i want to dies a jew

 Rabbi Chaim Slavititzky - matzah for a women - 

" i am the rude lady from the doc office a few months ago"

My father is in hospital only hours to live - only 48 hours to live

Your the only Rabbi I know

Rabbi Went to Hospital.

"im confused as why my dad is suddely interested in a Rabbi... we never did anything Jewish"

Ronnie ask both daughters to leave room - "Rabbi, I was born a jew... i want to dies a jew"

Rabbi - I will do a Jewish Burial... may says no I want to have bris.

Rabbi- says im not a mohel

Calls a Mohel before Rosh Hashanah (man only had 48 hours to live)

"Ronnie, I found a mohel"

Nurse - not happenig - what are you worried about, ill die?

Samantha (daugter) found out  - my dad lost it in his last days

Legal - Dept - if you find a doctor, a mohel

6 hours before rosh hashanah - Ronnie became Avrohom

Chaim stayed with him his final hours... squeezed him hand witht the waves of pain.

" I never suffere dfrom Jewish Guilt" i was happy for 8o years

BUt Doc came and said i had 48 hours to live....  something hit me...

I had everything I ever wanted.

The only t‌hing i did not have a relationship with is my soul.

I realized that nothing else i have will matter... house... money ... boat... it all evaporated.

Now I am ready to die...

But he lived through rosh hashanah (shofar)... sukkos (lulav) 

Buried as a Jew

Samantha gave her son a Bar Mitzvah

airbags in your new lexus work well.

 Sara calls her husband at work... im going into a board meeting.  I have good news and bad news... the airbags in your new lexus work well.

oy, i wish i had your will power

 Womans is leaving her muli-million estage in beverly hills...

Poor man 'Please i have not eaten in 3 days"

Woman - oy, i wish i had your will power

When does life begin?

 When does life begin?

Preist say conseption , Minister says birth, Rabbi, when kids graducate college and mortgage is paid...

Better one of them should die, than one of us...

 "I can't believe it, Harold. All your life you were a good Jew! And now, in the last

few months of your life, you've converted?"

"Well," he says, "I figured it out... You

know how many gentiles there are in the world? You know how many Jews there

are in the world? Better one of them should die, than one of us..."

That's what you call a Yiddishe kop

you really should now be thinking more of the hereafter.”

 Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an elderly member of his

congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, “You know, my dear Mrs Gold, that you

are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty that he will

grant you many more years in good health, you really should now be

thinking more of the hereafter.”

Mrs Gold replied, “Thank you, Rabbi, but I am always thinking about

the hereafter.”

Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with this response. “Really?” he said.

“Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs, I say to myself, ‘what am I

here after?’ and every time I go into my kitchen, I say to myself, ‘what

am I here after?’ I do it all the time now.”

"Do you think it's easy being an optimist

 A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for a

coffee and a chat.  Usually, their discussion is very negative.

One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear, "You know what? I've now become an optimist."

But then Sam notices something isn't quite right and he says to Moishe, "Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist, why are you looking so worried?"

Moishe replies, "Do you think it's easy being an optimist

make sure to send him a bill for your medical advice

 David Goldberg, a seasoned doctor, turns to Harry Rabinowitz, the man seated next to him in the synagogue, and says, "Harry, you're an intelligent lawyer, I need your help."

The doctor begins his lament. "Every Shabbos," he says, "during the entire time of the service, people approach me seeking medical advice. This one has 38 stomach pains, this one's wife woke up with a headache, this guy's mother law's back hurts. I am just sick and tired of this. Shabbos is my only day of rest."

"Listen to me," says Harry. "Next guy that comes over, give him the advice heneeds, but make sure to send him a bill for your medical advice the following week. I guarantee you," says Harry, "that in no time you will have peace and quiet in the synagogue."

"Great idea!" exclaims the doctor. He returns home in a great mood.

Tuesday, as David is opening the mail, he finds a bill from his friend Harry Rabinowitz.

"I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!"

 Shmuel Solomon was having trouble in school. That's why his father was so

pleased when Shmuel came home and reported that he got a 100% on his reportcard. "That's fantastic Shmuel!" his father said. "What course did you get it in?" "Well," said Shmuel, "I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!"

heavy house cleaning at home - passover

 Abe goes to see his boss and says, "we're doing some heavy house

cleaning at home tomorrow for Passover and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short handed.

Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss." says Abe, "I knew I could count on you!"

"Second wife? Mazel tov! I didn’t know you remarried.

 Sadly, slowly, Micha

el Cohen entered the synagogue.

He trudged into the secretary’s office and sighed, "Shmulik, I’m here."

He sat down. "I have to make arrangements for my wife’s burial.

"Cohen!" exclaimed Shmulik. "Don’t you remember?" We buried your darling wife two years ago!"

Mr Cohen nodded. "I remember, I remember. That was my first wife. I’m here about my second."

"Second wife? Mazel tov! I didn’t know you remarried.

"Mummy, how do you spell zilla?"

 Little 5 year old Benjy was practicing spelling on his fridge using a set of magne tic letters. Freda, his mother, had watched him put together words such as 'mum', 'dad', 'dog', 'cat' and 'car' and was very proud of her clever son. But then Benjy shouted out, "Look what I spelled, mummy."

Freda looked at the fridge and saw that he had put up the three magnetic letters, 'G' 'O' 'D'.

"Why, that's wonderful, Benjy," she said, "why don't you leave them on the fridge until daddy comes home?" "OK, mummy," he said.

But just as Freda was thinking that the Jewish school he went to was st

arting to have an impact, Benjy's little voice called out, "Mummy, how do you spell zilla?"

"I didn't realize that Israelis read from right to left!!!

 A disappointed Coca Cola salesman returns from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make it. But, I had a problem. I didn't know Hebrew. So, I planne

d to convey the message via three posters. The first poster was a man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted. The second poster was the man drinking the Coca Cola. The third poster was the man now totally refreshed. These posters were pasted all over the place."

"That should have worked!!" said the friend.

"The heck it should have!!" replied the salesman. "I didn't realize that Israelis read from right to left!!!

"now that your future is assured, what about mine?"

 Cyril was 80 years old and was visiting his psychiatrist. "Doctor, I'm suffering from a lot of anxiety. What's going to happen to me? I'm very worried about my future." "Cyril," said the doctor, "don't worry, I can help you. All you need do is come and see me twice a week for the next 3 months. My charges will be $100 a visit and you'll need to pay in advance, of course." "Okay doctor," said Cyril, "now that your future is assured, what about mine?"

Strong Man - "I'm a fundraiser.

 The Strongman

The local pub was so sure that its bar tender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, rowers, wrestlers, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day Moshe, a scrawny little man, came into the bar. He went up to the bar tender and said in a soft voice, "I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the barman agreed. He grabbed a lemon and

squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to Moshe.

But the laughter turned to silence as Moshe clenched his fist around the lemon and four more drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the barman paid the $1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a professional strong man, or what?"

Moshe replied, "I'm a fundraiser.

"I don't like her."

 A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's f

allen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

T0he next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red

head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

With or without bones?

 Gary goes to Jacobs Butchers for some pickled brisket. As Jacob is wrapping his order, Gary says to him, "So, Jacob, you can congratulate me. My daughter has just given birth to a beautiful nine pound baby boy."

Jacob nods his approval in an absent minded kind of way and says, "Nine

pounds, eh? With or without bones?

never tell marriage jokes.

 You know, you should never tell marriage jokes.

Women don't find them funny,

And men don't think they're jokes.

Mom and I will catch the next bus…”

 After a long day spent with the family in Manhattan, dad is trying to get a ride home.

He flags a taxi, and as the driver rolls down the window he says “listen. If you turned off the meter, how much would you charge my family for a ride to Brooklyn.”

Driver says “I’d take you and your wife for $35, and your three kids can ride for free.”

The father opens the back door, calls his children and says “kids, this nice man is gonna take you home. Mom and I will catch the next bus…”

---

I am William. The little rascal’s name is Kevin”

 A woman is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson at the supermarket. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits – all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long … easy boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. The grandad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little rascal’s name is Kevin”

“I work for 7-11!”

 Three men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7-11!”

25th wedding anniversary

 25th wedding anniversary... shopping in mall... wife didnt see husbend for 30 minutes... wifes calls husband, where are you? 

Remeber that jewlery shop... yes... the pink dimond you loved .. yes yes... i said that one day i will find the money ... yes yes... ok good. im in the sports bar accross from that jewlery shop haveing some drinks... please let me know when you are finished shopping.

No Eggs are not rare but rothchilds are!

  A Jew stopped in a Gernman town... went into a diner...Eggs and Salad $1000? Eggs must be very rare in this village... No Eggs are not rare but rothchilds are!

Joke - I just didn’t sign the checks.”

 One Chanukah, a mother decided that she was no longer going to keep nagging her children to write thank-you notes for the presents they received from relatives. It was time for them to decide what was right for themselves without her cajoling and reminding them. 

As a result, their generous grandmother never received any acknowledgment of the generous checks she had given them—not a single tiny peep of thanks from either of these kids. It seemed as if they were not ready to properly experience or express gratitude. 

It was a real disappointment.

The next year, things were already different, however, and both mother and grandmother were thrilled at the sudden shift in behavior. The grandmother’s eyes twinkled as she told a friend triumphantly, “The children came over in person to thank me.” 

“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “That’s very impressive. What do you think caused the change in behavior?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the grandmother replied. “This year, I just didn’t sign the checks.”

They put that up for three days a year!”

There is a wonderful story about a synagogue in South Africa that hired a team of workers to put up a large Sukkah — the temporary hut used on the holiday of Sukkot. The workmen were fascinated by what they were building and asked the synagogue caretaker what this strange structure was being built for. They had never seen anything quite like it, somewhere between a house and a tent. He explained to the workers that the ‘structure’ was called a Sukkah and that it was needed for the upcoming eight-day Jewish holiday. The workers were incredulous. They said to the caretaker, “Do you actually mean to tell us that we’re putting all of this up for just eight days a year?” All that work was for little more than a week. They could not believe it. 

And the caretaker turned and pointed to the synagogue and said, “That’s nothing; they put that up for three days a year!” 

Israeli Yeshiva Boy and the Girl on bus