Monday, November 20, 2017

JK: Yankel sadly loved the hard drink

Yankel sadly loved the hard drink, he was homeless, drunk most of the times, and wandered the
One day there was a hurricane and Yankel ran into the first building for shelter.
It happened to be a church.
He sits down on the bench and hears the priest giving a sermon:
"Who are the wealthiest people? The liquor store owners. They are rich because they are taking
your money.
“And who own the nicest homes? The liquor store owners. They are rich because they are taking
your money...
“And who drive the nicest cars? The liquor store owners. Because they are taking your money!”
After the sermon Yankel went over to the priest to thank him. "What an inspiring speech. It
really left an impact on me, and I made a practical resolution as a result."
"You mean you are going to stop drinking," the priest asked with excitement.
“No,” Yankel said. “I ́m going to open a liquor store.”


  1. “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”
    – Leo F. Buscaglia
  2. “Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.”
    – Swedish Proverb
  3. “If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.”
    – E. Joseph Cossman
  4. ”People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them.”
    – George Bernard Shaw
  5. “Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment.”
    – Dale Carnegie
  6. “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.”
    – Elbert Hubbard
  7. “If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.”
    – George F. Burns
  8. “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”
    – Winston Churchill
  9. “Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”
    – Arthur Somers Roche
  10. “If you treat every situation as a life and death matter, you’ll die a lot of times.”
    – Dean Smith
  11. “When one has too great a dread of what is impending, one feels some relief when the trouble has come.”
    – Joseph Joubert
  12. “That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.”
    – Chinese Proverb
  13. “Worry compounds the futility of being trapped on a dead-end street. Thinking opens new avenues.”
    – Cullen Hightower
  14. “Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere”
    – Erma Bombeck
  15. “There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.”
    – Harold Stephen
  16. “People get so in the habit of worry that if you save them from drowning and put them on a bank to dry in the sun with hot chocolate and muffins they wonder whether they are catching a cold.”
    – John Jay Chapman
  17. “Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face.”
    – Nelson DeMille
  18. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.”
    – Robert Frost
  19. “Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.”
    – Henry Ward Beecher
  20. “We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday’s burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.”
    – John Newton
  21. “If you can’t sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It’s the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep.”
    – Dale Carnegie
  22. “I never worry about action, but only about inaction.”
    – Winston Churchill
  23. “Rule number one is, don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it’s all small stuff.”
    – Robert Eliot
  24. “A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work.”
    – John Lubbock
  25. “Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.”
    – Mary Hemingway

“Every evening I turn worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway,” said a wise man.

Worry is wasting today's time to clutter up tomorrow's opportunities with yesterday's troubles.

Worry pulls tomorrow's cloud over today's sunshine. Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

Joke fearing burglars

For 20 years a woman had been having trouble getting to sleep at night because she feared burglars. One night her husband heard a noise in the house, so he went downstairs to investigate. When he got there,  he did find a burglar. "Good evening," said the man of the house. "I am pleased to see you. Come upstairs and meet my wife. She has been waiting 20 years to meet you."

Joke: yankel is a billionaire

Harry called up his old friend Berny . Can we meet Saturday morning?
 I’m busy, Berny says. What are you up to? I go to shul now Saturday mornings!
 Really? You? You go to shul? Asks Harry.  You are an atheist! And you are on a diet, so you can’t even enjoy the Kiddish? I will tell you, says Berny. You remember our friend Yankel Miller? Rumor has it that he started to go to shul on Shabbos morning, and he became a billionaire. So I also started to go to shul on Saturday mornings. Really Berny? And what do you do in shul? You talk to G-d? You don’t even believe He exists? No, says Berny. Never! That’s what Yankel does in shul. He talks to G-d. I go to shul to talk to Yankel!

Joke: Fishing in a Garden

You know the anecdote:
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was
astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is
fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to
the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner
bar. He ordered a large glass of Beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell
me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied,

"You are the sixth today, sir!"

Story: repentance

With great remorse, a man entered the private room of Rabbi Shmuel of Lubavitch to ask for a formula for repentance. Since the man was ashamed to admit that he was the sinner, he explained that a friend had committed the sins and was too embarrassed to appear before the Rebbe personally. Therefore, his friend had asked him to come to the Rebbe on his behalf. Consequently, the visitor then gave the Rebbe a list of sins his “friend” had supposedly committed.

“What a fool the other man is,” the Rebbe answered with a knowing smile, “instead of sending you to ask for him, he could have come himself and said that you sent him!” (Told by the Rebbe, 12 Tammuz 5714.)

Joke: $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition

You’ve heard the story about the Californian policeman who pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.
 "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
 "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
 "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the passenger seat.
 "He speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
 This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the police officers and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Por Vavor…. excuse me, but have we crossed the border yet?"

Story - milkman and baker

One early morning, the milkman is bewildered to find a court summons hanging on his door. He was an honest man who always behaved as such. He never cheated, lied or stole anything. He had no idea why he was summoned to court. But the baker knew.
The baker used to buy butter and cheese from the milkman for his business. One day he suspected that the lumps of butter that the milkman sold him were under five pounds - even though the milkman insisted that each was exactly five pounds. The baker decided to check out the matter and for a period he consistently weighed every lump of butter that he bought from the milkman. He discovered that they were in fact less than five pounds. Sometimes they were four pounds, sometimes they were four-and-a-half pounds, and once one was even three pounds.
 The baker was angry. "Cheating me!" he told his wife angrily, "I am not going to be quiet about it." He went to the local court and complained about the milkman. "We have to prosecute him," said the baker, "we can't let him cheat all the villagers; people trust this crook!"
Later that day, the court messenger hung a notice on the milkman's house inviting him to court. The milkman arrived at the court shaking with fear. He had never been to a courthouse and had never spoken to a Judge. The Judge evoked a sense of fear amongst the villagers.
 "I assume you have a very accurate scale in your dairy," said the Judge to the milkman.
"No your honor, I do not have a scale," said the milkman.
"So how do you weigh the butter? Do you just guess that it is ten pounds?"
"No G-d forbid, your honor; I am an honest man; it never occurred to me to do something like that. Very simply I built myself a scale—the kind that needs a weight on one side to balance the butter on the other."
The Judge nodded his head, and the milkman continued. "Every morning when I come to weigh the butter for the baker, I place five pounds of bread on one side of the scale. This way I know that the butter that I will give to the baker will be exactly five pounds."
"So," says the Judge, "you're telling us that the amount of butter that you give the baker is exactly the weight of the loaf of bread he supplies to you?"
"That is exactly it!" exclaimed the milkman. 
The baker's face fell. You see, the baker’s scale was dishonest; the five pounds of bread he was weighing each morning to give to the milkman were not truly five pounds. And that is exactly what came back to him.

How true this is with many of us. We judge people based on who we are. And what we put out to people is what comes back to us. In life, we end up eating the cake which we have baked.

rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital

A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse
One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him, ";Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?","Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."

thieves that broke into the Chabad

Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the Chabad offices?
They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!

Quote: Jewish Mothers

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The
original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin

Quote: gave up atheist

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
-Henny Youngman


Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone.
"Hello. is this Rabbi Schwartz?" "It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can"
"Do you know a Sam Cohen?", "I do".
"Is he a member of your congregation?", "He is"
"Did he donate $10,000?", "He will"

Joke: prayer in Casino

What is the difference between prayer in synagogue and prayer in a casino?
When you pray in a casino, you really mean it…

Story: Reb Mendel & the Pickpocket

Reb Mendel, a chassid with a long white beard, was arrested for helping to smuggle Jews out of
the former Soviet Union. He sat in a Gulag in Siberia and was housed in a barrack full of
gangsters. The gangsters played cards, a pastime forbidden in the Gulag. So they posted a
watchman at the door and whenever the guards arrived, the alarm was raised and the cards
were hidden.
The prison guards knew about the card games, but try as they might, they could never find the
evidence. The guard would break into the room, search every nook and cranny and somehow
the cards always eluded him. Reb Mendel did his best to watch the gangsters and discover
where the cards were hidden, but he never managed to detect the hiding place.
One day Reb Mendel asked a fellow gangster where the cards were hidden and the gangster
explained the secret. Among us, he said, there is a master pickpocket. We pass the cards to him
and as soon as the guard enters the pickpocket slips them into the guard’s back pocket. The
guard looks everywhere for the cards, but he can’t find them because he already has them.
And, pray tell, asked Reb Mendel, how do you get them back? That’s simple, replied the
gangster. Just before the guard leaves, the pickpocket takes them back.
Whenever Reb Mendel retold this story he would have a good laugh, but then he would sober and
explain the moral. Reb Mendel’s stories always came with a moral. The moral of the story is that when
you criticize others, make sure to check yourself first. You may indeed be the guilty party.

Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest were gambling

A Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest were gambling one night when the police raided the club. The
officer approaches the table in surprise and said, Father O’Reilly, were you gambling? The priest
closes his eyes and offers a quick prayer. “Dear G-d, I know lying is a mortal sin, but please
tolerate it this one time.” He opens his eyes and clearly replies, No Office, I was not gambling.
The officer turns to the minister and says, Minister O’Neal, were you gambling? The minister
murmurs a quiet prayer for forgiveness and replies firmly, “No Office, I was not.”
The officer now turns to the Rabbi and demands, well then Rabbi, was it you that was gambling?
The rabbi smiles sweetly and replies, “But Office, with whom?”

Thursday, July 6, 2017

now is in my wife's name


Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, "I'd like to give you an
Aliyah. What is your name?"

The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe."

The Rabbi says, "No, I need YOUR name."

“It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says.

"How can that be your name?" asks the Rabbi.

The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so everything
now is in my wife's name."