Monday, November 20, 2017

thieves that broke into the Chabad

Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the Chabad offices?
They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!

Quote: Jewish Mothers

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The
original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin

Quote: gave up atheist

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
-Henny Youngman


Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone.
"Hello. is this Rabbi Schwartz?" "It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can"
"Do you know a Sam Cohen?", "I do".
"Is he a member of your congregation?", "He is"
"Did he donate $10,000?", "He will"

Joke: prayer in Casino

What is the difference between prayer in synagogue and prayer in a casino?
When you pray in a casino, you really mean it…

Story: Reb Mendel & the Pickpocket

Reb Mendel, a chassid with a long white beard, was arrested for helping to smuggle Jews out of
the former Soviet Union. He sat in a Gulag in Siberia and was housed in a barrack full of
gangsters. The gangsters played cards, a pastime forbidden in the Gulag. So they posted a
watchman at the door and whenever the guards arrived, the alarm was raised and the cards
were hidden.
The prison guards knew about the card games, but try as they might, they could never find the
evidence. The guard would break into the room, search every nook and cranny and somehow
the cards always eluded him. Reb Mendel did his best to watch the gangsters and discover
where the cards were hidden, but he never managed to detect the hiding place.
One day Reb Mendel asked a fellow gangster where the cards were hidden and the gangster
explained the secret. Among us, he said, there is a master pickpocket. We pass the cards to him
and as soon as the guard enters the pickpocket slips them into the guard’s back pocket. The
guard looks everywhere for the cards, but he can’t find them because he already has them.
And, pray tell, asked Reb Mendel, how do you get them back? That’s simple, replied the
gangster. Just before the guard leaves, the pickpocket takes them back.
Whenever Reb Mendel retold this story he would have a good laugh, but then he would sober and
explain the moral. Reb Mendel’s stories always came with a moral. The moral of the story is that when
you criticize others, make sure to check yourself first. You may indeed be the guilty party.

Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest were gambling

A Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest were gambling one night when the police raided the club. The
officer approaches the table in surprise and said, Father O’Reilly, were you gambling? The priest
closes his eyes and offers a quick prayer. “Dear G-d, I know lying is a mortal sin, but please
tolerate it this one time.” He opens his eyes and clearly replies, No Office, I was not gambling.
The officer turns to the minister and says, Minister O’Neal, were you gambling? The minister
murmurs a quiet prayer for forgiveness and replies firmly, “No Office, I was not.”
The officer now turns to the Rabbi and demands, well then Rabbi, was it you that was gambling?
The rabbi smiles sweetly and replies, “But Office, with whom?”