KGB chop firewood - Joke

Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s.

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel!
Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us - joke

It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign:
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.
"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."
"How much is it?"
"Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five."
Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.
The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more."
"How much more?"
"Twenty five dollars."
Feldman handed over the money.
"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die."
"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"
"Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"

That's my late husband's seat- Joke

Tickets, Anyone?
Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out to see My Fair Lady on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year, and scalpers are retiring on this one.

Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is such a sold out show, and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty."

The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."

Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so insensitive.

But a few minutes later, she turns around again.

"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"

The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at the funeral."

saved a dollar by running behind the bus - Joke

Abe's son arrives home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me" he says, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home." "Oy" says Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20"

richer than Bill Gates - Joke

" If I were Rockefeller," sighed the Hebrew teacher from Chelm, "I'd be richer than Bill Gates."
His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"
"I'd do a little teaching on the side."

Look who thinks he's nothing - joke

During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says,
"Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the isle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says,
"Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "!"

Bingo Seervice - joke

An Irish priest

An Irishman collapses in the middle of the street and thinking the end has come blurts out"a priest,get me a priest!"
A policeman arrives and asks the crowd gathering if anyone is a priest.
An old Jewish man comes
forward and says " Officer,I'm not a priest or even Catholic,but I've lived behind St. Mary's church for 30 years and I think I know the service by heart."
The policeman says to go ahead, the Irishman will probably not know the difference.
The elderly Jew kneels beside him, clasps his hands
together,and solomnly intones" B11,O42,N24....."

Smart Be-hind - joke

Ukrainian train

A Ukrainian merchant and a Jew happen to travel in the same compartment of a train.
And, as always in cases like this, the Ukrainian anti-Semite is only happy to show his spite to everything Jewish, so this is how their discussion goes:

Merchant: "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three sorts of newspapers when traveling: one Ukrainian which I read, the other Russian which I use to wrap my breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to wipe myself when I use a toilet."

Jew: "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that this way, your behind is apt to become more clever than your head?"

An honest German - joke

An honest German

An old Jew with two big bags walks on a railway station in Germany, sees a German and asks him:
"Excuse me, what do you think about Jews?"
"Oh, I like Jewish culture and I love Jewish nation!"

The old Jew walks further and asks another German:
"Please, tell me, do you like Jews?"
"Of course! Their mind and talent amaze me!"

The old Jew walks further and asks the third German:
"Do you like Jews?"
"What?! I hate them all! I hate them!"
"I see you are an honest man! Look for my luggage while I am in a WC."

No prayer allowed - joke

No prayer allowed

A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."
The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out."
"Alright," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."

Gold Teeth - joke

Gold Teeth

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.
He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So Moisha explained: "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

Squirrels in Shul - joke

Squirrels in Shul

A small town had two churches, Presbyterian and Methodist, and a Synagogue.
All three had a serious problem with squirrels in their buildings. Each in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Jews simply voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.

Converting a bear

Converting a bear

One day a Priest, a Pastor and a Rabbi were talking. Then suddenly the Priest says "lets see who can convert a bear to their religion".
So the Priest the Pastor and Rabbi all take turns in going into the woods and finding a bear to convert.

First the Priest comes back with some scratches on his face and says " The bear was fierce but as soon as I put some holly water on its head it just stopped".

Then the Pastor comes out with what looks like a broken arm and says "The bear was tackling me to the ground but as soon as we fell into a lake and I baptized it he was calm.

Then, 2 days later, the Priest and the Pastor go to the Hospital to find the Rabbi lying in bed with full body in cast. They asked "What happened?" the Rabbi replies "Maybe circumcision wasn't the best way to start".

3 eggs and $2000 - joke

Rabbi and his wife

Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house.
The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize.
His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him.
He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him.
She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."

Synagogue with Rats

Synagogue with Rats

Three Rabbi's disucssing problems in their Synagogues with Rats.

The first Rabbi says I managed to get all of the rats into a trap, put them in my car drove them up the freeway 100 miles, and dumped them on the side of the road and when i returned they were there again.

The second Rabbi says I had the same problem so managed to trap them into a container and drove them all up the freeway 500 miles and when I got back the same rats were there in the Synagogue.

The third Rabbi says you weren't thinking cleverly enough, I got all of the 100 rats that were in my Synagogue got each one up on the Bimma and made them have a barmitzvah and since then I haven't seen them since.

the secret service - joke

Army of HaShem

Jack was coming out of shul one day, and the rabbi was standing at
the door ashe always did to shake hands.
The rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of HaShem!"
Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of HaShem, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur?!"
Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Money up in the air - joke

Money up in the air

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.
The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...

Nine happy people - Joke

Nine happy people

It’s Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is in deep conversation with his friend.
"I must tell you something, Moshe," he says, "I made nine people very, very happy today."
"A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah," says Moshe, "but tell me­ how did you manage to achieve this?"
"I performed four marriage ceremonies in my synagogue this afternoon," replies Rabbi Levy.
Moshe is puzzled. "I can see how you made eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?"
"Do you really believe I did all this for free?" replies Rabbi Levy.

artificial insermonation - Joke

Special sermons

In a large Florida city, the Rabbi developed quite a reputation for impressive sermons, so much so, that everyone who was Jewish in the community came every Shabbat.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah, but he didn't want to miss the Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbat goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to Shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in Shul taping the Rabbi.
The Rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbat he, too, hired a Shabbat goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines...
... Marking the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.

Angry Rabbi - Joke

Angry Rabbi

Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."
"Why," asked the Rabbi.
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."
"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."
"The food wasn't kosher."
"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.
"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."
"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"
"What, on Yom Kippur?"

Jewish identity

Recently, at a Chabad center somewhere in the United States, a Russian
immigrant family celebrated the Bas Mitzvah of their daughter. Their family had not
marked a Bar or Bas Mitzvah in over 100 years, as doing so in Russia was impossible.
Before the party began, an American-born Jew approached the Chabad rabbi
and asked: "I don't understand—how did Jews from the Former Soviet Union
succeed in maintaining their Jewish identity? It's one thing to be a Jew in America,
where a Jewish boy typically gets a bris, and then goes to Hebrew school, and then,
when he celebrates his Bar Mitzvah, he feels like a complete Jew. But in Russia there
were no circumcisions as it was against the law—doing a bris could get you a few
years in Siberia. And who even dreamed of Hebrew school or Bar Mitzvahs? How
did they succeed in standing strong? What gave them the strength to protect their
Jewish identities?"
The shliach answered him: The first time a Jewish boy in Russia got beaten up in
school because he was Jewish, and was called "Zhid" despite not being sure
whether he really was a Jew in the first place since his parents hid the fact from
him—this beating was his bris. The second beating was his "Siddur Party," the small
celebration typically held in kindergarten or First Grade when little Jewish kids
receive their first prayer book. And the third time was his Bar Mitzvah—after all all
that, he is confirmed as a complete Jew.
In Russia, the shliach continued, it was not hard at all to remember that you're
Jewish. The non-Jews would take pains to remind you at every opportunity and any
chance.
In the United States, however, we are liable to quickly forget our true identity:
who we are, where we come from, and where we're headed. In America must we
seek means to ensure that the fact that we are Jews is remembered well, and that
above all, that our children remember it well.

A Sidder for Bread

I would like to conclude with a story that the famous Nazi-hunter – Simon
Wiesenthal – told when he once spoke at a conference of European
Rabbis in Bratislava in Slovakia. The rabbis presented the 91-year-old Wiesenthal
with an award, and Mr.Wiesenthal, visibly moved, told them the
following story.
It was in Mauthausen, shortly after liberation. The camp was visited
by Rabbi Eliezer Silver, head of Agudas Harabonim (Union of Orthodox
Rabbis of North America), on a mission to offer aid and comfort to the
survivors. Rabbi Silver also organized a special service, and he invited
Wiesenthal to join the other survivors in prayer. Mr. Wiesenthal declined,
and explained why.
“In the camp,” Mr. Weisenthal said to Rabbi Silver, “there was one religious
man who somehow managed to smuggle in a siddur (prayer book).
At first, I greatly admired the man for his courage -- that he’d risked his
life in order to bring the siddur in. But the next day I realized, to my horror,
that this man was ‘renting out’ this siddur to people in exchange for food.
People were giving him their last piece of bread for a few minutes with the
prayer book. This man, who was very thin and emaciated when the whole
thing started, was soon eating so much that he died before everyone else
-- his system couldn’t handle it.”
Mr. Wiesenthal continued: “If this is how religious Jews behave, I’m not
going to have anything to do with a prayer book.”
Wiesenthal turned to walk away, Rabbi Silver touched him on the shoulder
and gently said in Yiddish, “You silly man. Why do you look at the
Jew who used his siddur to take food out of starving people’s mouths?
Why don’t you look at the many Jews who gave up their last piece of bread
in order to be able to use a siddur? That’s faith. That’s the true power of the
siddur.” Rabbi Silver then embraced him.
“I went to the services the next day,” said Wiesenthal.

all prayers are answered, it’s just that sometimes the answer is no!

all prayers are answered, it’s just that sometimes the answer is no!

Talking to the Wall - Joke

In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old Rabbi
who visited the Kotel, the Western Wall to pray twice a day every day for
over five decades.
In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he
is. She watches the old man at prayer and after about 45 minutes, when he
turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. “I’m Rebecca Smith
from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and
praying?”
“For about 50 years,” he informs her. “That’s amazing! What do you
pray for?” “I pray for peace between the Jews and Arabs. I pray for all the
hatred to stop and I pray for all of our children to grow up in safety and
friendship.”
“And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a brick wall!”
Since today is Rosh Hashanah, and the

The 6am shnorer - Joke

A shnorer (a professional Jewish fund-raiser) rings the bell of a banker's home at 6 a.m., claiming it is an emergency. The banker hurries to the door to find the shnorer asking for a donation.

"How dare you wake me up at this time!" yelled the banker.

The shnorer responds: "Mr. Banker, listen to me. I don't tell you when to begin working in the morning, so please don't tell me when I am to begin working in the morning."

one day of freedom

In the 16th Century, an innocent Jew was thrown into prison by a feudal baron who gave him a life sentence. For some reason, this tyrannical baron decided to show the man a bit of mercy. He told him, “Look Jew, you’re my prisoner for life, there’s nothing that will change that. But this I will do for you: I will grant you one day out of every year, one day of freedom during which you can return to your family, to your community. You can practice your religion, do whatever you want. I don’t care which day you choose. But remember, you have only one day a year; you decide for yourself which day it will be.”

The man was conflicted. What day should he choose?

Should he choose Rosh Hashanah – to hear the sounding of Shofar? Yom Kippur – the holiest day of the year? Passover – to celebrate a Seder? His wedding anniversary?

This Jewish prisoner, not being able to make up his mind, wrote a letter to one of the rabbinic leaders of that generation, the Radbaz (Reb Dovid ben Abi Zimra), asking for his advice (3).

The Radbaz wrote him back an answer. He said, the day you should choose is the very first day available. Whatever it is, grab it now, don’t wait! Be it a holiday, a Shabbat, a Monday, a Wednesday, the soonest day you can get out, grab it.

This was a marvelous reply. More important, it holds true for us as well. We too, are often psychological prisoners to our bad habits. We feel it is too difficult to summon the will to do things right. “I’m not ready yet. I can’t change who I am.”

Rolls-Royce with no shower - Joke

Shlomo, driving a Yugo in Tel Aviv, pulls up at a stoplight next to a
Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles at the driver of the Rolls,
“Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. Have you got a phone in it? I’ve got one in
my Yugo!”
David, the driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes, I have a
phone.”
“Cool!” continues Shlomo. “Have you got a fridge in there, too? I got a
fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
David, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

Shlomo goes on, “That’s great! Listen, have you got a TV in there? I got
a one right next to me.”
David, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television.
A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
“Say,” persists Shlomo, “Have you got a bed in your car? I got one in
the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he hadn’t, David immediately drove off straight to his dealer
and demanded that a bed be installed in the back of the car. The next morning
David picked up his car, with a superb bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls
Royce...
David immediately went searching for the Yugo, and only late in the
afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows fogged up from the
inside.
He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Shlomo stuck his head out, soaking
wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” David stated arrogantly.
“What?!” complained Shlomo, “You got me out of the shower to tell me
this?”

Faith on the Death Train

Faith on the Death Train
The Rebbe of Modzitz, Rabbi Shaul Yedidya Elazar, had Chassidim
throughout the major towns and cities of Poland. One of these was Reb
Azriel David Fastag, who was noted for his exceptional voice throughout
Warsaw. Many came to the shul where Reb Azriel David and his brothers,
who were also blessed with lovely voices, would pray on the High Holy
Days. Reb Azriel David would lead the prayers, while his brothers accompanied
him as a choir. His crisp, clear and moving voice had a profound
effect on all who heard him.
Reb Azriel David lived simply, earning his livelihood from a small clothing
store, but his happiness and fulfillment came from another source -- the
world of Chassidic music. His moving tunes made their way to Otvoczk
(a suburb of Warsaw), where his Rebbe, Rabbi Shaul Yedidya Elazar appreciated
them immensely. The day a new niggun (melody) by Reb Azriel
David arrived was a festive day for for the Rebbe.
Dark clouds began to cover the skies of Europe -- the clouds of Nazism.
In spite of the terrible decrees, the yellow patch and the ghettoes, most
Jews could not fathom what was about to befall them. Only a few managed
to escape the clutches of the Nazi occupation to safe havens. One of them
was the Modzitzer Rebbe, Rebbe Shaul Yedidya Elazar, whose Chassidim
made a tremendous effort to save him. As the Nazis entered Poland, the
Chassidim smuggled him out of Poland to Vilna, in Lithuania, and from
there he made his way across Russia to Shanghai, China, eventually arriving
in America in 1940.
Meanwhile in Poland tens of thousands of Jews were being shipped off
daily to their death in cattle cars that were part of the railway system.
Roused from their warm beds in Warsaw in the middle of the night, husbands
were separated from their wives, children wrested from the arms
of their parents. The elderly were often shot on the spot, in front of their
loved ones. Then the Jews were gathered and sent off in those trains to a
place where their existence would no longer trouble the Nazis -- to Auschwitz,
Treblinka, Majdanek.
Inside the crowded cars, over the clatter of the cattle cars’ wheels, rose
the sounds of people gasping, sighing, weeping and dying. One could hear
the stifled cries of children crushed together. But in one such car, headed
toward the infamous death camp Treblinka, the sound of singing could be
heard.
It seems that an elderly Jew, wrapped up in his ragged clothing, his face
white as snow, had made his way over to his neighbor on the death train,
begging him to remind him the tune of Ma’areh Kohen sung by Modzitzer
Rebbe during the Yom Kippur service.
“Now? Now, what you want to hear is niggunim?” answered the other,
with a hard look at the Chassid, thinking that maybe all the suffering had
caused him to lose his mind.
But this Modzitzer Chassid, Reb Azriel David Fastag, was no longer
paying attention to his friend, or to anyone else on the train. In his mind, he
was at the prayer stand next to his Rebbe on Yom Kippur, and it is he who
was leading the prayer before the Rebbe and all the Chassidim.

the Thirteen Principles of Jewish Faith: Ani ma’amin b’emuna sheleima,
b’viat hamoshiach; v’af al pi she’yismamaya, im kol zeh, achakeh lo
b’chol yom she’yavo -- “I believe with perfect faith in the coming of the
Moshiach; and even though he may tarry, nevertheless, I wait each day for
his coming.” Closing his eyes, he meditated on these words and thought,
“Just now, when everything seems lost, is a Jew’s faith put to the test.”
It was not long before he began to hum a quiet tune to these words.
There, amidst the death and despair on the train to Treblinka, the Chassid
was transformed into a pillar of song, bringing forth out of his bloodied
lungs the song of the eternity of the Jewish People. He was unaware of the
silence in the cattle car, and of the hundreds of ears listening attentively
in amazement. He also didn’t hear the voices as they gradually joined his
song, at first quietly, but soon growing louder and louder.
The song spread from car to car. Every mouth that could still draw a
breath joined in Reb Azriel Dovid’s Ani Ma’amin.
As if waking from a dream, Reb Azriel David opened his eyes to the
sight of the singing train. His eyes were red from crying, his cheeks wet
with tears. In a choked voice, he cried out: “I will give half of my portion
in Olam Habbah (the World to Come) to whoever can take my song to the
Modzitzer Rebbe!”
A hushed silence descended upon the train. Two young men appeared,
promising to bring the song to the Rebbe at any cost. One of them climbed
upon the other, and finding a small crack of the train’s roof broke out a
hole from which to escape. Poking his head out under the open sky, he
said, “I see the blue heavens above us, the stars are twinkling and the
moon, with a fatherly face, is looking at me.”
“And what do you hear?” asked his companion.
“I hear,” the young man answered, “the angels on high singing Ani
Ma’amin, and it’s ascending to the seven firmaments of heaven!”
Bidding farewell to their brothers and sisters on the train, the two proceeded
to jump off, one after the other. One was killed instantly from the
fall. The other survived, taking the memory of the song with him. He eventually
found his way to Land of Israel (perhaps to the Modzitzer Rebbe’s

son, the author of Imrei Aish, who was in Tel-Aviv), and the notes were
sent by mail to Rebbe Shaul Yedidya Elazar in New York.
Upon receiving the notes and having the Reb Azriel Dovid’s Ani
Ma’amin sung before him, the Modzitzer Rebbe said: “When they sang
Ani Ma’amin on the death train, the pillars of the world were shaking. The
Almighty said, ‘Whenever the Jews will sing Ani Ma’amin, I will remember
the six million victims and have mercy on the rest of My People.’”
It is told that on the first Yom Kippur that the Modzitzer Rebbe sang
the Ani Ma’amin, there were thousands of Jews in the shul. The entire
congregation burst into tears, which fell like water into the pool of tears
and blood of the Jewish people. The tune soon spread throughout world
Jewry.
“With this niggun,” said Rebbe Shaul Yedidya Elazar, “the Jewish people
went to the gas chambers. And with this niggun, the Jews will march
to greet Moshiach.”

Baal Shem Tov -

On Rosh Hashanah of the year 5507, Reb Yisrael - commonly known as
the Baal Shem Tov - went up to Heaven to see what was happening there.
The things he saw there were so incredible that they are simply impossible
to explain.
On his way back to Earth, the Baal Shem Tov stopped off in Gan-Eden-
Hatachton, (the lowest of the seven Gan-Eden’s), where he met many different
types of souls. The souls immediately recognized the great Tzaddik,
and together as one they begged him to please help them reach higher
places in Heaven. Reb Yisrael saw how happy they were that he had come
and how certain they were that he would help them and go up with them
to higher places - therefore he agreed to do it. However, since Reb Yisrael
had never gone so high before, he was afraid that he might be unable to
come all the way down again; he therefore asked his Rebbe, Achiya Hashilony,
to come with him, for Reb Yisrael felt safer with his teacher at his
side. (Achiya Hashilony was a prophet who had lived from the times of
ancient Egypt all the way to the times of King Shlomo; although he had
already passed away, he would come to the Baal Shem Tov to teach him
Torah.)
The Baal Shem Tov, Achiya Hashilony and the souls then began to soar
up high into Heaven. They went highand higher, coming to places so high
in fact, that even Reb Yisrael himself had never been to them before. They
came to an incredibly high place and there, before their eyes, stood the
heavenly palace of Moshiach, which is where Moshiach learns Torah with
all the Tannaim and Tzaddikim who have already passed away.
Reb Yisrael entered the palace and saw that everyone there was very
happy about something. He wasn’t sure about what but was afraid that
maybe it was because he had died, and that’s why the Tzaddikim were so
happy - because he had come to join them. However, they reassured him
that his time to leave the world had not yet come.
Reb Yisrael then asked Moshiach, “When are you coming, Master?”
“When your teachings will spread to the rest of the world!” Moshiach
answered.
Upon hearing those words the holy Baal Shem Tov immediately returned
to Earth and spread his teachings far and wide, in greater amounts and to
more people than he had ever done before.

How Can the Rebbe Love Torah-hating Jews?

It so happened that someone wrote in and complained to the Rebbe.
‘How can it be that such a respectable Torah figure as himself gives any
sort of attention, no less honor, to such Torah-hating Jews?
The Rebbe answered, ‘When a Jew wakes up in the morning on Yom
Kippur, shaves, cooks breakfast, turns on the radio and while eating (all
these things are transgressions) hears the announcer say “Today is the Jewish
Day of Atonement, thousands of Jews throughout the world are….. “
Suddenly he remembers that he bought tickets to the services. He looks
at his watch, grabs the cup of coffee runs out of the house to his car, drives
to the Synagogue, runs inside, takes his seat and opens his prayer book for
fifteen minutes.
Suddenly he slaps himself on the forehead and yells out ‘OY! I’m late
for the meeting in the stock market!’ He closes his book and runs out of
the house of prayer.
Concluded the Rebbe: You have no idea how much pleasure G‑d gets
from that fifteen minutes that that Jew sat in the Synagogue.

Almost unexplainably Jews throughout the world suddenly are moved.
It’s not because they are thinking about punishment or reward, but rather
because they feel that G‑d is the creator of the world and they want to
serve Him.
Rosh HaShanna is the date that G‑d finished creating the world and
the date that He created man. And that is what every Jew feels, at least
subconsciously.
That G‑d is the King of the Universe and we are his servants.
This is the message of the Shofar and it will only be completely manifested
with the arrival of Moshiach. Then the ‘Great Shofar’ will sound and
the entire world will declare (as we say in the prayers of these High Holy
Days) “The G‑d of Israel is King and His kingship is on all creation.” So
what we are really all praying for on Rosh HaShanna is that we all....
Have a healthy, happy, sweet New Year with Moshiach NOW!!

take off you big thick sheepskin coat

farmer goes to the big city for market day makes a nice profit passes a clothing store and decides to treat himself to a suit the salesman looks at him gives him a suit to try on and he goes into the changing room. The sales man hears angry grunts and scuffling coming from the room he opens the curtain and sees the way the poor man has one hand in and is caught and is trying to push the other hand in and the suit is ripping he yells at the salesman what did you give me this is not big enough for a child!!??

The salesman tells him first take off you big thick sheepskin coat before you try on my suits! He helps him take off the jacket and the sweaters and the suit fits!!

"Leave behind the negative deeds and the good will go on that much easier. The wicked shall give up his way, and the man of iniquity his thoughts, and he shall return to the Lord, Who shall have mercy upon him, and to our God, for He will freely pardon"

I no longer run a bar I run a grocery!

a moshul the mezritcher Maggid told dr. gaurdia a Baal Teshuva who was the personal doctor of the king of Prussia when asked regarding how to deal with the thoughts etc. of his old life.

A Jew named Moshe ran a tavern in a small town made a decent living but got sick of how the peasants would get drunk and vulgar they would become and tear the place apart so he decided to change his tavern into a grocery store but the peasants used to spending the nights at Moshke's place would show up banging on the door asking for a drink and he would yell you got the wrong place I no longer run a bar I run a grocery!!! This is what you have to do tell your thoughts I am no longer the man I once was you got the wrong address it just takes some time.

story of king.. hunting with his friend

story of king.. hunting with his friend who always had a postivie “this is good” atitude… the friend prepared the kings gun… didn’t do something right.. king blew off his own finger… the frieND said “this is good”… king furious.. has him locked up… year later king is hunting… captured by cannibals… tie him up… set up the stake for the bar-b-que… they notice he’s missing a finger… rule of cannibals.. can’t eat anyone that is less than perfect.. let him go.. relaizes his frieND saved his life… and that it was good… went to jail and said “you were right”… so sorry what i did to you.. you were my friend.. “this was good”.. how can you say that… if i had not been in jail.. i would have been with you….

There is a story of a mother who calls her Rabbi late one night in a panic. ‘Rabbi, what should I do when my son has trouble making friends or has difficulty with tests, how will he adjust to college?!’ ‘Don’t worry my dear friend.’ the rabbi replies when suddenly he hears the sounds of a crying child in the background. ‘How old is your son?’ the Rabbi asks.

‘He is two years old,’ comes the mothers reply.

Moshe Dayan One Eye - Joke

Stopped on one occasion by a military policeman for pushing the speed limit by driving 75 m.p.h. when the military speed limit was 44 m.p.h., Dayan said with a wry smile: "I have only one eye. What do you want me to watch—the speedometer or the road?"

before it starts - Joke

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

walking through a sweltering hot desert - Joke

A Frenchman, an Irishman and a Jew are walking through a sweltering hot desert. The Frenchman says ‘I’m so tired, I’m so thirsty- I must have a glass of wine.’ The Irishman says, ‘I’m so tired, I’m so thirsty- I must have a glass of beer’. The Jew says, ‘I’m so tired, I’m so thirsty – I must have diabetes!

Which Way to Galilee? Do you know where you come from?

Which Way to Galilee? Do you know where you come from?

A young boy was traveling from Jerusalem to the Galilee. He arrived at a four-way crossroads and discovered, to his horror, that the sign had fallen down.

Now he had no way to know which road to take to reach his destination. What was he to do?

The answer was simple. He knew where he was coming from - Jerusalem. By arranging the sign so that Jerusalem pointed to the path he had just come from, he was able to figure out which way to go.

When we know where we have come from, we can know where we are going.

A Walk Through the Desert What is forgiveness?

A Walk Through the Desert What is forgiveness?

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped
was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?"
The other friend replied "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND - FORGIVE AND FORGET - AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.

The Carrot, the Egg and the Cup of Coffee

The Carrot, the Egg and the Cup of Coffee

How do you handle adversity?

It's the tale of a carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee . . .
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her daughter closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial - hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside I am bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Are You Poor? Do we appreciate everything we have?

Are You Poor? Do we appreciate everything we have?

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the purpose of showing his son how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yes," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a
river that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go
beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

The Elderly Carpenter Life is a 'Do-it-Yourself' project

2) The Elderly Carpenter Life is a 'Do-it-Yourself' project

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you."

The carpenter was shocked! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building, then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back.

You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. "Life is a do-it-yourself project," someone has said. Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the "house" you live in tomorrow.

Kings Son - Cry of the shofar

A parable from Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov:

A King had an only son, the apple of his eye. The King wanted his son to master different

fields of knowledge and to experience various cultures, so he sent him to a far-off

country, supplied with a generous quantity of silver and gold. Far away from home, the son

squandered all the money until he was left completely destitute. In his distress he

resolved to return to his father's house and after much difficulty, he managed to arrive

at the gate of the courtyard to his father's palace.

In the passage of time, he had actually forgotten the language of his native country, and

he was unable to identify himself to the guards. In utter despair he began to cry out in a

loud voice, and the King, who recognized the voice of his son, went out to him and brought

him into the house, kissing him and hugging him.

The meaning of the parable: The King is G-d. The prince is the Jewish people, who are

called "Children of G-d" (Deuteronomy 14:1). The King sends a soul down to this world in

order to fulfill the Torah and mitzvot. However, the soul becomes very distant and forgets

everything to which it was accustomed to above, and in the long exile it forgets even its

own "language." So it utters a simple cry to its Father in Heaven. This is the blowing of

the shofar, a cry from deep within, expressing regret for the past and determination for

the future. This cry elicits G-d's mercies, and He demonstrates His abiding affection for

His child and forgives him.

Praying to a Cat - Story

Praying to a Cat
Rebbe Nachman of Bratzlav once said to his daughter, Edel, "A certain Jew
once prayed before a cat." He then explained to his surprised daughter,
"When this Jew was praying in his room, he heard some pushing and scratching
against the door, and he thought, 'Some of my admirers among the hasidim
want to hear me praying!' So he began to pray more loudly and fervently. But
actually it was just a cat rubbing up against the door and scratching it,
making it shake. So he was praying to a cat (may God save us)!"

Falling From a Ladder - Story

Falling From a Ladder
Rebbe Yisrael of Ger was so gentle and loving to those who had strayed from
Judaism that his hasidim were actually somewhat confounded. He once
explained by a parable: "A child climbed up a ladder and fell down. His
father slapped him and warned him never to do that again, lest he break his
leg. But if the child falls from a ladder and breaks his leg, then his
father runs to help and comfort him; he doesn't punish him. He rushes to
take him to the doctor and hospital." (Paraphrased from Pe'er Yisrael,
p.356)

Over the Wall to the Sukkah

5. Over the Wall to the Sukkah

Rabbi Abraham of Slonim (the Yesod HaAvodah) arrived at the synagogue in the

morning on the first day of Sukkot and found a Jewish soldier there. The

rebbe called him over and said, "I see light shining from you. What did you

do?" The soldier was speechless; he had no idea what to say. But when the

rebbe pressed him he told the rebbe what had happened the previous night,

the first night of Sukkot. He was a guard in his army camp and was feeling

badly that he wouldn't he able to observe the mitzvah of being in a sukkah.

Then he saw that beyond the wall around the camp there was a Jewish home and

in its courtyard was a sukkah. Now, if he left his post he could be shot but

he decided that after all the officers left and he was alone, he would climb

the wall and be in the sukkah. As time passed he began to be upset because

the officers were not leaving and the mitzvah is traditionally performed

most perfectly before midnight. But fifteen minutes before midnight everyone

left and he was alone. He stuck a piece of bread in his pocket and jumped

over the wall quickly so no other soldiers could see him, he made kiddush on

the bread (which is permitted if one has no wine) and sat eating in the

sukkah. Then he quickly jumped back over the wall. He was so happy, he told

the rebbe, that he had fulfilled the mitzvah with self-sacrifice. "That's

beautiful," said the rebbe, "but you wouldn't shine so much from that. Tell

me more." Then the soldier admitted that he was so happy at what he had done

that he had danced in the camp the whole night. "Now I understand why you're

shining so much," said the rebbe. (Yehi Or, p.264)