks for months. In all, he paid out $25 million and became known as “the Mensch of Malden Mills” - a businessman who seemed to care more about his workers than about his net worth. The press loved him, and so did politicians. He received 12 honorary degrees. He became that rare duck - the businessman as national hero. His generosity brought him international attention and admiration. In January of 1996, with Feuerstein sitting in the presidential box, Bill Clinton acknowledged his actions in the State of the Union address.
Feuerstein explained that he drew on Jewish tradition when faced with the crisis: "When all is moral chaos, this is the time for you to be a mensch."
“I think it was a wise business decision, but that isn't why I did it. I did it because it was the right thing to do,” said Feuerstein a few years ago to Sixty Minutes.
“And what would I do with the 300 million? Eat more? Buy another suit? Retire and die,” asked Feuerstein. “No, that did not go into my mind.”
"I have a responsibility to the worker," he once told Parade Magazine, "both blue-collar and white-collar. I have an equal responsibility to the community. It would have been unconscionable to put 3000 people on the streets and deliver a deathblow to the cities of Lawrence and Methuen. Maybe on paper our company is worthless to Wall Street, but I can tell you it's worth more."
“I got a lot of publicity. And I don't think that speaks well for our times,” says Feuerstein, who is now 85 years old. “At the time in America of the greatest prosperity, the god of money has taken over to an extreme.”Where did he get the inspiration? “The Torah,” he told 60 minutes. "You are not permitted to oppress the working man, because he's poor and he's needy, amongst your brethren and amongst the non-Jew in your community," says Feuerstein, who spent $300 million of the insurance money and then borrowed $100 million more to build a new plant that is both environmentally friendly and worker friendly.
No, the story is not all roses. You know, the good guys don’t always come in first… Malden Mills, the company that rose from the ashes under Reb Aaron’s inspiration and leadership, became so mired in debt that it had to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. All our great Capitalists, of course, blamed Reb Aaron. “He was too generous,” they said.
Yet astonishingly it did not go under and it continues to garner lucrative profits. Malden mills Today thriving once again.
Yet even throughout the entire turmoil, Aaron Feuerstein said, “I do not regret it for a moment. I did the right thing.”
Barbara Lee Toffler is an adjunct professor at Columbia University's Graduate School of Business and an expert on corporate responsibility. When asked by The New York Times about Mr. Feuerstein's actions in the wake of the Malden Mills fire, and about the company's newly precarious economic prospects, she suggested that "it may have been that the desire to take principled action somehow blinded him to thinking long term."
She had it exactly wrong, of course. Long term was precisely what he was thinking. Long term for Professor Toffler and long term for Aaron Feuerstein mean two very different things. For Toffler, an economist, long term thinking means that in ten years you have money to go on yet another vacation. For Reb Aaron, “long term” means thinking in terms of what will allow you to fulfill your mission for which you were created.
This is what I call soul-money. His money was infused with soulfulness. His money and his conscience were linked in a perfect, blissful marriage. Work did not drain him; it invigorated him, because he was not only working as a selfish, greedy Adam 1, but as a servant of G-d, as an Adam 2. He knew that his success is a gift and that his primary role in the world is to “cultivate the garden and nurture it.”
People sometimes don’t grasp this truth: Barnie Madoff is not incarcerated only today. Ten years ago, when still on top of the world, he was also confined to a dungeon even while enjoying his home on the ocean (which you can now buy…). He was confined to a very shallow and horrible existence. His soul was dead.

Oy Money

Oy Money
Money -----It can buy a house But not a home

It can buy a bedBut not rest
It can buy a clock But not time
It can buy a book But not wisdom
It can buy a position But not respect
It can buy medicine But not health
It can buy blood But not life
It can buy friendly relations But not love
It can buy a bodyBut not a soul
It can buy everything in the worldBut not truth
A young and very successful executive named Josh was traveling down a Chicago neighborhood street. He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old.
He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and - WHUMP! - it smashed Into the Jag's shiny black side door! SCREECH!! Brakes slammed! Gears ground into reverse, and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown. Josh jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car. He shouted at the kid, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?!" Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That's my new Jag, that brick you threw is going to cost you a lot of money. Why did you throw it?"
"Please, mister, please... I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do!" Pleaded the youngster.
“What do you mean? You wild crazy boy,” screamed the executive. “You didn’t know what else to do than through a brick on my Jag?? You will pay dearly for this.
"I threw the brick because no one else would stop!" said the boy. Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car. "It's my brother, mister," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's badly hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. Straining, he lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be OK. He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long walk back to the sleek, black, shining, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE -- a long and slow walk. Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention… Because some bricks are softer than others.
How true. Often we get so caught up in our rat race that we can’t pay heed in a real way to anything really important. A child is begging us to stop and listen – and this may be our own child – but we are so busy.

“How Much Land Does a Man Need?”

It is a story about a greedy man named Pakhom, who becomes obsessed with owning land. Finally he is introduced to a family owning enormous quantities of land who give him an unusual offer: for a sum of one thousand rubles Pakhom can walk around as large an area as he wants, starting at daybreak, marking his route with a spade along the way. He has all day to cover by foot as much territory as he would like. If he reaches his starting point by sunset that day, the entire area of land his route encloses will be his!
The man is delighted, as he believes that he can cover a great distance and has chanced upon the bargain of a lifetime. At the end of this day he will finally achieve richness.
The man is excited beyond words. These idiots, he thinks, don’t even know how much land they will be forfeiting today. His journey begins. He tries to cover as much land as possible, not content with what he already has. He goes on, more and more and more and more. He begins to run, and run faster and faster, another mile, another mile. In his glittering imagination he sees all this land belonging to him.
As the sun nearly sets, he realizes his error… He covered so much ground from the starting point, but he has to get back to the starting point. Oy vey, only a few minutes left. He runs back as fast as he can to the waiting family. He never ran so swiftly in his life. He finally arrives at the starting point just as the sun sets. He made it. The family cheers his good fortune, but exhausted from the run, he falls and drops dead. They bury him in an ordinary grave only five feet long… and that is the land he ends up with: 5X2.

the rabbi's gold watch.

Sammy has stolen the rabbi's gold watch.
Rosh Hashanah was coming, and he didn't feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night, to go to the rabbi.
'Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.'
'But Sammy! That's forbidden! You should return it immediately!'
'What shall I do?'
'Give it back to the owner.'
'Do you want it, Rabbi?'
'No, I said return it to its owner.'
'But he doesn't want it.'
'In that case, you can keep it.'

A rabbi, a priest, and a rationalist atheist

A rabbi, a priest, and a rationalist atheist are bound for the guillotine. The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, who shall save me if He so desires." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, but then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so." "It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd.
And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go. Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in the Lord, who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned the priest beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward... stopping just short of its mark once more.
"Another miracle!" screamed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.
Now it was the atheist’s turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the rational atheist didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply: "Oh, I see the problem," the atheist said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"
Poor atheist! He was so committed to his ambition to disprove miracles that he deprived himself from the “miracle” of saving his own life.


Why is it that most people who have nightmares never end up completely escaping the perpetrator during their dreams? In the nightmare you always think you found a good hiding place, but the gunman suddenly discovers you, he pulls the trigger and ---- right at that very moment you wake up in a frightening sweat.
Why don’t you ever actually have a dream in which you manage to escape from the horror and you are fully safe and secure, forever after?
The answer is of course simple and profound: The perpetrator in your dreams is none other than – you yourself! There is no REAL perpetrator in your dream; it is just a side of yourself which you have been repressing. And you can never run from yourself… because the self always comes with you. Therefore, you can never fully hide from the inner perpetrator exposed in the dream.

I am Amish!"

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twersky is a Chassidic psychiatrist from Pittsburgh, who dresses in "serious Chassidic garb": the long black cote, the long white beard, the round black hat; you know – the full garb! Once on an airplane, he was approached by a very irritated and angry Jew. The Jew began chastising him in Yiddish:
"A shandeh! A bushah! What’s the matter with you? Why do you insist on prancing around in that medieval get-up? Don’t you realize how ridiculous you look. You bring scorn and derision onto all Jews! If you could only dress and behave like everybody else…"
"I fail to understand your verbiage," Dr. Twersky responded in a perfect English accent. "Is there something that is bothering you? Perhaps you're mistaking me for somebody else, but – (say very slowly:) I am Amish!"
"Oy vey! I beg your forgiveness," pleaded the quickly back-pedaling Jew. "I didn’t realize that you were Amish. I thought you were Hassidic. You should know that I only have the utmost respect for you and your people — keeping your ways without bowing to society’s whims of the day."
Now it was Dr. Twersky's turn to respond in Yiddish:
"Aha! Oyb eich volt geven Amish…" If I would have been Amish, then you have nothing but the utmost respect for me; but since I am Jewish, you are ashamed with me. Hopefully one day you will respect in your own people that which you admire in other people."

My Grandfather alav hashalom, was not Jewish either.

The offices of the Jewish Federation called a certain guy for a donation and he answered the phone in a thick British accent and an imperious tone, and he said "Madam, there must be a mistake. My name is Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Third and I'm not Jewish." And with that he hung up.
The next day, his card got put in the wrong pile and he was called again, and he said the same thing. "Young lady, there must be some mistake. My name is Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Third and I am not Jewish." The next day, his card got put in the wrong pile again, and this time he really blew up.
"Madam, there must be some mistake," he said. "My name is Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Third, and I am not Jewish. And my father Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Second is also not Jewish, and my grandfather, Oliver Andrew Hamilton the First, alav hashalom, was not Jewish either."

Jewish Guilt

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty but they sent her home. Why? Because she insisted that SHE was guilty.

Is ANYTHING alright?

you know the question of the waitress at every table in a Jewish restaurant: Is ANYTHING alright?

"Begin worrying. Details to follow."

You know the classic Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

“our side of the family”

A little girl asked her mother before her bat mitzvah:
“How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered: “G-d made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered: “Many years ago there were monkeys from which, after millions of years, the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by G-d, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered: “Well, Dear, it is very simple. I was talking about my side of the family, while your father was describing his side of the family.”
Today, on Rosh Hashanah, we pay tribute to “our side of the family” – the great idea of Judaism that each of us, and all of humanity, was conceived in love by G-d who wants us to be happy, successful and maximize our G-d given potentials in life. We are thrilled that each and every one of you has joined us this Rosh Hashanah. Please know that this is your HOME.
There is nothing more exciting for parents when children who were gone for a year return home. There is nothing more exciting for our Father in Heaven than when His child returns home. So welcome and Shanah Tovah!

Machmud the Jew

You know there is a story told…

On his way out from shul in Jerusalem, Dan approached a young man in
Dungarees, backpack, dark skin, curly black hair -- looked Sephardi, maybe

"Good Shabbos. My name is Dan Eisenblatt. Would you like to eat at my
house tonight?"

The young man's face broke in an instant from a worried look to a

"Yeah, thanks. My name is Machi."

Together they walked out of the shul. A few minutes later they were all
standing around Dan's Shabbos table. Dan noticed his guest fidgeting and
leafing through his songbook, apparently looking for something. He asked
with a smile, "Is there a song you want to sing? I can help if you're not
sure about the tune."

The guest's face lit up. "There is a song I'd like to sing, but I
can't find it here. I really liked what we sang in the synagogue tonight. What
was it called? Something 'dodi.'"

Dan paused for a moment, on the verge of saying, "It's not usually
sung at the table," but then he caught himself. "If that's what the kid
wants," he thought, "what's the harm?" Aloud he said, "You mean Lecha
Dodi.Wait, let me get you a siddur."

Once they had sung Lecha Dodi, the young man resumed his silence
until after the soup, when Dan asked him, "Which song now?" The guest looked
embarrassed, but after a bit of encouragement said firmly, "I'd really like
to sing Lecha Dodi again."

Dan was not really all that surprised when, after the chicken, he
asked his guest what song now, and the young man said, "Lecha Dodi, please."
Dan almost blurted out, "Let's sing it a little softer this time, the
neighbors are going to think I'm nuts." He finally said, "Don't you want to
sing something else?"

His guest blushed and looked down. "I just really like that one," he
mumbled. "Just something about it - I really like it."

In all, they must have sung "The Song" eight or nine times. Dan
wasn't sure -- he lost count. Later Dan asked, "Where are you from?" The boy
looked pained, then stared down at the floor and said softly, "Ramallah."

Dan's was sure he'd heard the boy say "Ramallah," a large Arab city
on the West Bank. Quickly he caught himself, and then realized that he must
have said Ramleh, an Israeli city. Dan said, "Oh, I have a cousin there. Do
you know Ephraim Warner? He lives on Herzl Street."

The young man shook his head sadly. "There are no Jews in Ramallah."

Dan gasped. He really had said "Ramallah"! His thoughts were racing.
Did he just spend Shabbos with an Arab? He told the boy, "I'm sorry, I'm a
bit confused. And now that I think of it, I haven't even asked your full
name. What is it, please?"

The boy looked nervous for a moment, then squared his shoulders and
said quietly, "Machmud Ibn-esh-Sharif."

Dan stood there speechless. What could he say? Machmud broke the
silence hesitantly: "I was born and grew up in Ramallah. I was taught to
hate my Jewish oppressors, and to think that killing them was heroism. But I
always had my doubts. I mean, we were taught that the Sunna, the tradition,
says, 'No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that
which he desires for himself.' I used to sit and wonder, Weren't the Yahud
(Jews) people, too? Didn't they have the right to live the same as us? If
we're supposed to be good to everyone, how come nobody includes Jews in
that? "I put these questions to my father, and he threw me out of the house.
By now my mind was made up: I was going to run away and live with the Yahud,
until I could find out what they were really like. I snuck back into the
house that night, to get my things and my backpack.

My mother caught me in the middle of packing. I told her that I wanted
to go live with the Jews for a while and find out what they're really like
and maybe I would even want to convert.

She was turning more and more pale while I said all this, and I
thought she was angry, but that wasn't it. Something else was hurting her
and she whispered gently, 'You don't have to convert. You already are a

"I was shocked. My head started spinning, and for a moment I couldn't
speak. Then I stammered, 'What do you mean?'

'In Judaism,' she told me, 'the religion goes according to the mother. I'm
Jewish, so that means you're Jewish.'

"I never had any idea my mother was Jewish. I guess she didn't want
anyone to know. She whispered suddenly, 'I made a mistake by marrying an
Arab man. In you, my mistake will be redeemed.'

"My mother always talked that way, poetic-like. She went and dug out
some old documents, and handed them to me: things like my birth certificate
and her old Israeli ID card, so I could prove I was a Jew. I've got them
here, but I don't know what to do with them.

"My mother hesitated about one piece of paper. Then she said, 'You may
as well take this. It is an old photograph of my grand-parents which was
taken when they went visiting the grave of some great ancestor of ours.'
"Now I have traveled here to Israel. I'm just trying to find out where I

Dan gently put his hand on Machmud's shoulder. Machmud looked up,
scared and hopeful at the same time. Dan asked, "Do you have the photo

The boy's face lit up. ""Sure! I always carry it with me." He reached
in his backpack and pulled out an old, tattered envelope.

When Dan read the gravestone inscription, he nearly dropped the photo.
He rubbed his eyes to make sure. There was no doubt. This was a grave in the
old cemetery in Tzfat, and the inscription identified it as the grave of the
great Kabbalist and tzaddik Rabbi Shlomo Alkabetz.

Dan's voice quivered with excitement as he explained to Machmud who
his ancestor was. "He was a friend of the Arizal, a great Torah scholar, a
tzaddik, a mystic. And, Machmud, your ancestor wrote that song we were
singing all Shabbos: Lecha Dodi!"

This time it was Machmud's turn to be struck speechless. Dan extended
his trembling hand and said, "Welcome home, Machmud."

“Daddy, Can I buy an hour of your time?"

A Man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 yr.
old son waiting for him at the door, "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure. What is it?" replied the father. "Daddy, how much money do you
make an hour?"

"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" The father
said angrily.

"I just wanted to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
pleaded the little boy.

"If you must know, I make $20 an hour."

Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow $9 please?"

The father was furious. "If the only reason you wanted to know how much
money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other
nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think
about why you're being selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't
have time for such childish games."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The father sat
down and started to get madder about his little boy's questioning. How dare
he ask such questions only to get some money? After an hour he calmed down.
He started to think he might have been a little too hard on his son. Maybe
there was something he really needed to buy with that $9. And he didn't ask
for money often.

The father went to his son's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep,
son?" he asked. "No, daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the father.
"It's been a long day and I took my aggravations out on you. Here's the $9
you asked for."

The little boy sat up straight, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he said.
Then reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled bills. He
counted the money, then looked up at his father.

"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father asked.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
“Daddy, I have $20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"

Good morning Herr Muller

In a queue waiting
to step up to the scales of death was an older Jew, a Rabbi
Rabinovitz, who understood well that his frail frame would serve no
use to these beasts. He knew that his scale should tip to the left.
Before the war, before this madness Rabbi Rabinovitz enjoyed a
tranquil life with his non Jewish neigbours. In fact the Rabbi was
maddeningly polite and would always greet his younger neighbour Herr
Muller with a smile and a tip of the hat. ?good morning Herr Muller?!
He would say, and Muller would respond with a ?good morning herr
Rabbiner!? proud that the Jewish Rabbi paid him such deference. But
then the madness began and suddenly there were no friends for the Jews
and then there were no neighbours and now, now there was a queue for a
scale that inevitably tipped left. As the Rabbi approached the scale,
he dared to look up into the angel of death. Suddenly he stood up
straight, doffed his hat and quietly, imperceptibly, said, ?good
morning Herr Muller?! The scale froze and then very quietly it said,
?good morning herr rabiner? and (make with the hands) tipped right.

Kingdom of Heavan - joke

Harry is strolling down Main St. when he suddenly finds himself in the
middle of a ferocious summer storm. Quickly he ducks into the nearest
doorway, enters the building and settles himself down in the back of
an auditorium when he realizes that he just took refuge in a cathedral
in the middle of a service! Suddenly the minister calls out to all the
assembled: ?all those who want to enter the kingdom of heaven, rise?!
Half the assembled quickly rise. ?ALL WHO WISH TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF
HEAVEN, RISE?!! The other half quickly stand up- but old Harry bleibt
zitzen. ?Sir?! Calls out the minister, ?don?t you want to enter the
heavenly kingdom??
?Sure? says Harry wearily, ?but what?s the rush??

sweets to the

J. Sacks
When I climb the stairs that will take me to the word to come. And they will
ask me by what right do u claim a place in the world to come? I will not say
I was a chief Rabbi I will tell u what I will say. I gave sweets to the
children so they will come to shule they will feel at home in shule. And I
have to say that that is the biggest mitzvah u can do. A religion is as old
as the things it cares for most and if u care for young people most u get
the miracle of Judaism. The worlds oldest faith but still young, why?
Because we care about the young.

we prayed to a G-d who had abandoned us

Eli Wiesel – (describing what happened after the Americans liberated
Buchenwald) What we wanted to do first before eating is to have a religious
service. And we had a religious service. So instead of committing acts of
anger we prayed to a G-d who had abandoned us. To this day I don’t
understand why we did it.

Don't Loose your head

A yungerman came running to the Reb Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev all frantic.
His father in law had given him a large some of money for a business
transaction and he had lost it. And he was so upset he was crying and
screaming. The Berditchive said look I promise u that u will find it. But
first sit down have a hot drink and a piece of cake. In the middle of eating
the yungerman jumped up and ran out. A while later he came back carrying the
sack of money. Thew yungerman asked how did u know I would find it? It was
by my shtender. The Berditchive answere it wasn’t a mofes. I saw when u came
to see me that not only had u lost your money u had also lost your head. The
first thing u needed to do was to compose yourself and get your head back
and then I was sure u would remember were u had left the money

Save a Life with Shirt off Back!

A group of askonim once came to Reb Yesochor Dov of Belz telling him that
their community was in financial crisis and they didn’t know what to do. He
told them the following moshel. A student had studied for many yrs to be a
dr he passed all the exams. He had done very well. He just had to be
interviewed by the head professor. After talking with him for a while he
asked him tell me if u are walking down the st and u see someone bleeding
what would u do? I would take out my bag take some gauze and bandage him.
What happen if u don’t have your bag? I would look for a rag to use. What
happens if u can’t find a rag? The student didn’t know what to answer. The
professor if u don’t know the answer u aren’t ready to become a dr. The
student was very upset he had studied and passed all his exams he just
didn’t know the answer to one question. The proff said if u see some one
bleeding and u don’t have a bandage u should take the shirt off your back.
If u don’t realise this important principle u aren’t ready to become a dr.
Likewise he told the askonim if u will be willing to dig into your own
pockets people will see the importance of the task at hand and they will
join u.

Shofar Erev Rosh Hashana

In the final year of his life the Minchas Elozor took the shofar on Rosh
Chodesh Elul and tried the horn to see if it was in OK condition. Hershelle
was in the room then and was very visibly excited with the shofar and its
sounds; he asked his zeide for "noch ein blooz," one more blast, which his
zeide gladly obliged. From then on, for the next month, this became a
ritual; the Rov blowing once for little Hershelle. On Erev Rosh Hashonoh
Hershelle was there awaiting his daily blast, but he was disappointed.
"Haynt iz Erev Rosh Hashoone, Haynt bloozt men nisht, morgen vet men bloozen
asach mool in shil," his zeide told him. The child knew no Chochmes. He
kicked and screamed, telling his zeide "Nor Ein Blooz! Nor Ein Blooz!" After
a while his zeide had rachmones on his favorite eynikel and took the shofar
and blew one blooz.
On Rosh Hashoneh before Tekios the minhag in Munkacs was that the Rov spoke.
That year the Rov went up before the aron kodesh, opened the ark and said:
"Ribono Shel Olam, Ich darf tshiveh tuhn, ich hub over geven af an halochoh.
It's written that on ERH one mustn't blow shofar, yet I did. He began to sob
uncontrollably and called out: Ribono shel olam, do you know why I
transgressed that halochoh? it was because my young (grand)child lay on the
floor and begged me and cried that I should only blow one blooz for him. My
heart melted, I couldn't bear to watch him cry like that, so I blew once for
him, despite the fact that I shouldn't have. Tatte, how can you stand by and
see how millions of your children are down on the floor and cry out to you,
Tatte eyn blooz - TeKa BeShofar Godol LeChayruseynu, Even if the time is not
right for it yet, the time for Moshiach has yet to arrive, but your children
cry out to you, how can you stand idly by?!"

When Reb Baruch told the story he cried, and recounted how at that time the
crowd cried along with the Rov, the Tekios were delayed, and for a long time
they could not "come to themselves, loud wailing was heard throughout the
shul." (Such stories can always be told, and one can always learn from

Post Dated Check - Joke

A Man lost control of his vehicle and plowed into a pasture killing a two
month old calf. Mortified the man jumped out of his car and offered to pay
the farmer for his cow. Well, said the farmer, today the calf is worth
five-hundred dollars but in two years time it will be worth nine-hundred
dollars. You owe me nine hundred, concluded the farmer. The driver obliged
him and wrote out a check for nine hundred dollars. With a flourish he post
dated it for two years.

Saved by a German

It was during the First World War when Solomon Geier, a German Jewish
soldier saw a fellow soldier hit by a bullet and fall to the ground. At
great risk to himself, Solomon jumped out of his bunker and dragged his
comrade to safety where medics saved his life. Solomon returned to fight his
war and never learned the name of the soldier whose life he had saved.

Several decades later, in November of 1938, Solomon and his family applied
for visas to emigrate from Germany, when a late night knock was heard at the
door. In Berlin of the 1930s late night visitors never brought good news so
Solomon could be excused for expecting the worst when he opened the door to
admit a tall Gestapo officer.

Solomon Geier asked the officer? Yes, the trembling Solomon replied. You
won’t recognize me said the officer, but you saved my life in the last war.
I recognized your name when it came up on a list last night and I have come
tonight to inform you that your family, among hundreds of others, is slated
to be deported tomorrow night; make yourself scarce. With that the officer
turned and quickly strode out, turning at the last minute to call “The debt
has been paid.”

Solomon and his family spent the entire night alerting friends to flee to
safety and left the country the very next day. The next night was
Kristalnacht, when many Jews were injured, deported and executed. Solomon’s
single act of saving a life saved his own life as well as hundreds of Jews
and thousands of their descendants several decades later.
The Talmud teaches that charity saves lives.

The Wave

A wave is riding along the ocean having a grand time. As it draws near shore
he notices the waves ahead of him crashing against the shore. My G-d, he
breathes, this is terrible. Look what’s going to happen to me. Along comes
another wave and asks, why are you so sad? You don’t understand, says the
first wave, all of us waves are going to be nothing. Isn’t it terrible? No.
You don’t understand, replies the first wave. You are not a wave. You are
part of an ocean.

3 Rabbis on a Train - Joke

Three rabbis were traveling to a conference accompanied by the presidents of
their respective Synagogues. The presidents were surprised when the rabbis
walked away from the ticket counter with only one ticket between them. A
smile spread across their faces when they watched the rabbis pack into a
bathroom. When the conductor knocked on the door they simply passed their
single ticket under the door. The presidents congratulated the rabbis on
their ingenious method of cutting down on travel expenses and saving the
Synagogue some money.

At the next station the presidents decided to be as frugal as the rabbis and
purchased a single ticket for the three of them. They were surprised when
they noticed that the rabbis did not even purchase a single ticket. The
presidents crammed into one of the bathrooms on the train and when they
heard a knock they dutifully slipped their ticket under the door.

The rabbis promptly took it and walked into the other bathroom…

1938 Chanukah Miracle

It happened shortly after Kristelnacht in 1938 that a Jewish family was
trying to escape Germany on a train bound for Holland. They worried that the
Gestapo agents at the border would find fault with their papers and find an
excuse to detain them. This was the last night of Chanukah and the family
had not had a chance to light the Chanukah candles. When they arrived at the
border a long line of Gestapo agents boarded the train, but as they began to
examine the passports the lights in the entire station went out. The father
of this Jewish family pulled out his Menorah and quickly lit eight candles
in succession.

The lights attracted unwanted attention and the little cabin quickly filled
with unsmiling Gestapo agents. But these agents did not pay the Jews any
attention. They simply used the candle light to perform their duties and
inspected the passports of the train’s passengers. When the last passport
was examined the agents turned to the Jewish family and thanked them
politely for providing emergency lights. So grateful were they that they
forgot to check the passports of the Jewish family thus saving their lives.

As soon as the agents left the train the lights in the entire station came
back on and the train crossed the border.

A modern Chanukah miracle. The lights went out to save this family and so
long as their Chanukah lights burned they were safe. It is truly an amazing
story. But for our purposes this story has a message. So long as the
blinding lights of the station burned the Jew was in danger. So long as the
lights of economic success burn we live in a bubble of illusion that
jeopardizes the true purpose of life. The glittering lights of success blind
us from the inspiring message of life’s true meaning and we continue to live
the illusion. Once the lights go out, the new realization can dawn. The
former false lights are replaced by lights that illuminate the true meaning
of life. The former lights of transient value are replaced by lights that
allow us access to eternity; lights that radiate a heavenly message and
impart a humble truth.

The Fisherman

They tell a story of a man who docked his fishing boat at eight in the
morning with the hold half empty. Why did you come in so early, asked a
Because I have caught enough to sustain me for the day, replied the
How will you spend the rest of the day?
I will smoke my pipe, relax with my family and enjoy some quiet time.
Why don’t you stay out a little longer and make a little more money?
What would I do with more money?
You could buy another boat, hire someone to run it and make even more money.

And what would I do with that money?
I suppose you could buy more boats and have a fleet; this way you could make
real money.
And what would I do with real money?
Well you could diversify into other lucrative opportunities and really
strike it rich.
And what would I do if I were rich?
I suppose if you really wanted to you could retire early.
And what would I do with an early retirement?
Well, replied the stranger, somewhat flummoxed, you would do whatever you
wanted to do. You could do a little fishing, you could smoke a cigar, enjoy
your family and maybe have some quiet time…..
That, the fisherman replied pointedly, Is what I do already. . .

Smaller Piece - Joke

One evening Simon Feldman takes his friend John McConnell to dinner. As soon
as the waiter brings out the stakes Simon grabs the larger of the two for
himself, upsetting his friend John. If you had the chance to pick first,
asked Simon, which one would you have picked? The smaller one of course,
replied John. So what are you so upset about? That’s what you got!

Thank G-d - Joke

An American Jew visits Russia and is asked about life in America. Thank G-d,
he replies, life is good, and how is life in the Soviet Union? Here, replies
the Russian, it is also good, but here we don’t say thank G-d. Here we say
Thank Brezhnev. What will you say when Brezhnev dies, the American inquires.
Then we will say thank G-d, replies the Russian.

Friday, September 11, 2009


HOW TO STAY SAFE IN THE WORLD TODAY: Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20 % of all fatal accidents. Do not stay at home because 17 percent of all accidents occur in the home. (that's 37 % already) Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14 percent of all accidents occur to pedestrians.(now that's 51%) Avoid traveling by air, trains or buses, 16 percent of accidents involve these forms of transportation. (that's 67%) Of the remaining 33 percent, 32 percent of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else avoid hospitals. You will be pleased to learn that only 0.01 % of all deaths occur in a synagogue, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is in Synagogue. Torah Study is even safer. The number of deaths during Torah Study is too small to register. For safety's sake, go to Shul as often as possible, and attend Torah Study. It could save your life! Author Unknown PS: You don't have to be Jewish to go to shul. You may not understand what the old guys are saying but sometimes they serve wine in paper cups.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Story: Fear of getting disconnected

BY: Eliezer Shemtov

i met a community activist at a reception a few days ago and he tells me:hey, rabbi, it's nice to see you...
i answered him: well if you think it's so nice, you know where to findme....
well, he says, i'm not into your movement.... i am not a believer.
you can still come for a coffee, i replied...
you know, there are some things that i do, not so much as a matter of beliefas a matter of fear, he continues..
for example? I ask
For example Iom Kipur. I fast on Iom Kipur and do not want to stop doing itbecause I am afraid.
what are you afraid of? i asked...
who knows? he says.
I responded: I will tell you what you are afraid of. You are afraid ofgetting disconnected. if that is the case, why not do things that willstrengthen your connection rather than just refrain from doing things that ufeel will sever that connection?

To save a life - StarFish

There is a story of the boy who is walkingalong the sea shore throwing starfish, who washed up onto the sand, backintothe sea. A man approaches him and says "what are you doing? There arethousands of washed up starfish, you can only throw in a handful, whatdifference will throwing a few of them back into the sea make?"The boy picks up a starfish and tosses it back into the sea and responds"to that starfish it made a difference."May daughter said to the reporter "My father may have only saved one life,but to that man, to his family and to his children, it made a hugedifference.

Story: I'll put on Tefillin BUT NO KIPA!

One of Anash in Johannesburg did his Purim seuda this year with only peoplethat he and his wife knew normally wouldn't have a seuda otherwise. One ofthe guest called up a day before and said their friend wants to bring aJewish friend from their public school and he happily agreed. A day laterthe guest calls to say that the parents of this friend wanted to know ifthey could come to as they are Jewish but never attended anything Jewish atall and since their child was going they would like to come along, and ofcourse the parents are invited too...
At the party he notices that this parent of the friend is standing on theside somewhat lonely and goes over, says L'chaim and while talking theydiscover that their offices are right near each other. "okay, I'll cometomorrow to put on tefillin with you!" The guy, who didn't even know whatTefillin are laughingly agrees, joking that you wont even remember tomorrow.
He shows up in the office the next day and the guy, surprised to see him,welcomes him inside to his office - which is full of buddhist getchkes. Whenhe asks him if they can perhaps go somewhere else the guy says no, notreally and so they agree to do it on the side.
When he pulls out the Yarmulkeh, the guy says "that I won't do, becausealthough I know nothing about Judaism, the one thing I know is that the headcovering is supposed to symbolize belief in G-d, so if you want to put onTefilin with me anyways then fine, but no Yarmulkeh. After debating in hishead whether or not to do it, the orayso of tefilin wins and he says, okwe'll put it on anyways"
"Really, you'll let me put it on anyways?, ok, do you have a yarmulkah forme to wear..." So they start putting on Tefilin, the guy (wearing ayarmulkeh...) repeating word for word, not recognizing the brochos, thelanguage etc.
As they start saying the words Shema Yisroel however, the man starts gettingvery emotional and by the time they reach Echod he's broken down inuncontrollable sobbing... When they finish Shema, he asks to see thetranslation in english of the words he said but when reading them doesntseem to be moved by their content in any significant way.
After they finish taking off the tefilin the man explains.
My parents were German holocaust survivors of the concentration camps. Afterthe war they got married and in their disdain for anything Jewish theyescaped to South Africa and with German names were never identified as Jewsand never associated with anything Jewish. The only thing Jewish of myupbringing was that any time anything Jewish was mentioned or discussed myparents would get very angry and it was something we never discussed orengaged in.
My one memory though, is that as a child I remember my mother waking upnight after night, shrieking in horror through the nightmares that wouldrevive the horrible memories of her experiences. Through all the screamingthe only thing I would hear besides for her sobbing was her screaming aloudthe words "Shema Yisroel Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echod...."
(...The koach of Shema Yisroel to pierce through the rishus of the nazis,the assimilation of the diaspora and the eternal struggle of the neshomo...)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,Raised a glass of water and asked'How heavy is this glass of water?'Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.It depends on how long you try to hold it.If I hold it f or a minute, that's not a problem.If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'He continued,
'And that's the way it is with stress management.If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,We won't be able to carry on. ''As with the glass of water,You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.''So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.Don't carry it home.You can pick it up tomorrow.Whatever burdens you're
carrying now,Let them down for a moment if you can.'So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.