make sure to send him a bill for your medical advice

 David Goldberg, a seasoned doctor, turns to Harry Rabinowitz, the man seated next to him in the synagogue, and says, "Harry, you're an intelligent lawyer, I need your help."

The doctor begins his lament. "Every Shabbos," he says, "during the entire time of the service, people approach me seeking medical advice. This one has 38 stomach pains, this one's wife woke up with a headache, this guy's mother law's back hurts. I am just sick and tired of this. Shabbos is my only day of rest."

"Listen to me," says Harry. "Next guy that comes over, give him the advice heneeds, but make sure to send him a bill for your medical advice the following week. I guarantee you," says Harry, "that in no time you will have peace and quiet in the synagogue."

"Great idea!" exclaims the doctor. He returns home in a great mood.

Tuesday, as David is opening the mail, he finds a bill from his friend Harry Rabinowitz.

Joke: Fishing in a Garden

You know the anecdote:

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was

astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red

roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is

fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to

the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner

bar. He ordered a large glass of Beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell

me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied,

"You are the sixth today, sir!"

Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest were gambling

A Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest were gambling one night when the police raided the club. The
officer approaches the table in surprise and said, Father O’Reilly, were you gambling? The priest
closes his eyes and offers a quick prayer. “Dear G-d, I know lying is a mortal sin, but please
tolerate it this one time.” He opens his eyes and clearly replies, No Office, I was not gambling.
The officer turns to the minister and says, Minister O’Neal, were you gambling? The minister
murmurs a quiet prayer for forgiveness and replies firmly, “No Office, I was not.”
The officer now turns to the Rabbi and demands, well then Rabbi, was it you that was gambling?
The rabbi smiles sweetly and replies, “But Office, with whom?”

Joke: Lower His Losses

Mark Ginsberg never pays his bills, especially not during this time of recession. Recently his friend saw him bargaining with a supplier.

"Hey, Ginsberg," Goldberg asks him, why are you knocking that man's prices down ? You're never going to pay him anyway.

Listen, answers Ginsberg, he is a nice chap. I just want to keep down his losses!

Business versus pleasure

Issy owned a small deli in Hendon. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his
door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Issy had reported a net
profit of £50,000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it.
"It’s like this," said Issy. "I work like a maniac all year round and all of
my family help me out whenever they can. My deli is closed only five times a
year. That’s how I made £50,000."
"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business
travel deductions of £80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return
that you and your wife made fifteen business trips to Israel."
"Oh," said Issy, smiling. "I forgot to tell you that we also deliver."

Post Dated Check - Joke

A Man lost control of his vehicle and plowed into a pasture killing a two
month old calf. Mortified the man jumped out of his car and offered to pay
the farmer for his cow. Well, said the farmer, today the calf is worth
five-hundred dollars but in two years time it will be worth nine-hundred
dollars. You owe me nine hundred, concluded the farmer. The driver obliged
him and wrote out a check for nine hundred dollars. With a flourish he post
dated it for two years.

THE DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH

THE DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

Im Meshugah - Joke

Jacob Was a tad Meshugener and went to a mental hospital... he demanded kosher food... hospital went through great ordeal to give it....

Several weeks later, on a Saturday, the director noticed Greenberg deeply absorbed in a high stakes poker game, smoking a big, fat cigar, eating Lobster.

"Excuse me, Mr. Greenberg," the director said, someone testily. "but I thought you were such a religious man that we had to prepare only kosher food for you, and how I see you smoking and gambling on your Sabbath, eating non-kosher? How do you account for this?" "You forget, doc… I'm mishugah!"

When Jews Dont get it.... Joke

When Jews dont get it....

Rich Jew gives starving man a smelly peice of rotten fish.

Poor Jew gets sick and dies after eating it. Rich Jew becomes over Joyed...

...To which the wealthy miser replied: "How could I not be overjoyed when I think of how many tremendous mitzvos I performed with merely one small stinky piece of fish!

"Think about it. With one decayed slice of fish, I achieved four of the most extraordinary mitzvos: hospitality to the poor, visiting the sick, escorting the dead and comforting the mourning. Ah! How happy I feel."

KGB chop firewood - Joke

Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s.

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel!
Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Smart Be-hind - joke

Ukrainian train

A Ukrainian merchant and a Jew happen to travel in the same compartment of a train.
And, as always in cases like this, the Ukrainian anti-Semite is only happy to show his spite to everything Jewish, so this is how their discussion goes:

Merchant: "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three sorts of newspapers when traveling: one Ukrainian which I read, the other Russian which I use to wrap my breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to wipe myself when I use a toilet."

Jew: "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that this way, your behind is apt to become more clever than your head?"

The 6am shnorer - Joke

A shnorer (a professional Jewish fund-raiser) rings the bell of a banker's home at 6 a.m., claiming it is an emergency. The banker hurries to the door to find the shnorer asking for a donation.

"How dare you wake me up at this time!" yelled the banker.

The shnorer responds: "Mr. Banker, listen to me. I don't tell you when to begin working in the morning, so please don't tell me when I am to begin working in the morning."