you really should now be thinking more of the hereafter.”

 Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an elderly member of his

congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, “You know, my dear Mrs Gold, that you

are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty that he will

grant you many more years in good health, you really should now be

thinking more of the hereafter.”

Mrs Gold replied, “Thank you, Rabbi, but I am always thinking about

the hereafter.”

Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with this response. “Really?” he said.

“Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs, I say to myself, ‘what am I

here after?’ and every time I go into my kitchen, I say to myself, ‘what

am I here after?’ I do it all the time now.”

Under Pressure

Under Pressure
submitted by: Miriam Horowitz
An old man once entered an insurance office and asked to take out a life
insurance. "We're sorry," he was told, "We don't give life insurances to
anyone over 80 years old".
"That's not fair," the man protested, "you just gave one to my father last
week!"
"Your father?" was the incredulous reply, "we must check that out. What was
his name?" They investigated the matter and sure enough, it appeared that
they had, indeed, given this old man's father a life insurance.
"Well," said the administrator, "If we gave your father an insurance policy,
it is only fair that we give you one as well. We'll have to set up a date
for you to come by and sign the policy. Is next Tuesday good for you?"
"No", said the old man, "I can't come next Tuesday, my grandfather is
getting married."
"Your grandfather?!?"
"Yes. But actually, he doesn't really want to get married but his parents
are putting pressure on him"!

Joke: They've stolen the steering wheel

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been
broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the
accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Joke: car going the wrong way on Interstate 77

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them! I am the only car,
in fact, driving in the right direction."

joke: meaning of life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house
and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span
of twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll
give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks,
and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to
perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:”You must go into the field with the
farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer’s family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How
about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy
your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty
the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that
makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years
we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we
sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

The physicist

A physicist is giving a lecture at a Jewish seniors residence and explaining
that in 4 and 1/2 billion years the sun will exhaust itself of fuel and burn
out and all life at we know it in the solar system will end.
Upset, Saul Epstein yells out, "Is there anything we can do professor? Can
we form any congressional committees, or donate money for research?"
The physicist responds, "Sir, why are you so upset? This won't happen for 4
and a half billion years?"
"Oh, thank God," says Mr. Epstein. "I thought you said it would happen in 4
and a half million years."

Under Pressure
submitted by: Miriam Horowitz
An old man once entered an insurance office and asked to take out a life
insurance. "We're sorry," he was told, "We don't give life insurances to
anyone over 80 years old".
"That's not fair," the man protested, "you just gave one to my father last
week!"
"Your father?" was the incredulous reply, "we must check that out. What was
his name?" They investigated the matter and sure enough, it appeared that
they had, indeed, given this old man's father a life insurance.
"Well," said the administrator, "If we gave your father an insurance policy,
it is only fair that we give you one as well. We'll have to set up a date
for you to come by and sign the policy. Is next Tuesday good for you?"
"No", said the old man, "I can't come next Tuesday, my grandfather is
getting married."
"Your grandfather?!?"
"Yes. But actually, he doesn't really want to get married but his parents
are putting pressure on him"!

In the Name of Love

It's Morty and Rivkah's 50th wedding anniversary and to celebrate, their son
Aaron invites the close family to a Golden Wedding dinner at his house.
During the evening, Aaron gets very emotional every time he hears his dad
call his mom by such endearing terms as ‘darling', ‘petal', and
‘sweetheart'. It's clear to Aaron that his parents are still very much in
love.
While Rivkah is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and
quietly says, "Dad, I'm so pleased for you both. I think it's fantastic that
after 50 years you're still calling mom by those loving pet names."
But Morty, looking very embarrassed, says, "Things are not always what they
seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth - I forgot your mother's name
about five years ago."

The teeth.

One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant.
Moshe orders just one plate of salt beef, latkes and new green cucumbers.
Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food. Sadie just sits
there watching him enjoy himself.
Shlomo, sitting at a table nearby, notices that Sadie hasn’t got a meal. He
then gets quite upset when, with plenty of food still left on his plate,
Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin and puts it on the
table.
“How mean,” thought Shlomo, “the elderly lady is just sitting there without
any food. Maybe they can’t afford two meals?”
So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says, “I hope you won’t be offended but I
see you don’t have anything to eat. Could I please treat you to a meal? It
would really make me happy if you said yes.”
Sadie replies, “That’s very kind of you but there is no need to worry about
me. My husband Moshe and I share everything 50/50 and now that he’s eaten
his half, it will soon be my turn.”
“So what are you waiting for?” asks Shlomo.