Joke - Trapped in the Library

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

joke: meaning of life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house
and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span
of twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll
give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks,
and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to
perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:”You must go into the field with the
farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer’s family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How
about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy
your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty
the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that
makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years
we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we
sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Treasure under bridge.

A man was once digging under a bridge and was stopped by a guard. When asked to explain his bizarre digging he explained that he had dreamt of a treasure hidden under this bridge. The guard laughed and said do you always travel long distances when you have a dream? Why, if I were a fool like you, I would have traveled this morning to the following village because I dreamt of a treasure under the floorboards of the following home.

The man quickly realized that the guard was describing his own home and understood that the treasure he was meant to find under the bridge were the directions to his treasure back home. Indeed he returned home, dug up his floorboards and found the treasure.

Joke - the Boy who didnt speak

There was a boy who hadn't said a word for fifteen years and his parents thought him incapable of speech until one night at dinner when he threw his spoon down in disgust and declared, "Ach! The soup is terrible!" His mother jumped with joy and exclaimed, "Sam, you spoke!!

But, how come you didn't say anything till now?"

To which he blithely answers, "Till now the soup was good!"

Waiter - is anything ok?

A waiter approaches a group of elderly diners, "is anything ok?" he asks.

Give me, Give Me

A member of our community has lots of challenges in his personal andbusiness life. On the top his list of Tzoris is that he is a teenagedaughter (Sheva) who is mentally challenged. She is a functioning girl andcan communicate but challenged none the less.
The family recently went on vacation to Israel for a few weeks. On the lastday of the trip they went back to the Kosel for a last visit. The father(Abba) told the family that this is their last visit to the Kosel for thistrip and so they should go and put a note in the wall for the last time.Abba told me that he put a note in the wall with a long list of all hisrequests to Hashem. Give me this, send me that, help me with this, fix that,etc.
When they came out and the family gathered he asked his daughter Sheva whatshe asked for and she said: "Ask? I didn't ask for anything I wrote toHashem: Thank you for this, and this, and this, etc."
He told me this was the most humbling moment of his life. Here he was at thewall and all he could think of was to ask and ask. And his daughter who isthe one with the actual challenges all she thinks of is to say thank you forwhat she has.

Jewish Talking Dog

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, 'My dog has a problem.' Dr. Saul says, 'So, tell me about the dog and the problem.' 'It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,' says Morty. 'He can talk?' the doubting doctor asks. 'Watch this!' Morty points to the dog and commands: 'Irving, Fetch!' Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, 'So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!' Dr. Saul is amazed, 'This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?' Morty says, 'He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch.'

before it starts - Joke

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

walking through a sweltering hot desert - Joke

A Frenchman, an Irishman and a Jew are walking through a sweltering hot desert. The Frenchman says ‘I’m so tired, I’m so thirsty- I must have a glass of wine.’ The Irishman says, ‘I’m so tired, I’m so thirsty- I must have a glass of beer’. The Jew says, ‘I’m so tired, I’m so thirsty – I must have diabetes!