Wednesday, October 15, 2014
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
Thursday, October 2, 2014
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads: The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before it's Too Late! As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you Religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge is down'?"
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
A very skilled and extraordinary carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer/contractor of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life. The contractor was sorry to see his amazing worker go and asked if he could build just one more house for full pay as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career. When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you." What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well.
An atheist businessman decided to open a disco business right opposite a church. The church started a petition to stop the disco from opening and the congregation prayed daily against the disco business. One day a violent lightning struck the disco and it was burnt to the ground. The businessman sued the church on the grounds that the church through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his disco. In its reply to the court, the church members denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the destruction of the disco building. The judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have an atheist businessman who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church congregation that doesn’t.”
The Jewish Perspective on Guilt There is something special about a Yiddishe Mamme. • After all the money we spent on braces, is that the biggest smile you can give me? [Mona Lisa's Jewish Mother] • I don't care what you've discovered, you could have still written articles. [Columbus' Jewish Mother] • Of course I'm proud you invented the electric light bulb. Now be a good boy and turn it off and go to bed. [Thomas Edison's Jewish mother] • But it's your Barmitzvah photo. Couldn't you do something about your hair? [Albert Einstein's Jewish mother] • That's a nice “story.” So now tell me where you've really been for the last 40 years. [Jonah's Jewish mother]
A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. "Behave, my Bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, Tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my Ketsaleh, my angel!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my adorable beauty learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is David.”
There is a story of an American who took his son to London to show him the interesting sights of that historic city. During the tour, the father made sure to take him to Parliament and point out the huge clock on top of the building known as "Big Ben." The child strained to get a full view of the clock, and so did the others who came to see it. "Daddy, I would like to ask you something," said the boy. "Why did they put the clock so high and make people strain their necks to look up to it? Couldn't they have made the clock level with the eyes so that everyone could see it easily, without trouble?" The father thought for a moment and replied, "It is this way: If they had placed the clock low, people would adjust Big Ben to the time on their watches. Now that the clock is high, beyond the reach of all, they cannot try to reset it. If they want to have the correct time, they must set their own watches in accordance with the time shown by Big Ben."
Well, there is this well-known story of Mr. Steven Abramovitz who visited the Grand Canyon, and of course crossed over the fence to get a far more closer and awesome look at G-d?s wonder. He leans over the tip of the cliff, slips, and falls down toward the abyss. Franticly, his hands flaying back and forth, trying to grab onto anything, his hands close around a branch. There he is hanging in midair, with no foothold to climb up or down. In desperation he calls up to Heaven, ?G-d, please save me! I will do whatever You tell me to do in order to survive. Please G-d, please save me!? Suddenly he hears a booming voice emanating from Heaven asking him, ?Are you willing to do whatever I tell you to do in order to survive?? ?Oh yes, dear G-d,? replies Mr. Abramovitz, ?absolutely anything!? ?Very well then, the voice from Heaven continues, ?Mr. Abramovitz, leave go of the branch!? Mr. Abramovitz, in total horror, blurts out, ?Is there anyone else up there?!?
A nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there. Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and waves to him and says, "Thank you." This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you." So the guy says to the bartender, "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Do you know who he is? "Of course I know him," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
Two women who haven't seen each other in years run into each other on the street. "How's your daughter," the first woman asks, "the one who married that surgeon?" "They were divorced," the second woman answers. "Oh, I'm so sorry." "But then she got married to a lawyer." "Mazal tov!" the friend exclaimed. "They were also divorced... But now everything?s alright, she's married to a very successful CPA." The first woman shakes her head from side to side. "Mmmm, so much nachas from one daughter..."
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of her son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
A Rabbi, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the Rabbi asked the man where he had gone." I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the Rabbi, "why didn't you do that before the service started?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Friday, August 15, 2014
Dovid was happily married to his dear and loving wife, Sarah, for nearly half a century. Her sudden death cast him into a terrible depression for which there was almost no cure. His son and daughter-in-law, Rachel, graciously invited him to stay at their home and share everything with them. Dovid's daughter-in-law, cooked every meal for him but Dovid was never pleased. No matter how deliciously prepared the meals were, he would sigh and mutter to himself, loud enough for his son to hear, "this was not the way Momma made the soup." Rachel poured through her mother-in-law's old recipe books and tried to re-create the delicious taste for which her father-in-law longed. But Dovid was still not pleased. One day, while the soup was on the fire, Dovid's grandchild fell outside. In her haste to get to the child, Rachel almost dropped in the entire pepper shaker. In addition, by the time the child was washed and bandaged, the soup was totally burned! There was nothing for Dovid's daughter to do but serve the severely spiced, burnt soup. She stood in agony as her elderly father in-law brought the soup to his lips. This time he would probably more than mumble a complaint. But it was not to be. A wide smile broke across Dovid's face. "Delicious my dear daughter," said Dovid with a tear in his eye. "Absolutely delicious! This is exactly how Momma made the soup!"
Thursday, January 30, 2014
By Dov Peretz Elkins - Chabad.org A prominent rabbi of Newton, Massachusetts, attended a housewarming party at a large, beautiful home in his wealthy suburb of Boston. Guests oohed and ahhed, checking out every unusual piece of furniture, every exotic light fixture, every imported piece of handcrafted art, the thick azure carpets, the golden hand-carved door handles both inside and outside, and on and on and on. During the course of the evening, the homeowners related to their guests that they had paid the highest fee for their interior decorator, but it was worth every penny. The results were astonishing. Every decision, down to the last window treatment, was just impeccable. They could not have been more pleased. “This,” they declared, in contrast to how most people thought a home should be furnished, “is interior decorating.” About an hour passed, and the elderly mother of the hostess, who lived with her daughter and son-in-law, asked her rabbi friend to come upstairs and take a look at her room. Having left the posh living room and dining room of this large, magnificently appointed and lavish home, the elderly woman opened the door of her upstairs bedroom and pointed her finger toward the windowsill. When the rabbi looked, he was astounded at what he saw. The woman did not point, as the daughter did, to any of the furniture or decorations of the room. She pointed only to the windowsill, toward a row of charity boxes, pushkes, one for every worthwhile cause imaginable. There were boxes for hospitals, yeshivot (religious schools), orphanages, battered women’s shelters, homes for children who were blind or deaf, funds for the handicapped—you name it! One for every single Jewish institution she could find that distributed charity boxes for people to drop coins in and return when full. Before modern methods of fundraising took hold, these small charity boxes “decorated” kitchen windows in every traditional Jewish home. “Now, Rabbi,” said the elderly woman, gazing proudly at her windowsill filled with charity boxes—“this is interior decorating!”