JK: Who's Phone is this?

 Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I found one I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: OK — but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing: remember that house I wanted last year? It’s back on the market. They’re asking $980,000. Man: Then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: Perfect! Thanks, honey. I love you! Man: Love you too. Bye.

The man hung up.

The other men in the locker room stared at him in shock, their mouths wide open.

He smiled and asked:

“Does anyone know whose phone this is?”

The lie detector

 Moscowitz decides there is too much lying in his home. So he buys a lie detector, an AI robot that beeps every time someone utters a lie.

That night, mom asks their daughter Shirley, “did you clean up your room? Last time I checked, it looked like a hurricane hit it?”

Of course, mom! My room is spotless.

--Beep!

ooops… Yes, mom, I was actually on tic-tac.

Okay. Timmy, mom says, have you done your school work tonight? You have a big exam coming up!

--Of course, mom!

 --Beep!

Oops…. mom, I was actually watching a movie.

Was it an appropriate and clean movie?           

--Of course, mom.

Beep!

Dad is outraged. “I never watched such inappropriate stuff when I was your age.”

Beep!

Mom looks at dad and says: Well, he’s certainly your son.

airbags in your new lexus work well.

 Sara calls her husband at work... im going into a board meeting.  I have good news and bad news... the airbags in your new lexus work well.

heavy house cleaning at home - passover

 Abe goes to see his boss and says, "we're doing some heavy house

cleaning at home tomorrow for Passover and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short handed.

Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss." says Abe, "I knew I could count on you!"

"Second wife? Mazel tov! I didn’t know you remarried.

 Sadly, slowly, Micha

el Cohen entered the synagogue.

He trudged into the secretary’s office and sighed, "Shmulik, I’m here."

He sat down. "I have to make arrangements for my wife’s burial.

"Cohen!" exclaimed Shmulik. "Don’t you remember?" We buried your darling wife two years ago!"

Mr Cohen nodded. "I remember, I remember. That was my first wife. I’m here about my second."

"Second wife? Mazel tov! I didn’t know you remarried.

"I don't like her."

 A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's f

allen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

T0he next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red

head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

never tell marriage jokes.

 You know, you should never tell marriage jokes.

Women don't find them funny,

And men don't think they're jokes.

25th wedding anniversary

 25th wedding anniversary... shopping in mall... wife didnt see husbend for 30 minutes... wifes calls husband, where are you? 

Remeber that jewlery shop... yes... the pink dimond you loved .. yes yes... i said that one day i will find the money ... yes yes... ok good. im in the sports bar accross from that jewlery shop haveing some drinks... please let me know when you are finished shopping.

Under Pressure

Under Pressure
submitted by: Miriam Horowitz
An old man once entered an insurance office and asked to take out a life
insurance. "We're sorry," he was told, "We don't give life insurances to
anyone over 80 years old".
"That's not fair," the man protested, "you just gave one to my father last
week!"
"Your father?" was the incredulous reply, "we must check that out. What was
his name?" They investigated the matter and sure enough, it appeared that
they had, indeed, given this old man's father a life insurance.
"Well," said the administrator, "If we gave your father an insurance policy,
it is only fair that we give you one as well. We'll have to set up a date
for you to come by and sign the policy. Is next Tuesday good for you?"
"No", said the old man, "I can't come next Tuesday, my grandfather is
getting married."
"Your grandfather?!?"
"Yes. But actually, he doesn't really want to get married but his parents
are putting pressure on him"!

Joke fearing burglars

For 20 years a woman had been having trouble getting to sleep at night because she feared burglars. One night her husband heard a noise in the house, so he went downstairs to investigate. When he got there,  he did find a burglar. "Good evening," said the man of the house. "I am pleased to see you. Come upstairs and meet my wife. She has been waiting 20 years to meet you."

so much nachas from one daughter

Two women who haven't seen each other in years run into each other on the street. "How's your daughter," the first woman asks, "the one who married that surgeon?" "They were divorced," the second woman answers. "Oh, I'm so sorry." "But then she got married to a lawyer." "Mazal tov!" the friend exclaimed. "They were also divorced... But now everything?s alright, she's married to a very successful CPA." The first woman shakes her head from side to side. "Mmmm, so much nachas from one daughter..."

Joak - how Momma made the soup

Dovid was happily married to his dear and loving wife, Sarah, for nearly half a century. Her sudden death cast him into a terrible depression for which there was almost no cure. His son and daughter-in-law, Rachel, graciously invited him to stay at their home and share everything with them. Dovid's daughter-in-law, cooked every meal for him but Dovid was never pleased. No matter how deliciously prepared the meals were, he would sigh and mutter to himself, loud enough for his son to hear, "this was not the way Momma made the soup." Rachel poured through her mother-in-law's old recipe books and tried to re-create the delicious taste for which her father-in-law longed. But Dovid was still not pleased. One day, while the soup was on the fire, Dovid's grandchild fell outside. In her haste to get to the child, Rachel almost dropped in the entire pepper shaker. In addition, by the time the child was washed and bandaged, the soup was totally burned! There was nothing for Dovid's daughter to do but serve the severely spiced, burnt soup. She stood in agony as her elderly father in-law brought the soup to his lips. This time he would probably more than mumble a complaint. But it was not to be. A wide smile broke across Dovid's face. "Delicious my dear daughter," said Dovid with a tear in his eye. "Absolutely delicious! This is exactly how Momma made the soup!"

Joke: women use more words than men

WORDS

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held contention
that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed her the studyath results, which stated: "Men use about 15,000 words per day,

but women use 30,000."  His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, "That's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"

The widow - joke

Becky's husband dies. It was not until sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. 
"Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes." 
"Becky," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace." 
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends asked. 
"It contained £5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin for him." 
"The 2nd envelope contained £10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including some fine malt whisky." 
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends. 
"The 3rd envelope contained £25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did." 
Becky then held up her hand and pointed to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"

Joke - his entire life he never gave a thing

Issy and David friends fir many years always together
Every Sunday went fishing together

One Sunday the water got very rocky and turned over the boat.

David starts to swim to shore and hears Issy calling fir hell turns around sees Issy struggling to stay afloat
David remembers Issy doesn't know how to swim
He swims towards Issy and Issy starts going under and up
David says give me your hand Issy give me your hand ill save you
But he drowns

During shiva David is at the home if the widow
And she asks what happened that day
David tells over
She replies oy you should have given him your hand
Don't you know his entire life he never gave a thing

THE FABLE OF THE PORCUPINE...

THE FABLE OF THE PORCUPINE...

 It was the coldest winter ever...

 Many animals died because of the cold.

 The poor little porcupines, realizing the dire situation they were
in,decided to group together, this way, they covered themselves; but,
the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though
they
 gave off heat that would save to each other.

 After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from another
and soon they began to die...alone ...and frozen.

 Even though they are little animals, they had to make a life or death
choice... either accept the quills of their companions or disappear
from the earth!

 Wisely, they decided to go back to being together; this way they
learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close
relationship with their companions, but the most important part of it
was that the heat that came from the others allowed all to survive.t

 Therefore, the best relationship is not the one that brings together
perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live
with imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good
qualities.

 The moral of this story:
LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE!!!

Matchmaker in the Sky

It is said that God is the greatest matchmaker in the world and his first
successful "shidduch" or match, Adam and Eve, were the best match in human
history.
In heaven, Adam and Eve ask the Almighty why this is so.
"Well," God replied, "Adam, you didn't have to hear about all of the men
Even could have married, and Eve, you didn't have to hear about how well
Adam's mother cooked."

Marital research

Isaac has been quietly perusing a document for some time and his wife Rose
is getting curious. So she asks him, "Nu, so what are you reading, Isaac?"
"Our ketubah," he replies.
"But you've been staring at it now for nearly an hour," she says.
"I know," Isaac replies. "I'm looking for something."
"So what are you looking for, Isaac?" asks Rose.
"An expiry date," he replies.

The Air Up There

Sadie has died and today is her funeral. Her husband Nathan and many of
their family and friends are standing round the grave as Sadie's coffin is
lowered into the ground. Then, as is the custom, many of the mourners pick
up some shovels and help to fill the open grave with earth.
But on their way back to the prayer hall, the sky suddenly darkens, rain
starts to fall, flashes of lightening fill the sky and loud thunder rings
out.
Nathan turns to his rabbi and says, "Well rabbi, she's arrived alright."

Under Pressure
submitted by: Miriam Horowitz
An old man once entered an insurance office and asked to take out a life
insurance. "We're sorry," he was told, "We don't give life insurances to
anyone over 80 years old".
"That's not fair," the man protested, "you just gave one to my father last
week!"
"Your father?" was the incredulous reply, "we must check that out. What was
his name?" They investigated the matter and sure enough, it appeared that
they had, indeed, given this old man's father a life insurance.
"Well," said the administrator, "If we gave your father an insurance policy,
it is only fair that we give you one as well. We'll have to set up a date
for you to come by and sign the policy. Is next Tuesday good for you?"
"No", said the old man, "I can't come next Tuesday, my grandfather is
getting married."
"Your grandfather?!?"
"Yes. But actually, he doesn't really want to get married but his parents
are putting pressure on him"!