Thursday, January 14, 2010

Yeshiva Skier - Joke

**In a slalom race, the skier must pass through about 20 gates in the fastest time.**

**Well, it happened that a very Orthodox Yeshiva in Montreal had an exceptional skier among its students. So fast, that in practice, with tzitzis streaming out behind, he had beaten the world record several times.**
**After first checking to make sure none of the men's slalom races would be on the Sabbath, he tried out for and made the Canadian Winter Olympic team.**
**With his times in the trial heats, he was the favorite for an Olympic gold medal.**
**Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.***

The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds.
The Swiss in 38.7 seconds.
The German in 37.8 seconds.
The Italian in 38.1 seconds.*

Then came the turn of the Canadian Yeshiva bocher. The crowd waited, and waited . . . .
Finally, after a full five minutes, he crossed the finish line.
"What happened to you?" screamed his coach when the skier finally arrived.*

Breathing hard, the exhausted yeshiva student replied, "All right, who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?"*

Friday, January 1, 2010

Year 2100: Jewish women will be lighting Shabbos candles.

Back in the mid nineties a Jewish advertising executive in New York came up with an idea.What if the New York Times - considered the world's most prestigious newspaper - listed the weekly Shabbat candle lighting time each week. Sure someone would have to pay for the space. But imagine the Jewish awareness and pride that might result from such a prominent mention of the Jewish Shabbat each week.He got in touch with a Jewish philanthropist and sold him on the idea. It cost almost two thousand dollars a week. But he did it. And for the next five years, each Friday, Jews around the world would see 'Jewish Women: Shabbat candle lighting time this Friday is .'. Eventually the philanthropist had to cut back on a number of his projects. And in June 1999, the little Shabbat notice and stopped appearing in the Friday Times. and from that week on it never appeared again.Except once.On January 1, 2000, the NY Times ran a Millennium edition. It was a special issue that featured three front pages. One had the news from January 1, 1900. The second was the actual news ofthe day, January 1, 2000. And then they had a third front page. Projecting future events of January 1, 2100. This fictional page included things like a welcome to the fifty-first state: Cuba. As well as a discussion as to whether robots should be allowed to vote. And so on. And in addition to the fascinating articles, there was one more thing. Down on the bottom of the Year 2100 front page, was the candle lighting time in New York for January 1, 2100. Nobody paid for it. It was just put in by the Times. The production manager of the New York Times - an Irish Catholic - was asked about it.His answer was right on the mark.And it speaks to the eternity of our people.And to the power of Jewish ritual."We don't know what will happen in the year 2100. It is impossible to predict the future. But of one thing you can be certain. That in the year 2100 Jewish women will be lighting Shabbos candles.

'These Jews,they don't even keep their own holidays' - Joke

the story of the Ivan who knocks down theJew in the street. The Jew gives him a coin and says that today is a YomTovwhere we give money to people who hit us and directs him to the Gvir whowill give him big money. Ivan goes to the Gvir's house and when the Gvir comesto the door, Ivan gives him a solid Zetz. The Gvir calls his servants whobeat the living daylight out of Ivan who goes away muttering, 'These Jews,they don't even keep their own holidays'