Joke - The dream

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Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?" 
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

The trouble with phobias

Simon has a problem. In fact he’s had a problem for so long that it’s
beginning to worry him to death. Finally, he decides he has to do something
about it and goes to see Dr Bloom, his local psychiatrist.
"Oy, doctor, have I got a problem," says Simon. "Every night, when I get
into my bed, I think there's a crazy person under it ready to do me some
serious harm. I'm goingmeshugga with fear. Please help me."
"Don’t worry, Simon," says Dr Bloom, "I can cure you of your fears, but it
will not happen overnight."
"So how long will it take, doctor?" asks Simon.
"Well," replies Dr Bloom, thinking, "come to me twice a week for 3 months
and I’ll rid you of your phobia."
"And how much do you charge a session, doctor?" asks Simon.
“My charges are £100 per session," replies Dr Bloom.
"But that will cost me £2,600 in total," says Simon. "I’m going to have to
think about it and let you know. I can’t easily afford that kind of money."
Many months later, Simon meets Dr Bloom in Waitrose supermarket. "So why
didn't you decide to let me cure you of your fears?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Well," replies Simon, "As I told you then, your fees were really too high
for me. And then my rabbi gave me the cure for nothing. I was so happy to
have saved all that money that I went on a week’s holiday to Tel Aviv."
"So how, may I ask, did your rabbi cure you?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Easy," replies Simon, "he told me to cut the legs off my bed. It’s now so
low that nobody can possible get under it."

Joke- I feel very suicidal. What should I do?

Abe is in a terrible state and goes to see Dr Myers, his psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I need your help in a big way. I feel very suicidal. What should I do?"
Doctor Myers replies, "You must pay me in advance."