Thursday, May 2, 2013

The widow - joke

Becky's husband dies. It was not until sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. 
"Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes." 
"Becky," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace." 
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends asked. 
"It contained £5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin for him." 
"The 2nd envelope contained £10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including some fine malt whisky." 
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends. 
"The 3rd envelope contained £25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did." 
Becky then held up her hand and pointed to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"

The Jewish advisor - joke

There once lived a king who had an advisor called Hymie. The king relied so much on the wisdom of Hymie that one day he decided to promote him to chief advisor. But the other advisors objected. 
They said, "It's OK sitting in counsel with a Jew, but to allow him to boss us about would be unacceptable." 
The King accepted their argument and ordered Hymie to convert. Hymie had to obey the King. 
But soon after, Hymie felt great remorse and over the months that followed he became despondent, his health suffered and he grew weak. 
Finally Hymie could take it no longer and made a decision. He went to the king and said, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I will always be. So do whatever you want with me." 
The King had no idea Hymie felt so strong about his 'conversion'. 
"OK," said the King, "if that's how you feel, go be a Jew again. The other advisors will just have to live with it. You're too important for me to lose." 
On his way back home to tell the news to his family, Hymie felt the strength surge back into his body. 
When he arrived, he called out to his wife, "Sarah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again." 
Sarah glared at him and said, "Couldn't you wait until after Passover?" 

The convert - Joke

The convert. 
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest. 
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..." 

Gourmet food -Joke

Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop. 
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?" 
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox." 
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon." 
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then." 
"Anything else?" 
"Yes, a dozen blintzes." 
"No. No. You mean crepes." 
"Okay, a dozen crepes." 
"Anything else?" 
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver." 
"No. No. You mean pate." 
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday." 
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!" 

Joke - The dream

Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?" 
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"