Career mapping

Abe and his young son Sam are in shul one shabbes morning when Sam says,
"When I grow up, dad, I want to be a Rabbi."
"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to shul on shabbes anyway, I figure it
will be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen."

"You put him to sleep. YOU wake him up!"

The new rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the
shammes to come over. The rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is
asleep. Wake him up."
The shammes replied, "You put him to sleep. YOU wake him up!"

The sermon

One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will
be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would
like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."
The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his
congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?"
Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

3 eggs and $2000 - joke

Rabbi and his wife

Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house.
The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize.
His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him.
He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him.
She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."

artificial insermonation - Joke

Special sermons

In a large Florida city, the Rabbi developed quite a reputation for impressive sermons, so much so, that everyone who was Jewish in the community came every Shabbat.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah, but he didn't want to miss the Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbat goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to Shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in Shul taping the Rabbi.
The Rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbat he, too, hired a Shabbat goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines...
... Marking the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.