What kind of Jews do you have?

  

So, the next time Schlamazal or Schlemiel calls and asks “What kind of Jews live in ventnor , I have my answer all ready. Here it is:

We are wise Jews. Wicked Jews. We’re those I’ll be your 10^th man if you need me Jews. Those G-d is real, but I am not sure what he wants from me Jews. We’re those always questioning Jews. Those thinking Jews and let me tell you something Jews. Those old Jews. New Jews. If you need a place for Shabbos you can stay with me Jews.

Those always trying to make your life just a little better Jews. We’re those twice a year you’ll find me in shul, but I am Jewish all year long Jews. Those I would rather not, but since you asked me, OK I will wrap tefillin Jews. Those I am little scared to admit it but yes, I am a Jew, Jews. Those I just started keeping Shabbos in my college dorm and why didn’t anyone tell me about this before Jews.

We’re those I’m an Israeli so don’t tell me what to do Jews. Those yes, I am Haredi but not like the ones in the movies Jews. Those English, Turkish, Yemenite and Moroccan Jews. Those Ashkenazi blonde-and-blue-eyed but no I’m not a shiksa Jews. Those recently converted and totally loving it Jews. We are 7^th generation Charleston Jews. Soviet era born and desperately trying to catch up Jews. Not yet but working on being more shabbat conscious Jews.

Those I’m not religious but so proud of being Jewish Jews. Those we don’t know why we’re still being persecuted Jews. And I am a little afraid so I’m trying not to be too Jewish Jews. And those whenever we’re murdered you probably think we had it coming Jews. But still, not afraid to wear my Star of David Am Israel Chai Jews.

We’re those you don’t want to hear this, but I don’t care what you think Jews. Those bullied in high school because I was rocking a yarmulke Jews. Those standing up to Jew hater Jews. Those I think you got it all wrong, but I respect and love you cause you’re my brother Jews.

We’re those Iron Dome cheering where were you BBC when the missiles were raining down on Tel Aviv Jews. Those if you’re a hater you can just get off my Facebook page Jews. Those we’re sick of your double standards and that UN stands for Useless Nations to me Jews. That will fight it out if you have a problem with me Jews. And we desperately want to just live side by side in peace with you Jews.

We’re those always needing to explain that chosen doesn’t mean better Jews. Those let’s figure it out together Jew. Those there’s never, ever just one answer Jews. Those I don’t know which way to hold a siddur but I just like being in shul with other Jews, Jews. Those psychoanalytical and let me tell you something about you and your mother Jew.

We’re those look how many Nobel Prizes we won Jews. Those OMG OMG did you know that Houdini, Pink, Wonder Woman, Scarlett Johansson, Drake, Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, Jonas Salk (the polio vaccine guy) were Jewish, Jews. Those and did you know that we invented stuff that’s part of your everyday life but you don’t even know it Jews. Those I was born in the USA but my daughter wants to fly jet F-16’s for IDF. Those I don’t know the difference between Bibi and Bamba but I believe in my people to do what is right Jews.

We’re those lox and bagel noshing falafel & hummus eating couscous, schnitzel, latkes & matzah ball soup scarfing Jew. We’re those hey you BDS Israel’s the only liberal democracy in the Middle East Jew. We’re those I became a refugee when my ancestors were kicked out of Arab lands Jew.

We’re those I’m totally not religious but rush home every Thursday night to study Talmud on Zoom Jews. Those taking my tuna on matzah lunch wrapped in tin foil to public school on Passover Jews. Those I may not always eat kosher, but I won’t touch bacon Jews. Those looking for the truth forever wandering Jew. Those I just want my child married under a chuppah and give me Jewish grandchildren Jews. Those I walked out of Auschwitz and was afraid for too long until I stood at the state house and lit the menorah Jews.

We’re those I’ll bet I am more religious that you Jews. And those I’ll bet you are, but I love you anyway Jews. Those with a picture at the wall of a chossid and a soldier in arms at the wall Jews. My son’s an IDF hero Jews. Those you may kill me, but you won’t kill my dream Jews. Those I’ve never been to Israel, but I’ll get there someday because it’s my homeland Jews. Those it’s almost 4000 years and we’re still standing Jews. Those we’re finally here standing at the western wall with a tear in my eye Jews.

We’re those I won’t apologize for surviving Jews. Those fighting to make USC understand that scheduling major programs on YK isn’t cool Jews. Those never ever again Jews. Those I won’t rest until every Jewish child in Columbia has an excellent Jewish education Jews.

We’re a mother of 6 and still wish there were more of us Jews. Those creative Jew. Those dancer Jews. Painter Jews. Those grandchildren of those who suffered so we would just make it Jews. Those but I wish they would have taught me Yiddish Jews.

We’re those everything’s part of Hashem’s plan and I’ll keep looking for the answer Jews. Those we’re going to be okay because Moshiach is coming so hang in there and do another mitzvah Jews. Those I believe human dignity will prevail, and the world is made up of decent people Jews.

So to Shlomie and Schlemazal and to all the other who want to label us I say, we’re not religious, we’re not orthodox, we’re not cultural, spiritual, or secular Jews. We’re not centrist Orthodox or Modern Orthodox, Open Orthodox, Closed Orthodox, or even slightly ajar Orthodox. We are not nondenominational,” “trans denominational,” “post-denominational” we are just authentic, Jews. And we are here today because we’re Jews, no more no less. That’s all, and that’s enough.

"I learned my name is David.”

A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. "Behave, my Bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, Tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, Schein Kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my Ketsaleh, my angel!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my adorable beauty learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is David.”

Big Ben

There is a story of an American who took his son to London to show him the interesting sights of that historic city. During the tour, the father made sure to take him to Parliament and point out the huge clock on top of the building known as "Big Ben." The child strained to get a full view of the clock, and so did the others who came to see it. "Daddy, I would like to ask you something," said the boy. "Why did they put the clock so high and make people strain their necks to look up to it? Couldn't they have made the clock level with the eyes so that everyone could see it easily, without trouble?" The father thought for a moment and replied, "It is this way: If they had placed the clock low, people would adjust Big Ben to the time on their watches. Now that the clock is high, beyond the reach of all, they cannot try to reset it. If they want to have the correct time, they must set their own watches in accordance with the time shown by Big Ben."

What's in a name?

Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her
family name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father
says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find
a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father
tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that
he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg,"
exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real good
Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like
Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."

nightmares

Why is it that most people who have nightmares never end up completely escaping the perpetrator during their dreams? In the nightmare you always think you found a good hiding place, but the gunman suddenly discovers you, he pulls the trigger and ---- right at that very moment you wake up in a frightening sweat.
Why don’t you ever actually have a dream in which you manage to escape from the horror and you are fully safe and secure, forever after?
The answer is of course simple and profound: The perpetrator in your dreams is none other than – you yourself! There is no REAL perpetrator in your dream; it is just a side of yourself which you have been repressing. And you can never run from yourself… because the self always comes with you. Therefore, you can never fully hide from the inner perpetrator exposed in the dream.

I am Amish!"

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twersky is a Chassidic psychiatrist from Pittsburgh, who dresses in "serious Chassidic garb": the long black cote, the long white beard, the round black hat; you know – the full garb! Once on an airplane, he was approached by a very irritated and angry Jew. The Jew began chastising him in Yiddish:
"A shandeh! A bushah! What’s the matter with you? Why do you insist on prancing around in that medieval get-up? Don’t you realize how ridiculous you look. You bring scorn and derision onto all Jews! If you could only dress and behave like everybody else…"
"I fail to understand your verbiage," Dr. Twersky responded in a perfect English accent. "Is there something that is bothering you? Perhaps you're mistaking me for somebody else, but – (say very slowly:) I am Amish!"
"Oy vey! I beg your forgiveness," pleaded the quickly back-pedaling Jew. "I didn’t realize that you were Amish. I thought you were Hassidic. You should know that I only have the utmost respect for you and your people — keeping your ways without bowing to society’s whims of the day."
Now it was Dr. Twersky's turn to respond in Yiddish:
"Aha! Oyb eich volt geven Amish…" If I would have been Amish, then you have nothing but the utmost respect for me; but since I am Jewish, you are ashamed with me. Hopefully one day you will respect in your own people that which you admire in other people."

My Grandfather alav hashalom, was not Jewish either.

The offices of the Jewish Federation called a certain guy for a donation and he answered the phone in a thick British accent and an imperious tone, and he said "Madam, there must be a mistake. My name is Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Third and I'm not Jewish." And with that he hung up.
The next day, his card got put in the wrong pile and he was called again, and he said the same thing. "Young lady, there must be some mistake. My name is Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Third and I am not Jewish." The next day, his card got put in the wrong pile again, and this time he really blew up.
"Madam, there must be some mistake," he said. "My name is Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Third, and I am not Jewish. And my father Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Second is also not Jewish, and my grandfather, Oliver Andrew Hamilton the First, alav hashalom, was not Jewish either."

The Wave

*Metaphor*
A wave is riding along the ocean having a grand time. As it draws near shore
he notices the waves ahead of him crashing against the shore. My G-d, he
breathes, this is terrible. Look what’s going to happen to me. Along comes
another wave and asks, why are you so sad? You don’t understand, says the
first wave, all of us waves are going to be nothing. Isn’t it terrible? No.
You don’t understand, replies the first wave. You are not a wave. You are
part of an ocean.

Story: I'll put on Tefillin BUT NO KIPA!

One of Anash in Johannesburg did his Purim seuda this year with only peoplethat he and his wife knew normally wouldn't have a seuda otherwise. One ofthe guest called up a day before and said their friend wants to bring aJewish friend from their public school and he happily agreed. A day laterthe guest calls to say that the parents of this friend wanted to know ifthey could come to as they are Jewish but never attended anything Jewish atall and since their child was going they would like to come along, and ofcourse the parents are invited too...
At the party he notices that this parent of the friend is standing on theside somewhat lonely and goes over, says L'chaim and while talking theydiscover that their offices are right near each other. "okay, I'll cometomorrow to put on tefillin with you!" The guy, who didn't even know whatTefillin are laughingly agrees, joking that you wont even remember tomorrow.
He shows up in the office the next day and the guy, surprised to see him,welcomes him inside to his office - which is full of buddhist getchkes. Whenhe asks him if they can perhaps go somewhere else the guy says no, notreally and so they agree to do it on the side.
When he pulls out the Yarmulkeh, the guy says "that I won't do, becausealthough I know nothing about Judaism, the one thing I know is that the headcovering is supposed to symbolize belief in G-d, so if you want to put onTefilin with me anyways then fine, but no Yarmulkeh. After debating in hishead whether or not to do it, the orayso of tefilin wins and he says, okwe'll put it on anyways"
"Really, you'll let me put it on anyways?, ok, do you have a yarmulkah forme to wear..." So they start putting on Tefilin, the guy (wearing ayarmulkeh...) repeating word for word, not recognizing the brochos, thelanguage etc.
As they start saying the words Shema Yisroel however, the man starts gettingvery emotional and by the time they reach Echod he's broken down inuncontrollable sobbing... When they finish Shema, he asks to see thetranslation in english of the words he said but when reading them doesntseem to be moved by their content in any significant way.
After they finish taking off the tefilin the man explains.
My parents were German holocaust survivors of the concentration camps. Afterthe war they got married and in their disdain for anything Jewish theyescaped to South Africa and with German names were never identified as Jewsand never associated with anything Jewish. The only thing Jewish of myupbringing was that any time anything Jewish was mentioned or discussed myparents would get very angry and it was something we never discussed orengaged in.
My one memory though, is that as a child I remember my mother waking upnight after night, shrieking in horror through the nightmares that wouldrevive the horrible memories of her experiences. Through all the screamingthe only thing I would hear besides for her sobbing was her screaming aloudthe words "Shema Yisroel Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echod...."
(...The koach of Shema Yisroel to pierce through the rishus of the nazis,the assimilation of the diaspora and the eternal struggle of the neshomo...)

A Jew for a Quater - Story

Several years ago, a rabbi from out-of-state accepted a call to a community inHouston , Texas . Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.

As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, 'You'd better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it'. Then he thought, 'Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a 'gift from G-d' and keep quiet'.

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, and then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, 'Here, you gave me too much change'. The driver, with a smile, replied, 'Aren't you the new rabbi in town?' 'Yes' he replied. 'Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change. I'll see you in Shul on Shabbos'.

When the rabbi stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, held on, and said, 'Oh Rebonoh Shel Olam (creator of the world), I almost sold a Yid for a quarter.'

Our lives are the only thing some people will ever read. This is a really scary example of how much people watch us as JEWS, and will put us to the test! Always be on guard -- and remember -- You carry the name of Hashem on your shoulders when you call yourself a 'JEW'.

chasidic garb

There once was a Chasid who lived in Russia in a major city outside the Pale of Settlement. As he had a business for which the government had a need for, he was allowed to live in an area that was restricted to most Jews.

At home, although the Chosid had a beard and covered his head, his clothing was that of the regular person, i.e. short coat, regular hat etc. The Chosid would travel to his Rebbe a few times a year, and when he was by his Rebbe he would wear Chasidic garb, i.e. long coat, chasidic hat etc.

One time the Chosid thought to himself that this was hypocritical. >Am I trying to fool the Rebbe=, he thought. >I should dress by the Rebbe the same way I dress a whole year round.= And the next time he came to the Rebbe, he didn=t change his clothes and wore the clothes that he wore year round at home.

At the end of his visit, the Chosid had a private audience with the Rebbe. At the end of his audience, the Rebbe turned to the Chosid and expressed his disappointment in the Chosid=s garb. The Rebbe said, that he understands full well that the Chosid does not wear Chasidic garb when he is back home in the big city, and it is only when he come to the Rebbe that he puts on Chasidic garb. >But I always thought that the people back home were being fooled by your clothing. Now I see that it is I who was being fooled.=

Today is Yom Kippur. On Yom Kippur many of us act differently than we do all year round. Maybe we do things during the year and on Shabbos and Festivals, that we are more careful with and restrict ourselves from on Yom Kippur. So then who is the real person? The year round person or the Yom Kippur person. Are we fooling ourselves on Yom Kippur, or is the Yom Kippur person the real person and we disguise ourselves year round.

Jewish identity

Recently, at a Chabad center somewhere in the United States, a Russian
immigrant family celebrated the Bas Mitzvah of their daughter. Their family had not
marked a Bar or Bas Mitzvah in over 100 years, as doing so in Russia was impossible.
Before the party began, an American-born Jew approached the Chabad rabbi
and asked: "I don't understand—how did Jews from the Former Soviet Union
succeed in maintaining their Jewish identity? It's one thing to be a Jew in America,
where a Jewish boy typically gets a bris, and then goes to Hebrew school, and then,
when he celebrates his Bar Mitzvah, he feels like a complete Jew. But in Russia there
were no circumcisions as it was against the law—doing a bris could get you a few
years in Siberia. And who even dreamed of Hebrew school or Bar Mitzvahs? How
did they succeed in standing strong? What gave them the strength to protect their
Jewish identities?"
The shliach answered him: The first time a Jewish boy in Russia got beaten up in
school because he was Jewish, and was called "Zhid" despite not being sure
whether he really was a Jew in the first place since his parents hid the fact from
him—this beating was his bris. The second beating was his "Siddur Party," the small
celebration typically held in kindergarten or First Grade when little Jewish kids
receive their first prayer book. And the third time was his Bar Mitzvah—after all all
that, he is confirmed as a complete Jew.
In Russia, the shliach continued, it was not hard at all to remember that you're
Jewish. The non-Jews would take pains to remind you at every opportunity and any
chance.
In the United States, however, we are liable to quickly forget our true identity:
who we are, where we come from, and where we're headed. In America must we
seek means to ensure that the fact that we are Jews is remembered well, and that
above all, that our children remember it well.