"I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!"

 Shmuel Solomon was having trouble in school. That's why his father was so

pleased when Shmuel came home and reported that he got a 100% on his reportcard. "That's fantastic Shmuel!" his father said. "What course did you get it in?" "Well," said Shmuel, "I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!"

"Mummy, how do you spell zilla?"

 Little 5 year old Benjy was practicing spelling on his fridge using a set of magne tic letters. Freda, his mother, had watched him put together words such as 'mum', 'dad', 'dog', 'cat' and 'car' and was very proud of her clever son. But then Benjy shouted out, "Look what I spelled, mummy."

Freda looked at the fridge and saw that he had put up the three magnetic letters, 'G' 'O' 'D'.

"Why, that's wonderful, Benjy," she said, "why don't you leave them on the fridge until daddy comes home?" "OK, mummy," he said.

But just as Freda was thinking that the Jewish school he went to was st

arting to have an impact, Benjy's little voice called out, "Mummy, how do you spell zilla?"

With or without bones?

 Gary goes to Jacobs Butchers for some pickled brisket. As Jacob is wrapping his order, Gary says to him, "So, Jacob, you can congratulate me. My daughter has just given birth to a beautiful nine pound baby boy."

Jacob nods his approval in an absent minded kind of way and says, "Nine

pounds, eh? With or without bones?

Mom and I will catch the next bus…”

 After a long day spent with the family in Manhattan, dad is trying to get a ride home.

He flags a taxi, and as the driver rolls down the window he says “listen. If you turned off the meter, how much would you charge my family for a ride to Brooklyn.”

Driver says “I’d take you and your wife for $35, and your three kids can ride for free.”

The father opens the back door, calls his children and says “kids, this nice man is gonna take you home. Mom and I will catch the next bus…”

---

I am William. The little rascal’s name is Kevin”

 A woman is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson at the supermarket. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits – all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long … easy boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. The grandad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little rascal’s name is Kevin”

“I work for 7-11!”

 Three men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7-11!”

Story: Buying a Miracle

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.

Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he was too busy at this moment.

Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise.

Nothing.

She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster

No good.

Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the

glass counter.

That did it!

"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. "I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."

''I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his

head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. "I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

"How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.

"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly. And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents—the exact price of a miracle for little brothers."

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well. Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.

"That surgery," her Mom whispered, "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents, plus the faith of a little child who managed to inspire a surgeon from Chicago to fulfill the purpose of all creation: to give.

Story: Flowers for mom

A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother
who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied, "I wanted to buy a red rose for my
mother.
But I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars."
The man smiled and said, "Come on in with me. I'll buy you a rose."
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother's flowers.

As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, "Yes, please! You can take me to my mother."
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet
and drove the two hundred miles to his mother's house.

Ronal Reagan and his estranged daugter patti

here is a sad amd moving story of Ronal Regan and his estranged daugter patti. 

Reagan in his old age and in the beginning stages of Alzheimer illness writes a letter pleading with his daugter to talk to him and in the end she refuses and sell the letter to a collector... "my friends it does not need to end like this..."

(see attached image) Reagan, Ronald (1911-2004) 40th President of the United States, 1981-1989. Autograph Note Signed ("Dad"), on card engraved "Ronald Reagan," with embossed presidential seal (Los Angeles), March 2, 1991, 4¼ x 6 3/8 in. A poignant note to his daughter Patti (Davis), attempting to heal the family rift. In full: "Dear Patti / It was good to hear from you. As the song goes - 'the days dwindle down to a precious few.' In view of my recent birthday I find the song appropriate. Patti I think a talk between us is the answer to some of our differences. There are extremists on both sides of every issue. Reasonable people should look into both sides and see if every charge or countercharge is justified by the facts. Even if there are differences does this justify a family separation? We can disagree on things without abandoning our family relationship. I remember a little girl who sat on my lap and asked me to marry her. Love - Dad." The President had just turned 80 on February 6th and realized that his days were numbered, even before he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 1994. Patti was the first of Ronald and Nancy's two children and she aired her differences with her parents publicly. Patti sold this letter a couple of days after her father sent it to her, with the proviso that it not be resold until after her father's death. It was sold again, privately, with the same proviso, on March 27, 1991, and has not been offered for sale again until now. A Liz Smith column in August 1992, here included, refers to the letter, calling Patti "the perpetually estranged daughter of Ronald and Nancy Reagan." Patti admitted to Liz that she had sold the letter because she needed money but denied that it had any special sensitivity, and said that she was trying to buy it back. Patti recalled that it had been written during the time she was protesting her father's administration's policy regarding the killing of dolphins, but in March 1991, when her father wrote the note, he had not been President for two years. Patti made her peace, at least with her mother, at some point, because she was obviously a great comfort to Nancy during her father's funeral. This is a beautiful, loving note from the late President, reaching out to his estranged daughter. It is accompanied by the transmittal envelope, addressed by Ronald Reagan, with a stamped free frank. The paperwork from the letter's March 27, 1991 sale is also enclosed. Estimated Value $10,000 - 15,000.

When you thought I wasn?t looking

?When you thought I wasn?t looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the
refrigerator and I immediately wanted to paint another one. When you
thought I wasn?t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat and I learned that it
was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn?t looking, I saw
you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that little things can be
very special in life. When you thought I wasn?t looking, I heard you say a
prayer to G-d and I learned that there was a G-d that I could always talk
to and I learned to trust in G-d. When you thought I wasn?t looking, I saw
you make a meal and take it to a friend who was ill and I learned that we
all need to help to take care of each other. When you thought I wasn?t
looking, I saw you give your time and money to people who had nothing and I
learned that those who have something, should give to those who don?t.
When  you thought I wasn?t looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight and I felt
loved and safe.  When you thought I wasn?t looking, I saw tears come from
your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt and that it?s alright to
cry. When you thought I wasn?t looking, I saw how you handled your
responsibilities even when you didn?t feel well and I learned that I would
need to be responsible when I grow up. When you thought I wasn?t looking, I
was looking at you and I wanted to say, Thank you for all the things I saw
when you thought I wasn?t looking.?

My friends, they?re always looking.   Our children are looking and learning
from every thing we do and every thing we don?t do. Like Isaac who walked
alongside his father, if we set the right example, our children will be
right there in step with us when G-d calls for us to meet him alone on the
top of a mountain. If we role model properly for them, than they will have
the knowledge, the courage, the inner strength with which to climb the
mountain they will encounter later in life and they will encounter
mountains. This is the hope and the continuity of our nation and for all
civilization.

the dumbest kid in the world

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

NO FAIR! FASTING IS EASIER!!!!!

From Rabbi Lazer Gurkow:


My wife, may she live and be well till 120, was explaining to my daughter
why adults fast on Yom Kippur. You know, she said, how children sometimes do
things that are not good like fighting or getting angry or not sharing? Yes,
my daughter nods. Well, says the seasoned mother, adults can sometimes (only
sometimes you see :-) also be guilty of such things. Soooo on Yom Kippur we
feel really badly for what we have done and we ask Hashem for
forgiveness.The way we ask is by fasting to show how sad we are that we did
the Avera.

So far so good, my daughter understands and is still with the program, but
her little mind is churning and she has one more question. Hmmmm, how do we
kids show Hashem that we are sad? Aaah, says my wise wife, children are
forgiven without fasting. They are forgiven simply by asking Hashem to
forgive them, telling Hashem how sorry they are for what they did and
promising to Hashem that they will never ever ever do it again. Now my wife
is thinking she got out of the woods with a pretty good explanation... but
to no avail.

My daughter screws up her little face with one of her classic rants. NO
FAIR! FASTING IS EASIER!!!!!

G-d called to Samuel, and Samuel responded, "Here I am."

And he ran to Eli, and said, "Here I am, for you have called me." And Eli said, "I did not call. Go back to sleep." 

In essence, we are given here a blueprint for one of the great challenges and callings in the field of education. Our children hear voices, but we often send them back to sleep, making them believe that the voices were mere imaginary.

The Joys of Fatherhood

Sam picked up his wife Becky and their new baby from hospital and brought
them home. It was not long before Becky suggested that Sam try his hand at
changing a diaper.
"I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do the next one."
The next time soon came around so Becky asked him again.
Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently, "I didn't mean the next diaper, I
meant the next baby."

God's Children

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
"Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" asked the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.

White hair

One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her
mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair.
Hannah looked at her mother and said, "Why have you got some white hairs,
mummy?"
Her mother replied, "Well darling, every time a daughter does something bad
to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her mother’s hairs turns white."
Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, "Mummy,
so how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

The grown-ups

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the Rabbi asked if the
children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children
of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians
and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this
time?"

Joke - G-d's getting better at it, isn?t he??

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather?s lap as he read her a bedtime
story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek,
then his again.Finally she spoke up, ?Grandpa, did God make you???Yes,
sweetheart,? he answered, ?God made me a long time ago.??Oh,? she paused,
?grandpa, did God make me too???Yes, indeed, honey,? he said, ?God made you
just a little while ago.?Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
?God?s getting better at it, isn?t he??

The Sunday school lesson - JOke

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the Rabbi asked if the
children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children
of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians
and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this
time?"

“Daddy, Can I buy an hour of your time?"

A Man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 yr.
old son waiting for him at the door, "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure. What is it?" replied the father. "Daddy, how much money do you
make an hour?"



"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" The father
said angrily.



"I just wanted to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
pleaded the little boy.



"If you must know, I make $20 an hour."



Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow $9 please?"



The father was furious. "If the only reason you wanted to know how much
money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other
nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think
about why you're being selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't
have time for such childish games."



The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The father sat
down and started to get madder about his little boy's questioning. How dare
he ask such questions only to get some money? After an hour he calmed down.
He started to think he might have been a little too hard on his son. Maybe
there was something he really needed to buy with that $9. And he didn't ask
for money often.



The father went to his son's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep,
son?" he asked. "No, daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.



"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the father.
"It's been a long day and I took my aggravations out on you. Here's the $9
you asked for."



The little boy sat up straight, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he said.
Then reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled bills. He
counted the money, then looked up at his father.



"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father asked.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
“Daddy, I have $20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"