No Eggs are not rare but rothchilds are!

  A Jew stopped in a Gernman town... went into a diner...Eggs and Salad $1000? Eggs must be very rare in this village... No Eggs are not rare but rothchilds are!

Joke: yankel is a billionaire

Harry called up his old friend Berny . Can we meet Saturday morning?
 I’m busy, Berny says. What are you up to? I go to shul now Saturday mornings!
 Really? You? You go to shul? Asks Harry.  You are an atheist! And you are on a diet, so you can’t even enjoy the Kiddish? I will tell you, says Berny. You remember our friend Yankel Miller? Rumor has it that he started to go to shul on Shabbos morning, and he became a billionaire. So I also started to go to shul on Saturday mornings. Really Berny? And what do you do in shul? You talk to G-d? You don’t even believe He exists? No, says Berny. Never! That’s what Yankel does in shul. He talks to G-d. I go to shul to talk to Yankel!

Joke: Where's my Rolex

A Rich kid  opens the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the rick kid was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined. 
       
      "You people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" Oh my gaaad...", replied the kid, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, 
       
      "Where's my Rolex!!!!!"

Choose between wealth, honor and wisdom.

A joke is told of a genie that appeared at a meeting of the faculty at a
prestigious university. She approached the president and told him that due
to his scholarship, diligence and devotion he was entitled to one of three
blessings. He must choose between wealth, honor and wisdom. Without
hesitation the president chose wisdom and the genie granted his wish and
disappeared.

Awed by the moment the faculty waited silently for the first pearls of
wisdom to flow from the president?s mouth. Awash in a halo of light, the
president quietly murmured, ?I should have taken the money

Story: The Tip

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy
entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of
water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae, he asked" "Fifty
cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his
pocket and studied the number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain
ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the
waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The
little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he
said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked
away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When
the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed
hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two
nickels and five pennies - her tip.

Joke: choose between wealth, honor and wisdom

A joke is told of a genie that appeared at a meeting of the faculty at a
prestigious university. She approached the president and told him that due
to his scholarship, diligence and devotion he was entitled to one of three
blessings. He must choose between wealth, honor and wisdom. Without
hesitation the president chose wisdom and the genie granted his wish and
disappeared.

Awed by the moment the faculty waited silently for the first pearls of
wisdom to flow from the president?s mouth. Awash in a halo of light, the
president quietly murmured, ?I should have taken the money.?

Parable - Throwing 17,000 shekels off the roof

. Lesson from the Economic Crisis

“From a narrow place I call out to you, oh G-d; answer me from an expansive place.” – The first of seven verses resided before the blowing of the shofar.

We are experiencing an economic crisis. Some of us have endured difficult times. We all hope and pray that this year brings all of us much success and abundant prosperity. Yet we ought not to allow the financial challenges of these past years to slip away without teaching us one important lesson about life.

I will illustrate it with a story:

About ten years ago a rich Israeli businessman who we will call Jerry was on the top of the world. He was a multi-millionaire, toured the globe enjoying the best hotels, restaurants, cars and anything that money could buy. He was a self-made-man who loved his creator (i.e. himself). He was arrogant, cold, tough, and boatful. But a number of years ago, like many others, he made some big investment mistakes, and began to lose his fortune. In just months every penny he had saved and slaved for was gone and he was a pauper. And after he liquidated all his assets and even sold his house to pay his debts he still owed 17,000 shekels to the Israeli Revenue Service.

He asked an old friend for a loan. He went up to his friend’s office at the 49th floor of the Azrieli center in Tel Aviv.  His friend gave him 17,000 shekel and the man left the office.

With nothing better to do he decided to walk around and have a look. After a few minutes of strolling he noticed a set of stairs leading up to a large metal door, which he ascended and opened the door. A cold autumn wind blew into his face. It was the door leading to the roof, 'why not', he thought to himself as he went out.

Ah it was beautiful! From here he could see far into the distance; the Judean hills in one direction, the wide, vast Mediterranean sea on the other. He just stood there, thinking and trying to enjoy the weather when suddenly a loud thud behind him broke his thoughts; a quick glance revealed that the wind slammed the door shut. He decided it was time to go back.

He went to the door and tried to open it but it seemed to be locked. He tried peering from all sorts of angles to figure out the latch but he couldn't. So he began to pound on the door and when that didn't work, to kick at it. For sure someone would hear.

But no one did. The wind was getting stronger and colder now and he wasn't really dressed for this. He looked around for some object to hit the door with, to attract attention and get out but there was none. He still had a good hour before dark; people were probably still in their offices so he pounded, kicked and yelled but there was no response.

When he took out his black berry he discovered that the battery was dead. Totally dead! Of all times for this to happen!

But he didn't lose his composure. He had to work fast. He went to the edge of the building, peered over the small protective fence and began waiving his arms and yelling to the people far below which, after just five minutes, he realized was totally futile. There was no way that anyone would notice him from 49 floors below. But he had to remain calm. It was his only chance. Soon it would be dark and really cold. And there was nowhere to get protection from the wind, which was getting colder by the minute.

Suddenly he had an idea. The money! He had 17,000 shekels in his pocket. For sure if he threw a 200 shekel note down people would look up to see where it was coming from… and see him.

He pulled out a stack of bills, removed one, looked over the fence and threw it. He watched as it floated crazily in the wind and finally, after several minutes, landed on the other side of the street, someone stopped, bent down, picked it up and continued walking.

This time he took out five bills, 1,000 altogether and let them drop… but it was the same thing. No one noticed them until they hit the ground, then they picked them up, looked around for more and kept going.

He knew what he had to do! It was his only chance! He took all the money from his pocket, tore the band that held it neatly in a pack and with a yell, threw it below as hard as he could. With his last optimism he gazed as it scattered far below him. He removed his shirt and began waving it frantically for someone to notice. But he couldn't believe his eyes; not only did no one look up or hear his cries for help; they were all arguing down there about who saw which bill first!

He looked around on the roof, the sun was setting, it was still light enough to see, but he saw nothing……. only the sky.

His eyes filled with tears, suddenly he felt small, he needed help; he was sure that G-d would help him. The sky said so. A second ago he didn't even believe there was such a thing but now it was obvious… he wasn't alone. He yelled out, "HaShem! HaShem! (G-d)…. help! Help me!"

Suddenly his eye caught a medium sized sack of small pebbles. Why didn't he see it before? But there it was! He dragged it to the fence, took a handful, said a prayer, threw it over the side and began waving his arms and looking down again.

Sure enough, this time it worked! People began cursing; looking up pointing and screaming at him. Probably all of them called the police because in just moments the door burst open, police with guns drawn stormed through, put handcuffs on him and took him to the station. He was saved!

It took some serious explaining. He was lucky that no one was really hurt from his pebbles and, of course, he lost the 17,000 shekel and still owed the taxes. But after a few days they accepted his story and let him out.

At that moment he discovered a deep lesson: the people on the street, were just like him. All the time money was raining down the people never looked up… they looked only down, for more money. But as soon as they started feeling the pebbles hurting them they looked up to see where they were coming from.

How true of life. When we have everything we need, we sometimes take it for granted and we never look up. We can become insensitive to the plight of others; we feel we don’t need anybody. We are on top of the world. Only when we feel the “pebbles” falling on us, does it make us look up… look up beyond ourselves… see that there is something that transcends our egos, there is a higher source, to whom we are responsible.

This is the meaning of the above verse: We tend to call out to G-d “min hamatzar,” from a narrow place. Yet we ask of Him to answer us with expansiveness, with prosperity. Once we have learnt the lesson, let us all be blessed with tremendous wealth, so we can utilize the Divine gift to help people.

make money from another

As soon as Rabbi Levy entered his office, there was Arnold waiting for him.
"I need your advice, Rabbi," says Arnold.
"OK Arnold, how can I help, what’s bothering you?" asks Rabbi Levy
"Rabbi," asks Arnold, "is it right for one man to make money from another
man's errors?"
"No Arnold, it certainly isn’t," replies Rabbi Levy.
"Are you absolutely sure about that?" asks Arnold.
"About that, Arnold, I’m absolutely positive," replies Rabbi Levy.
"I’m so pleased to hear you say this, Rabbi," says Arnold, "so could you
please return the £300 I gave you to marry me to my wife Sadie?"

Truck Crash and the Boss - Joke

Bernie is talking a walk in Brooklyn one cold morning when he hears an
almighty crash behind him. He turns around and sees a "Brooklyn's Best
Kosher Wines" truck lying on its side, with broken bottles all around it and
wine running into the gutter. The driver doesn't seem to be injured, but is
nevertheless weeping openly. A crowd quickly gathers.
"What's the matter?" Bernie asks the driver, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm not hurt," replies the driver, "but my boss, Mr. Epstein, is going
to blame me for the loss of his wine and deduct it from my pay check."
On hearing this, a man suddenly steps forward and says to the crowd, "Oy
vay, did you hear what this poor hard working Jewish guy just said? He's
going to lose a lot of money because of this accident. We can't let this
happen. We have to help him."
At that, he takes off his hat, puts it on the ground next to the driver and
places a $20 bill in it. "Nu? What are you all waiting for?" he says to the
crowd. "Help this man out. It will be a mitzvah."
In no time, the hat is overflowing with money. The man then picks up the hat
and money, gives it to the driver and smiling, says, "Here, this will help
you. Go back to your office and give this to your boss." As the man walks
away, Bernie says to the driver, "Wow! I must tell The Jewish Newspapers
about this. What a mensh that man is - have you ever seen him before?"
"Of course," replies the driver. "That's my boss Mr. Epstein."

The Slow Dentist - Joke

Jonathan has a terrible toothache and goes to see Arnold, his dentist. After looking at the tooth, Arnold says, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the tooth is badly decayed and can't be saved. It will have to come out." "Oy vay," says Jonathan, "how much is it going to cost me?" "For you, "replies Arnold, "only $125." "That's rather a high charge just for maybe 5 minutes work," says Jonathan. "Well," replies Arnold, "if that's how you calculate the cost of high quality dental work, I can always extract it much slower for you."

Oy Money

Oy Money
Money -----It can buy a house But not a home

It can buy a bedBut not rest
It can buy a clock But not time
It can buy a book But not wisdom
It can buy a position But not respect
It can buy medicine But not health
It can buy blood But not life
It can buy friendly relations But not love
It can buy a bodyBut not a soul
It can buy everything in the worldBut not truth

A young and very successful executive named Josh was traveling down a Chicago neighborhood street. He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old.
He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and - WHUMP! - it smashed Into the Jag's shiny black side door! SCREECH!! Brakes slammed! Gears ground into reverse, and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown. Josh jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car. He shouted at the kid, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?!" Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That's my new Jag, that brick you threw is going to cost you a lot of money. Why did you throw it?"
"Please, mister, please... I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do!" Pleaded the youngster.
“What do you mean? You wild crazy boy,” screamed the executive. “You didn’t know what else to do than through a brick on my Jag?? You will pay dearly for this.
"I threw the brick because no one else would stop!" said the boy. Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car. "It's my brother, mister," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's badly hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. Straining, he lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be OK. He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long walk back to the sleek, black, shining, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE -- a long and slow walk. Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention… Because some bricks are softer than others.
How true. Often we get so caught up in our rat race that we can’t pay heed in a real way to anything really important. A child is begging us to stop and listen – and this may be our own child – but we are so busy.

Don't Loose your head

A yungerman came running to the Reb Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev all frantic.
His father in law had given him a large some of money for a business
transaction and he had lost it. And he was so upset he was crying and
screaming. The Berditchive said look I promise u that u will find it. But
first sit down have a hot drink and a piece of cake. In the middle of eating
the yungerman jumped up and ran out. A while later he came back carrying the
sack of money. Thew yungerman asked how did u know I would find it? It was
by my shtender. The Berditchive answere it wasn’t a mofes. I saw when u came
to see me that not only had u lost your money u had also lost your head. The
first thing u needed to do was to compose yourself and get your head back
and then I was sure u would remember were u had left the money

3 Rabbis on a Train - Joke

Three rabbis were traveling to a conference accompanied by the presidents of
their respective Synagogues. The presidents were surprised when the rabbis
walked away from the ticket counter with only one ticket between them. A
smile spread across their faces when they watched the rabbis pack into a
bathroom. When the conductor knocked on the door they simply passed their
single ticket under the door. The presidents congratulated the rabbis on
their ingenious method of cutting down on travel expenses and saving the
Synagogue some money.

At the next station the presidents decided to be as frugal as the rabbis and
purchased a single ticket for the three of them. They were surprised when
they noticed that the rabbis did not even purchase a single ticket. The
presidents crammed into one of the bathrooms on the train and when they
heard a knock they dutifully slipped their ticket under the door.

The rabbis promptly took it and walked into the other bathroom…

The Fisherman

They tell a story of a man who docked his fishing boat at eight in the
morning with the hold half empty. Why did you come in so early, asked a
bystander.
Because I have caught enough to sustain me for the day, replied the
fisherman.
How will you spend the rest of the day?
I will smoke my pipe, relax with my family and enjoy some quiet time.
Why don’t you stay out a little longer and make a little more money?
What would I do with more money?
You could buy another boat, hire someone to run it and make even more money.

And what would I do with that money?
I suppose you could buy more boats and have a fleet; this way you could make
real money.
And what would I do with real money?
Well you could diversify into other lucrative opportunities and really
strike it rich.
And what would I do if I were rich?
I suppose if you really wanted to you could retire early.
And what would I do with an early retirement?
Well, replied the stranger, somewhat flummoxed, you would do whatever you
wanted to do. You could do a little fishing, you could smoke a cigar, enjoy
your family and maybe have some quiet time…..
That, the fisherman replied pointedly, Is what I do already. . .

Smaller Piece - Joke

One evening Simon Feldman takes his friend John McConnell to dinner. As soon
as the waiter brings out the stakes Simon grabs the larger of the two for
himself, upsetting his friend John. If you had the chance to pick first,
asked Simon, which one would you have picked? The smaller one of course,
replied John. So what are you so upset about? That’s what you got!