With or without bones?

 Gary goes to Jacobs Butchers for some pickled brisket. As Jacob is wrapping his order, Gary says to him, "So, Jacob, you can congratulate me. My daughter has just given birth to a beautiful nine pound baby boy."

Jacob nods his approval in an absent minded kind of way and says, "Nine

pounds, eh? With or without bones?

Quote: Jewish Mothers

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The
original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin

Gourmet food -Joke

Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop. 
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?" 
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox." 
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon." 
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then." 
"Anything else?" 
"Yes, a dozen blintzes." 
"No. No. You mean crepes." 
"Okay, a dozen crepes." 
"Anything else?" 
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver." 
"No. No. You mean pate." 
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday." 
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!" 

Gossip- The Two-Way Mouth

The Two-Way Mouth As told by Yanki Tauber

One day, Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov instructed several of his disciples to embark on a journey. The Baal Shem Tov did not tell them where to go, nor did they ask; they allowed divine providence to direct their wagon where it may, confident that the destination and purpose of their trip would be revealed in due time. After traveling for several hours, they stopped at a wayside inn to eat and rest. Now the Baal Shem Tov’s disciples were pious Jews who insisted on the highest standards of kashrut; when they learned that their host planned to serve them meat in their meal, they asked to see the shochet1 of the house, interrogated him as to his knowledge and piety and examined his knife for any possible blemishes. Their discussion of the kashrut standard of the food continued throughout the meal, as they inquired after the source of every ingredient in each dish set before them. As they spoke and ate, a voice emerged from behind the oven, where an old beggar was resting amidst his bundles. “Dear Jews,” it called out, “are you as careful with what comes out of your mouth as you are with what enters into it?” The party of chassidim concluded their meal in silence, climbed onto their wagon and turned it back toward Mezhibuzh. They now understood the purpose for which their master had dispatched them on their journey that morning.

"I eat pork on Shabbat."

There is a rabbi in Israel, Yechezkel Sofer, who taught a Talmud class for

professors at Hebrew University. One particular professor, for years,

refused to come. One day the rabbi meets the professor and says to him,

"Why don't you join the class? Your colleagues come; it's in your building

right down the hall."

The professor responds, "Oh no, I don't belong in the class. We have nothing

in common."

The rabbi says, "What do you mean we have nothing in common?"

"You don't understand", says the professor, "I eat pork on Shabbat."

The rabbi says, "Only on Shabbat, not during the weekday?"

The professor says, "Specifically, spitefully on Shabbat!"

"Ah, in that case" says the rabbi, "You should come to the class.

 We do have something in common."

The professor asks, "What do you mean?"

The rabbi says, "I celebrate Shabbat and you celebrate Shabbat. I do it in a

traditional way. Your way is not so traditional."

After the conversation the Professor began attending the Talmud class.

He had re-discovered something about his Jewish identity.

This professor had survived the Holocaust as a young boy and saw Jewish life

in Europe destroyed. When he arrived in Israel, he threw his Judaism away.

He was angry with G-d and wanted to get back at Him. So he ate pork on

Shabbat. Why specifically on Shabbat? He wanted to punish G-d in the most

hurtful way. He figured that eating pork on Tuesday is one thing, but doing

it on Shabbat was really bad -because Shabbat is a holy day.

Upon reflection, the professor realized that his rebellious act showed that

he too believed in Torah and Judaism and that Shabbat was still a holy day

for him. That is why he ate pork on Shabbat. Not because Shabbat is an

ordinary day but because it's the holy day.

Im Meshugah - Joke

Jacob Was a tad Meshugener and went to a mental hospital... he demanded kosher food... hospital went through great ordeal to give it....

Several weeks later, on a Saturday, the director noticed Greenberg deeply absorbed in a high stakes poker game, smoking a big, fat cigar, eating Lobster.

"Excuse me, Mr. Greenberg," the director said, someone testily. "but I thought you were such a religious man that we had to prepare only kosher food for you, and how I see you smoking and gambling on your Sabbath, eating non-kosher? How do you account for this?" "You forget, doc… I'm mishugah!"

kosher - joke

G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
G-d: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
G-d: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in it's mother's milk!!!
Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside...
G-d: Moses, do whatever you want....

Gold Teeth - joke

Gold Teeth

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.
He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So Moisha explained: "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

Angry Rabbi - Joke

Angry Rabbi

Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."
"Why," asked the Rabbi.
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."
"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."
"The food wasn't kosher."
"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.
"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."
"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"
"What, on Yom Kippur?"