JK: no Jews in hell

A Jewish bubbie was sipping tea in a restaurant when she overheard three antisemites talking.
‘Let’s go on vacation,’ said one.
‘Where shall we go,’ said the other.
‘To Jerusalem.’
‘No, there are too many Jews in Jerusalem.’
‘To New York?’
‘No, there are too many Jews in New York.’
‘To Florida.’
‘No, there are way too many Jews in Florida.’
The Bubbie leaned over and asked, “Vhy don’t you go to hell, there are no Jews in hell!”

He owns the place.

A nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there. Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and waves to him and says, "Thank you." This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you." So the guy says to the bartender, "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Do you know who he is? "Of course I know him," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Can you teach us how to survive?

Years ago, Eli Weezell (? ) was asked by the Dalai Lama if he could see
him. He wanted to talk to Eli Rizell.  During their meeting, Weezell said
to him, ?With all due respect, Mr. Lama? (I don?t think he really called
him that) ? Why was it so important for you to see me??  The Dalai Lama
answered him, ?Mr. Weezell, your people have suffered a lot and you went
into exile 2000 years ago, but amazingly you?re still here. My people just
left our homeland. We are in exile. Can you teach us how to survive? How?
How have you done it? How do the Jews continue to do it??

Rabbi Cleans Streets

On the Tel Aviv street next to the Sadigerer Shul, an elderly Yemenite Jew
worked diligently, sweeping the street. He worked quickly and methodically,
sweeping first one side of the street and then the other. When he approached
the entrance to the shul, however, he stopped sweeping and passed by the
building with his broom aloft. Then he continued sweeping the road.



My grandfather, Rabbi Chaskel Besser, who resided in Tel Aviv at the time
and frequented the shul, noticed this odd behavior and wondered about it. He
approached the street cleaner and asked him how come he had not swept in
front of the shul.



The gentleman looked at my grandfather. "The rabbi doesn't allow me to."



My grandfather's curiosity was aroused, and he approached the Sadigerer
Rebbe and asked for an explanation, but the rabbi only smiled. My
grandfather asked again, and then again, until finally, the rabbi told his
story.



The rabbi had been visiting Vienna in 1938 when the Nazis entered Vienna.
They immediately sought out the prominent Jews and arrested them, among them
the Sadigerer Rebbe.



In a chilling hint of the humiliation and degradation which they intended to
visit upon the Jews, they took these Jewish leaders and found different ways
to publicly disgrace them.



The Sadigerer Rebbe, a man of regal bearing and conduct, was given a little
brush and stood in front of the great Vienna Opera House. They placed a
small street cleaner's hat on his head, and ordered him to sweep the stairs
of the building with this ridiculously ineffective brush.



As this holy rabbi stooped on those ornate steps, tears streaming down his
cheeks, he whispered a prayer, and a vow, to God:



"Almighty, save me from these beasts. Lead me out of this country and to
your home, the land of Israel. And I promise that there I will sweep the
streets with delight and gratification."



The rabbi smiled at my grandfather. "Thus, I insist that the street cleaner
leave those precious few yards of sidewalk, the entrance to God's house, for
me to sweep."

Joke -Your Tuchus is apt to become more clever than your head

A Ukrainian merchant and a Jew happen to travel in the same compartment of a train.

And, as always in cases like this, the Ukrainian anti-Semite is only happy to show his spite to everything Jewish, so this is how their discussion goes:

Merchant: "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three sorts of newspapers when traveling: one Ukrainian which I read, the other Russian which I use to wrap my breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to wipe myself when I use a toilet."

Jew: "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that this way, your behind is apt to become more clever than your head?"

Jewish Pride: Shimon Ringel in Death Camp

Of the hundreds of heroic stories told by the Bluzhever Rebbe, Rabbi Yisroel Spiro, about his harrowing experiences in the Janowska labor camp during World War II, one episode is not well known at all. It is the story of Dr. Shimon Ringel. It is the courageous tale of a valiant man and his fight to preserve the honor, the kavod, of his people.

Arriving at the labor camp on August 26, 1942, Shimon, a young man in his 30s, carried with him a spirit of defiance and an inner strength. He was shocked at how the Jews all followed the orders of their German superiors; he desperately tried to convince the other inmates that eventually all of them would be killed, every last one. So why follow the Germans' orders and work for their cause? Why not spread the word to the thousands of other inmates? But a number of factors prevented him from doing this.

First of all, it was difficult to ever speak to a large number of people. The Nazis watched their every move carefully, ensuring that no one spoke to anyone else unless it was for a purpose. After work it was nearly impossible to find someone who had either the physical strength or the will to converse. They were shattered both in body and spirit. The only thing they wanted was to rest their bruised and weary bodies. Who had time or interest to speak about hope and pride? They were by and large walking skeletons, living out their days until the time came to die. And when it would, they would gladly leave this nightmarish existence.

So the voices of the Shimon Ringels had no chance of being heard. But Shimon would speak to the Bluzhever Rebbe. In him he found someone who would listen and at least try to share in his hope.

The labor camp was a scene of subhuman conditions ― appalling sanitation, little food, and constant harassment and beatings. Daily, they were forced to endure lineups where the SS guards would degrade and humiliate them.

"Which nation are the biggest liars and cheaters?" the SS guards would call out in glee, almost suppressing a snide smirk as they waited anxiously for the answer. "We the Jews are!" would be the cry of the degraded prisoners. Anyone daring not to scream out this answer would suffer by being chosen to stand in the middle of the courtyard and be beaten ― beaten until he died ― while his fellow Jews watched.

But Shimon could not bear to watch this horrible sight. He could no longer tolerate these barbarians mocking God and His holy nation. It is one thing to beat someone physically, but to humiliate the soul of a Jew, that was just too much. The humiliation and shame hurt so badly that Shimon decided to do something about it.

One of the daily rituals in the camp was the trip the inmates would take to the bathhouses. Although they was given the opportunity to bathe themselves, it was on a strict schedule. They had, to undress, bathe and redress all within a period of 5 minutes. Anyone not keeping to the schedule would be killed instantly. And tragically, often more blood would flow from those bathhouses, than water.

Afterward, again, the humiliating ceremony would begin. "Who's the filthiest nation on earth?" the Nazi guard would call out. "It is we the Jews who are infested with lice and filth."

"And why are you no longer dirty?"

"Because the kind and benevolent commandant has allowed us to cleanse ourselves."

The scene was sickening and shameful. But woe to the individual who dared to defy the sadistic guard. And for the longest time no one dared to do so. Until Shimon Ringel.

Shimon armed himself with a small dose of cyanide and one middle-sized rock. As the routine was about to begin, he turned to the Bluzhever Rebbe with tears in his eyes and he begged, "Please forgive me, Rebbe. I know that after what I am going to do, you will suffer together with the rest of the inmates. But I can no longer tolerate the shame they are causing to God and the Jewish people. I don't know if you will survive but promise me that if you do, you will tell this story to let people know that someone did not allow them to shame God's people."

The Rebbe tried to convince Shimon not to do it. But it was too late. The routine began. "Who is the filthiest nation on earth?"

Shimon refused to answer, while the rest of them struggled to proclaim that they were the filthiest nation, when they knew that the exact opposite was true. It did not take long for the Nazi guards to notice that Shimon was not responding to the questions in the same manner as everyone else.

"Why are you not answering, Jew?"

This time it was the Commandant Kolinko who spoke with a mixture of anger and confusion. "How dare you not answer the way you have been taught?" The commandant was visibly shaken and surprised that this Jew was so defiant!

"Because it is not true. The Jewish people are not filthy and we are not a lowly nation. It is you who should be ashamed of yourselves, you dirty dog. You kill innocent women and children. It is you who should be embarrassed for who you are."

And as soon as Shimon finished his diatribe, the commandant, shocked by his impudence, approached him and stepped right up to his face. Suddenly Shimon spit at him and smashed the rock he had hidden against the commandant's head.

Immediately chaos ensued. The SS guards pounced on Shimon and beat him mercilessly as the commandant bled profusely. But Shimon did not feel it at all. He was now in a place where no one could hurt him.

Astonishingly, somehow, someway, the matter was swept aside. One of those who survived was the Bluzhever Rebbe, Rabbi Yisroel Spira, who retold this story.

No Shame

Now, here was a Jew who knew he would not survive, yet he would not tolerate the spectacle of Jews calling themselves “filthy.”

We, thank G-d, are given the freedom to speak up against all the voices which never cease to defame and spread lies about the Jewish people and their homeland, the Land of Israel.

You know the story of the anti-Semite who knocks down the Jew in the street. The Jew gives him a coin and says that today is a holiday, a Yom Tov, where we give money to people who hit us and directs him to the wealthy Jew, who will give him big money. The anti-Semite goes to the man’s house and when the Jew comes to the door, the anti-Semite gives him a solid Zetz. The wealthy Jew calls his servants who beat the living daylights out of this anti-Semite. He goes away bruised and muttering, “These Jews, they don't even keep their own holidays.”

We ought never to be ashamed. We must speak up, with confidence, with dignity, with unwavering passion and strength. We cannot afford in times of freedom to suffer from an inferiority complex.

To Die as a Jew

At the D Day Museum in New Orleans there was a traveling exhibit about
Jewish soldiers who fought in WWII.


At the exhibit there was a video with Jewish soldiers discussing their
experiences as they were getting ready to go over to the European theater.
One of the people interviewed was a Mr. Bentley Kassal and he said something
amazing that I include at the end of this email. I found this was very
moving.


By the way if you go to Wikipedia you will see that Bentley was a NY state
judge and a so called 'secular' Jew who was very progressive and left
leaning. I think this makes it even more special.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bentley_Kassal


Paraphrasing from the video:

"THE DAY BEFORE WE WERE TO HEAD OVER TO EUROPE OUR COMMANDER TOLD US THAT WE
SHOULD NOT CARRY THE H (HEBREW) DOG TAGS, AS SOMETIMES WHEN THE GERMANS
CAPTURE SOLDIERS IF SOMEONE HAS AN H DOG TAG THEY ARE SEPARATED AND KILLED
ON THE SPOT. WE SHOULD CARRY EITHER A P (PROTESTANT) OR C (CATHOLIC) OR NO
DOG TAG AT ALL. THAT NIGHT BENTLEY SAID "I COULD NOT SLEEP I IMAGINED MYSELF
DYING IN BATTLE AND LAYING FOREVER UNDER A CROSS SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE." THE
NEXT DAY I TOLD MY COMMANDER I AM KEEPING MY DOG TAG WITH AN H AND I AM
TAKING IT WITH ME WHEREVER I GO!"

Why Should I buy Tefillin?

Why Should I buy Tefillin?


In answer to a number of emails sent to me privately – in case anyone is wondering if the historical/holocaust emotional stuff really works let me tell you of something that happened to my son R’ Eli Gutnick here in Melbourne this past Elul.

Eli is our sofer here in Melbourne and he regularly speaks to Bar Mitzvah boys and their fathers about Tephilin – shows them how they’re made etc. After addressing one school group during this past Elul one very sceptical father talks to him and finishes with “Give me one good reason that will convince me, a totally non-practicing Jew, to fork out money to buy a pair of tephillin for my son.”

Without saying a word Eli takes out his iphone and brings up the famous picture of the barefooted yid standing next to a line of bodies (he was reportedly reciting Kaddish) He is wrapped in a Tallis and broken-open tephillin are prominently on his head and arm. A group of grinning and laughing Nazi soldiers are standing around him posing with the Jew they are about to murder.


The father looks at the picture for a good few minutes then looks up at Eli and says “How much is your most expensive pair....?”

It’s an appropriate thought for Yizkor – with the usual lesson that we who say Yizkor should reassure the neshomos of our parents and Kedoshim who join us for those special moments that we and our children are Thank G-d able to put on Tallis and Tephillin and pledge greater commitment to do so and to generally carry on the heritage we have received from them. We need to be able to tell them proudly that we are part of assuring that “Am Yisroel Chai....”.

'These Jews,they don't even keep their own holidays' - Joke

the story of the Ivan who knocks down theJew in the street. The Jew gives him a coin and says that today is a YomTovwhere we give money to people who hit us and directs him to the Gvir whowill give him big money. Ivan goes to the Gvir's house and when the Gvir comesto the door, Ivan gives him a solid Zetz. The Gvir calls his servants whobeat the living daylight out of Ivan who goes away muttering, 'These Jews,they don't even keep their own holidays'

The Irony of Being a Jew

The Irony of Being a Jew
When Paul Newman died, they said how great he was but they failed to mention he considered himself Jewish (born half-Jewish).
When the woman (Helen_Suzman) who helped Nelson Mandela died recently, they said how great she was, but they failed to mention she was Jewish.
On the other side of the equation, when Ivan Boesky or Andrew Fastow or Bernie Madoff committed fraud, almost every article mentioned they were Jewish.
However, when Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling, Martha Stewart, Randy Cunningham, Gov. Edwards, Conrad Black, Senator Keating, Gov Ryan, and Gov Blago jevich messed up; no one reported what religion or denomination they were, because they were not Jewish.
This is a reminder of a famous Einstein quote: In 1921, Albert Einstein presented a paper on his then-infant Theory of Relativity at the
Sorbonne, the prestigious French university.
"If I am proved correct," he said, "the Germans will call me a German, the Swiss will call me a Swiss citizen, and the French will call me a great scientist.
"If relativity is proved wrong, the French will call me a Swiss, the Swiss will call me a German, and the Germans will call me a Jew."

KGB chop firewood - Joke

Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s.

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel!
Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us - joke

It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign:
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.
"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."
"How much is it?"
"Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five."
Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.
The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more."
"How much more?"
"Twenty five dollars."
Feldman handed over the money.
"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die."
"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"
"Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"

Smart Be-hind - joke

Ukrainian train

A Ukrainian merchant and a Jew happen to travel in the same compartment of a train.
And, as always in cases like this, the Ukrainian anti-Semite is only happy to show his spite to everything Jewish, so this is how their discussion goes:

Merchant: "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three sorts of newspapers when traveling: one Ukrainian which I read, the other Russian which I use to wrap my breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to wipe myself when I use a toilet."

Jew: "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that this way, your behind is apt to become more clever than your head?"

An honest German - joke

An honest German

An old Jew with two big bags walks on a railway station in Germany, sees a German and asks him:
"Excuse me, what do you think about Jews?"
"Oh, I like Jewish culture and I love Jewish nation!"

The old Jew walks further and asks another German:
"Please, tell me, do you like Jews?"
"Of course! Their mind and talent amaze me!"

The old Jew walks further and asks the third German:
"Do you like Jews?"
"What?! I hate them all! I hate them!"
"I see you are an honest man! Look for my luggage while I am in a WC."

Jewish identity

Recently, at a Chabad center somewhere in the United States, a Russian
immigrant family celebrated the Bas Mitzvah of their daughter. Their family had not
marked a Bar or Bas Mitzvah in over 100 years, as doing so in Russia was impossible.
Before the party began, an American-born Jew approached the Chabad rabbi
and asked: "I don't understand—how did Jews from the Former Soviet Union
succeed in maintaining their Jewish identity? It's one thing to be a Jew in America,
where a Jewish boy typically gets a bris, and then goes to Hebrew school, and then,
when he celebrates his Bar Mitzvah, he feels like a complete Jew. But in Russia there
were no circumcisions as it was against the law—doing a bris could get you a few
years in Siberia. And who even dreamed of Hebrew school or Bar Mitzvahs? How
did they succeed in standing strong? What gave them the strength to protect their
Jewish identities?"
The shliach answered him: The first time a Jewish boy in Russia got beaten up in
school because he was Jewish, and was called "Zhid" despite not being sure
whether he really was a Jew in the first place since his parents hid the fact from
him—this beating was his bris. The second beating was his "Siddur Party," the small
celebration typically held in kindergarten or First Grade when little Jewish kids
receive their first prayer book. And the third time was his Bar Mitzvah—after all all
that, he is confirmed as a complete Jew.
In Russia, the shliach continued, it was not hard at all to remember that you're
Jewish. The non-Jews would take pains to remind you at every opportunity and any
chance.
In the United States, however, we are liable to quickly forget our true identity:
who we are, where we come from, and where we're headed. In America must we
seek means to ensure that the fact that we are Jews is remembered well, and that
above all, that our children remember it well.