In Bed - Joke

 Mrs. Greenberg was teaching her first grade class about saying blessings and praying.

"For example children,” said Mrs. Greenberg “Before we go to sleep we should sing shema.

“Who here says their prayers at night?"

Little Chaim answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said Mrs. Greenberg, "And what does your mother say?"

Chaim replied, "THANK G-D, HE'S IN BED!

Hashem Himself will help us!

 A couple once came to the Kozhnitzer Maggid and asked for a bracha for a child. “I cannot help you,” said the Maggid. Hearing this, the husband put a gold coin on the table and asked again. When the Maggid said that he still cannot help, the husband placed another coin on the table, the Maggid again refused, and this repeated itself several times. Finally, the wife scooped up all the coins, and said to her husband, “This isn’t working. Let’s leave this place. Hashem Himself will help us!” Hearing this, the Maggid’s face began to shine and he smiled and announced, “Now you will be blessed! Until now you believed that only I could help you. Once you remembered that it is Hashem Who can help you, He will truly help you and you will be blessed!” 

Joke: yankel is a billionaire

Harry called up his old friend Berny . Can we meet Saturday morning?
 I’m busy, Berny says. What are you up to? I go to shul now Saturday mornings!
 Really? You? You go to shul? Asks Harry.  You are an atheist! And you are on a diet, so you can’t even enjoy the Kiddish? I will tell you, says Berny. You remember our friend Yankel Miller? Rumor has it that he started to go to shul on Shabbos morning, and he became a billionaire. So I also started to go to shul on Saturday mornings. Really Berny? And what do you do in shul? You talk to G-d? You don’t even believe He exists? No, says Berny. Never! That’s what Yankel does in shul. He talks to G-d. I go to shul to talk to Yankel!

Joke: prayer in Casino

What is the difference between prayer in synagogue and prayer in a casino?
When you pray in a casino, you really mean it…

An Atheist Businessman who Believes in the Power of Prayer

An atheist businessman decided to open a disco business right opposite a church. The church started a petition to stop the disco from opening and the congregation prayed daily against the disco business. One day a violent lightning struck the disco and it was burnt to the ground. The businessman sued the church on the grounds that the church through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his disco. In its reply to the court, the church members denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the destruction of the disco building. The judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have an atheist businessman who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church congregation that doesn’t.”

Joke - Members who died in Service

Rabbi walks out of the sanctuary and sees the young Daniel staring at the memorial wall. He says, "Daniel, welcome to shul. I see that this is your first time here, you look bewildered, perplexed. What's on your mind? Why do you seem so confused?"

Daniel replies, "Rabbi, I'm fascinated by this wall. I love the lights and how they shine on the names, but I just can't figure out what this is all about."

"Oh Daniel," says the Rabbi, "it's quite simple, these are names of people who davened in this shul and now passed on, we remember their memories by lighting a candle on these special days."

But Rabbi, I still don't get it, what's up with those flags in the middle section? "Daniel, those are the names of members who died in service?"
In utter shock, Daniel replies: Really Rabbi!!? Which service? Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur?!

Story: The Taxis & the Minyan

I want to share with you a most amusing and heartwarming story:

A man living in Jerusalem was saying kaddish for a parent who died. Each day he would say kaddish at the daily services in the synagogue. It was his way of connecting to the soul of his loved one. Returning home one night at 3:00am from a wedding, he fell into bed exhausted. As soon as he had turned out the light, he realized that he hadn’t prayed Ma’ariv, the evening prayer. He missed the kaddish for his beloved mother. With tremendous effort, he dragged himself out of bed and started to dress.

Where to find a minyan at this time of the morning? 3 AM?

No problem. As anyone who lives in Jerusalem can tell you, day or night, you can always find a minyan at the shteibelach—the small synagogues in the Zichron Moshe neighborhood.

That night there was a miracle. Zichron Moshe was totally deserted; no one was there; nary a hobo, nada.

Taking out his cellular phone, he dialed the number of a large taxi company.

“Hello! Can you please send six taxis to the shteibelach in Zichron Moshe?”

“Adoni (my dear sir)! It’s three o’clock in the morning! You think I have six taxis? What do you think I am, a magician? …I only have five.”

“Okay. So send five!”

He dialed another number. “Hello, please send five taxis to Zichron Moshe…”

“Your crazy? Atah meshugah. I only have four!

“okay so send four.”

Within twenty minutes, there was a procession of nine taxicabs parked neatly outside the shteiblach.

“Adoni,” said one of the drivers, “Why do you need nine taxis? There’s no wedding here, no Bar Mitzvah, nothing.”

“I want you all to turn your meters on and come inside with me. We are going to pray together the evening prayer — arvit ”

“I will pay each of you just as if your giving me a lift. For every minute you are here, I will pay you.”

Dusty yarmulkes (skullcaps) emerged from the glove compartments of the taxis, some woken from a hibernation that stretched back to their owner’s own bar mitzvah.

It wasn’t easy. Despite being obviously fluent in Hebrew, the drivers had no idea how to pray: what and when to answer; when they should pray aloud and when in silence.

It took them quite a while. But the kaddish man, showd them exactly what do do. They had the most incredible, moving prayer at 3:30 AM in Jerusalem, and he said kaddish after his mother.

When they had finished, everyone went out to the taxis; the meters in the cars were pushing upwards of 90 shekels each car. The drivers turned off their meters and the man pulled out his wallet. He would dash out around 800 shekel to all the drivers to pay them for their time.

“How much do I owe you?” he said to the first taxi driver in the line.

“Adoni, what do you take me for? Do you honestly believe I would take money from you who just gave me such an opportunity to help my fellow Jew say kaddish?

He moved down the line to the second driver. Identical reaction. “Do you know how long it is since I prayed?” you want me to take money from you?

And the third and the fourth, all the way down the line to the ninth…

Not one would take a penny.

They embraced and they drove off to a new morning in the holy city of Jerusalem!

Forgiveness

A Sunday School teacher had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure she had made her point. She said, “Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness of sin?”

There was a short pause and then, from the back of the room, a small boy spoke up. "Sin," he said.

Simple Prayers - Baal Shem Tov

The Rebbe Rashab based this interpretation on a story he heard from the Baal Shem Tov when he visited his holy resting place at Mezhibuzh. At that time the Baal Shem Tov related that on his 16th birthday (18 Elul, 5474/1714) he had found himself in a small village. The local innkeeper was a very simple person who hardly knew how to read the prayers, let alone understand what they meant. He was, however, a very G‑d-fearing individual. On all matters and at all times he would quote the same phrase in the Holy Tongue, “Blessed be He; may He be blessed forever.” His wife too would always say in Yiddish, “Praised be His holy Name.”

That day, in accordance with the age-old custom of meditating in solitude for some time on one’s birthday, the Baal Shem Tov went off by himself to the fields. He recited chapters of Tehillim and engaged in unifying the Divine Names that emanate from its holy verses.

“As I was immersed in this,” the Baal Shem Tov related, “and unaware of my surroundings, I suddenly saw Elijah the Prophet. There was a smile on his lips. I was taken aback. For when I had been with the tzaddik R. Meir, and also when I had been in the company of the hidden tzaddikim, I had merited to see Elijah, but this was the first time that I had merited his appearance while all alone. I wondered about it. And besides, why was he smiling?

“Elijah said to me: ‘You are toiling so mightily to have the proper mystical intentions in bringing about the Supernal Unions of the Divine Names that emanate from the verses of Tehillim. And Aharon Shlomo the innkeeper and his wife Zlata Rivkah know nothing of the Unifications that result from his “Blessed be He; may He be blessed forever,” and from her “Praised be His holy Name.” Yet the Divine harmonies they create resonate in all the heavens more than all the Unifications of the Holy Name that are effected by the mystical intentions of the greatest tzaddikim.’

“Elijah described to me,” continued the Baal Shem Tov, “the great pleasure, as it were, that results in heaven from the words of praise and adoration uttered by men, women and children. Especially so, when they come from the mouths of simple folk. And most especially, when these praises are offered consistently, for then these people are constantly united with G‑d in pure faith and with an undivided heart.”

* * *

Having recounted this episode, the Rebbe Rashab added that it served as the basis for his additional interpretation of “breath untainted by sin” — that it applies not only to children but also to adults who act with pure faith and heartfelt simplicity, and who are thereby constantly united with G‑d, at all times and in all places.

Rabbi Cleans Streets

On the Tel Aviv street next to the Sadigerer Shul, an elderly Yemenite Jew
worked diligently, sweeping the street. He worked quickly and methodically,
sweeping first one side of the street and then the other. When he approached
the entrance to the shul, however, he stopped sweeping and passed by the
building with his broom aloft. Then he continued sweeping the road.



My grandfather, Rabbi Chaskel Besser, who resided in Tel Aviv at the time
and frequented the shul, noticed this odd behavior and wondered about it. He
approached the street cleaner and asked him how come he had not swept in
front of the shul.



The gentleman looked at my grandfather. "The rabbi doesn't allow me to."



My grandfather's curiosity was aroused, and he approached the Sadigerer
Rebbe and asked for an explanation, but the rabbi only smiled. My
grandfather asked again, and then again, until finally, the rabbi told his
story.



The rabbi had been visiting Vienna in 1938 when the Nazis entered Vienna.
They immediately sought out the prominent Jews and arrested them, among them
the Sadigerer Rebbe.



In a chilling hint of the humiliation and degradation which they intended to
visit upon the Jews, they took these Jewish leaders and found different ways
to publicly disgrace them.



The Sadigerer Rebbe, a man of regal bearing and conduct, was given a little
brush and stood in front of the great Vienna Opera House. They placed a
small street cleaner's hat on his head, and ordered him to sweep the stairs
of the building with this ridiculously ineffective brush.



As this holy rabbi stooped on those ornate steps, tears streaming down his
cheeks, he whispered a prayer, and a vow, to God:



"Almighty, save me from these beasts. Lead me out of this country and to
your home, the land of Israel. And I promise that there I will sweep the
streets with delight and gratification."



The rabbi smiled at my grandfather. "Thus, I insist that the street cleaner
leave those precious few yards of sidewalk, the entrance to God's house, for
me to sweep."

Prayer and Baseball

Someone once defined a baseball game as a place where 40,000 people who need exercise watch
18 people who don't. Well, maybe, we can define High Holiday service as a place where
hundreds of people who need to improve in prayer watch one person, the chazzan, who doesn't.


Friends, it’s tempting to be spectators at the prayer service, rather than full participants. It’s easy
to just follow the lead of the rabbi and the cantor, to let our minds wander while our mouths say
the words. This prayer reminds us that our devotion needs to involve our whole being, our whole
concentration.

Joke - "dear G-d, never mind; I found one on my own."

A Jewish guy is driving to work one day... he starts looking for a parking space and notices he's gonna be late... there's no parking anywhere.

He looks up at the sky and says to G-d: "dear Lord I promise that if you help me find a parking space i'll start eating only kosher food, rest on Saturday and do all the mitzvas I'm supposed to..." 5 seconds later he finds a parking space... he looks up at the sky again: "dear G-d, never mind; I found one on my own."

“And G-d heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of G-d called to Hagar out of heaven, and said to her "What ails you, Hagar? Fear not, for G-d has heard the voice of the lad where he is," “baasher hoo sham.” (Genesis 21:17).

What is the meaning of those last three words “where he is?” 

There is a deep message conveyed here. G-d listens to people “where they are.” Often, when a person finds himself in a situation with many distractions and difficulties, he is likely to say: "When my situation improves, then I will be able to do what I really aspire to do, to seek holiness, to study Torah and do mitzvoth, to connect to G-d, but not right now. Now all I can think about are these problems, holiness will have to wait until other things calm down."

But that is not the Jewish approach. Let us recall the words of G-d to Moses at the burning bush, when he tried to approach the burning bush: “Ki hamakom asher atah omed alav admas kodesh hu.” The place upon which you are standing, that is the exact situation in which you find yourself, is a holy place. In whatever distracting and difficult situation you find yourself, there are opportunities for holiness. A relationship with G-d does not depend on you being completely pure and refined. Wherever we are in our life, we can touch the Divine. Wherever you are in life, you can reach out to G-d. You don’t need to move away from your space and be something which you are not. G-d does not want masks; he wants the real you. He wants your truth, your passion, your heart, your struggles, your reality. “Baasher Hoo Sham.” He wants to see what you really look like. Wherever you are and whoever you are, G-d will listen to you.

Don’t Stop Praying

Don’t Stop

In the portion of Vaeschanan, Moses prays to enter into the Land. The word Vaeschanan is the numerology of 515, indicating that Moses prayed 515 prayers to nullify the Divine decree against his entry into the Holy Land. Finally, G-d told him: Enough! Do not pray any more. Why did G-d not want him to pray any longer?

Says the Munkatcher Rebbe (in his commentary Chaim Vesholom), because   G-d knew, that with one more prayer, Moses would have broken the decree! So G-d told him, stop praying.

And the Munkathcer concludes: Sometimes Jews get tired of praying for Moshiach and redemption. They should learn from this that it is a mistaken approach. The power and potency of prayer is unbelievable.

Story: The Grandmother who called at her own Shiva

Heard from Rabbi Shmuel Hendel in Kfar Chabad, told to him by Rabbi EliyahuSegal of Rishon L'Tzion.

An elderly lady living in a nursing home in New York passed away. Her children, who always visited her and took care of her, did their duty and did a proper Jewish Tahara and burial.

On the 5th day of sitting shiva, the phone rang and the daughter sitting shiva answered the phone. On the other end of the phone was her mother, whom she just buried. The daughter, in shock, immediately fainted.

The phone rang again and it was her mother again, complaining that no one came to visit her that week. The family then rushed to the nursing home and it turned out there was a mix-up at the nursing home and it was her roommate that passed away and not their mother. This means that the wrong family buried the person… imagine hoe everybody felt about this crazy mistake. So now the nursing home had the grim job of informing the children of the other lady that their mother died 5 days ago. The nursing home called and was trying to break it to these children slowly, but before they could even tell the children what happened, the children callously answered, “If this call has anything to do with our mother, we are not interested.”

The children said, “All day long our mother wastes her time and just prays and prays and says Psalms.” The children then added, “And the one thing she prays for is that when she dies she should have a proper Jewish burial. But,” the children cruelly said, “We will outsmart her and when she dies we will spite her and make sure she will not have a proper Jewish burial! We don’t believe in all these religious myths. Cremation is far cheaper and more appropriate.”

The nursing home then explained to them it was too late as she already received her proper Jewish burial!

Look at the power of prayer and to the extent G-d will turn the world around to answer a prayer. Here this pious lady only prayed for one thing, a proper burial. Knowing it was almost impossible, due to her children’s apathy and selfishness, yet she didn’t give up. So G-d orchestrated this whole mix-up to respond to the prayers of this woman.

Our Grandchild Comes Home

Our Grandchild Comes Home                                                                                                                         

There was a very secular Jews living in Tel Aviv, who had absolutely no interest in anything related to Judaism. He was a self-proclaimed leftist anti-religious type of fellow. One day he was walking passed a shul in Tel Aviv and there was a Jew standing outside the shul yelling "Mincha! Mincha!" We need one man. The fellow continued walking. The Jew ran after him and explained that they needed a tenth man for the minyan. He replied, "I'm not interested." But the Jew was persistent (perhaps he had Yahrtzeit...). He kept begging and begging, until finally against his better judgment, the secular Jew fellow allowed himself to be pulled into the synagogue for the afternoon prayer service.

As hard as it is to believe, unfortunately, there are many Jews in Eretz Yisrael who have never witnessed, let alone, participated, in a minyan, in a prayer service, they never even witnessed other people praying. This Jew was one of them. He grew up in a very secular home. His grandfather was observant, but his parents have become completely secular and they never ever took him to a shul.

The fellow sat in shul watching people say Ashrei, say Kaddish, and then everyone stood up to daven Shmoneh Esrei, the Amidah. Shul goers  have seen this all our lives, and think that it is no big deal to see people standing, "shuckling" (rocking back and forth), quietly reciting the standing prayer. But the first time a person sees this, it can be an amazing sight when suddenly Jews who don’t stop yapping, stand in silence, sway back and forth, and talk to G-d.

This secular Israeli was taken aback by what he saw during those 15 minutes of praying Mincha in the Tel Aviv shul. He left the synagogue immediately after Mincha, but he decided that he would have to look into the matter further. He began studying Judaism seriously and ultimately got very involved in Jewish life and observance.

The story began circulating in town. One friend was scoffing about this to this man’s father. “What happened to your son? He is a clever and educated man. How did he get brainwashed in 15 minutes?”

The father, himself a very secular Jew, responded that there was much more to the story than what meets the eye.

You see, he said, “my own father, the boy's grandfather, was a deeply religious European Jew. He came to Tel Aviv many years ago, and lived his life as an observant Jew in Tel Aviv. I, like many of my generation of young sabras, abandoned Jewish observance completely. We were determined to form a new generations of Jews, good Zionists, but completely secular. Nationalism replaced spirituality.

“But you see, my father davened every single day in a specific shul in Tel Aviv. He davened with devotion and concentration, while we mocked his sincerity and faith which was inconsistent with the modern age. Do you know in which shul he davened? It was the very shul that was lacking one man for a minyan for Mincha the day my son passed by and was pulled in.

“I know that it was the intense prayers of my father which called his grandson back to this very same synagogue… it was not only 15 minutes that he spent in a shul; it was 15 minutes in a shul soaked with my father’s tears, blood, sweat, faith, and self-sacrifice for Judaism. That is what did my son in…”

    

Why Should I buy Tefillin?

Why Should I buy Tefillin?


In answer to a number of emails sent to me privately – in case anyone is wondering if the historical/holocaust emotional stuff really works let me tell you of something that happened to my son R’ Eli Gutnick here in Melbourne this past Elul.

Eli is our sofer here in Melbourne and he regularly speaks to Bar Mitzvah boys and their fathers about Tephilin – shows them how they’re made etc. After addressing one school group during this past Elul one very sceptical father talks to him and finishes with “Give me one good reason that will convince me, a totally non-practicing Jew, to fork out money to buy a pair of tephillin for my son.”

Without saying a word Eli takes out his iphone and brings up the famous picture of the barefooted yid standing next to a line of bodies (he was reportedly reciting Kaddish) He is wrapped in a Tallis and broken-open tephillin are prominently on his head and arm. A group of grinning and laughing Nazi soldiers are standing around him posing with the Jew they are about to murder.


The father looks at the picture for a good few minutes then looks up at Eli and says “How much is your most expensive pair....?”

It’s an appropriate thought for Yizkor – with the usual lesson that we who say Yizkor should reassure the neshomos of our parents and Kedoshim who join us for those special moments that we and our children are Thank G-d able to put on Tallis and Tephillin and pledge greater commitment to do so and to generally carry on the heritage we have received from them. We need to be able to tell them proudly that we are part of assuring that “Am Yisroel Chai....”.

Shachrit Every 90 Min!

NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races, color and creed. They recently realized they had excluded the clergy so they invited a priest, a minister, and a Rabbi to orbit the earth in a shuttle. Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions.
First the priest emerged, beaming and happy. His statement was full of joy. He said, 'It has totally amazing, I saw the sun rise and set, I saw the beautiful oceans.'
Then the minister emerged, also happy and at peace. He said, 'I saw the magnificent earth, our home, I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe.'
Then the Rabbi came out.He was completely disheveled, his beard was tangled and in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can't imagine. They asked him, 'Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?'He threw his hands in the air crazily and replied, "ENJOY??? What was to enjoy??? Oyoyoy! Every 90 minutes the sun was rising and setting!On with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, shacharit, mincha, maariv!... Gevalt!!!!!!"

we prayed to a G-d who had abandoned us

Eli Wiesel – (describing what happened after the Americans liberated
Buchenwald) What we wanted to do first before eating is to have a religious
service. And we had a religious service. So instead of committing acts of
anger we prayed to a G-d who had abandoned us. To this day I don’t
understand why we did it.

Shofar Erev Rosh Hashana

In the final year of his life the Minchas Elozor took the shofar on Rosh
Chodesh Elul and tried the horn to see if it was in OK condition. Hershelle
was in the room then and was very visibly excited with the shofar and its
sounds; he asked his zeide for "noch ein blooz," one more blast, which his
zeide gladly obliged. From then on, for the next month, this became a
ritual; the Rov blowing once for little Hershelle. On Erev Rosh Hashonoh
Hershelle was there awaiting his daily blast, but he was disappointed.
"Haynt iz Erev Rosh Hashoone, Haynt bloozt men nisht, morgen vet men bloozen
asach mool in shil," his zeide told him. The child knew no Chochmes. He
kicked and screamed, telling his zeide "Nor Ein Blooz! Nor Ein Blooz!" After
a while his zeide had rachmones on his favorite eynikel and took the shofar
and blew one blooz.
On Rosh Hashoneh before Tekios the minhag in Munkacs was that the Rov spoke.
That year the Rov went up before the aron kodesh, opened the ark and said:
"Ribono Shel Olam, Ich darf tshiveh tuhn, ich hub over geven af an halochoh.
It's written that on ERH one mustn't blow shofar, yet I did. He began to sob
uncontrollably and called out: Ribono shel olam, do you know why I
transgressed that halochoh? it was because my young (grand)child lay on the
floor and begged me and cried that I should only blow one blooz for him. My
heart melted, I couldn't bear to watch him cry like that, so I blew once for
him, despite the fact that I shouldn't have. Tatte, how can you stand by and
see how millions of your children are down on the floor and cry out to you,
Tatte eyn blooz - TeKa BeShofar Godol LeChayruseynu, Even if the time is not
right for it yet, the time for Moshiach has yet to arrive, but your children
cry out to you, how can you stand idly by?!"


When Reb Baruch told the story he cried, and recounted how at that time the
crowd cried along with the Rov, the Tekios were delayed, and for a long time
they could not "come to themselves, loud wailing was heard throughout the
shul." (Such stories can always be told, and one can always learn from
them.)