"He has a rich father"

A shnorrer was soliciting a handout from Baron Rothschild. Displeased with the amount he'd been given, the shnorrer complained, "Your son gave me twice as much" ● "Well, my son can afford to," said Baron Rothschild.  "He has a rich father"

First, let's make sure he's dead

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ 

the dumbest kid in the world

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Gossip- The Two-Way Mouth

The Two-Way Mouth As told by Yanki Tauber

One day, Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov instructed several of his disciples to embark on a journey. The Baal Shem Tov did not tell them where to go, nor did they ask; they allowed divine providence to direct their wagon where it may, confident that the destination and purpose of their trip would be revealed in due time. After traveling for several hours, they stopped at a wayside inn to eat and rest. Now the Baal Shem Tov’s disciples were pious Jews who insisted on the highest standards of kashrut; when they learned that their host planned to serve them meat in their meal, they asked to see the shochet1 of the house, interrogated him as to his knowledge and piety and examined his knife for any possible blemishes. Their discussion of the kashrut standard of the food continued throughout the meal, as they inquired after the source of every ingredient in each dish set before them. As they spoke and ate, a voice emerged from behind the oven, where an old beggar was resting amidst his bundles. “Dear Jews,” it called out, “are you as careful with what comes out of your mouth as you are with what enters into it?” The party of chassidim concluded their meal in silence, climbed onto their wagon and turned it back toward Mezhibuzh. They now understood the purpose for which their master had dispatched them on their journey that morning.

Simple Prayers - Baal Shem Tov

The Rebbe Rashab based this interpretation on a story he heard from the Baal Shem Tov when he visited his holy resting place at Mezhibuzh. At that time the Baal Shem Tov related that on his 16th birthday (18 Elul, 5474/1714) he had found himself in a small village. The local innkeeper was a very simple person who hardly knew how to read the prayers, let alone understand what they meant. He was, however, a very G‑d-fearing individual. On all matters and at all times he would quote the same phrase in the Holy Tongue, “Blessed be He; may He be blessed forever.” His wife too would always say in Yiddish, “Praised be His holy Name.”

That day, in accordance with the age-old custom of meditating in solitude for some time on one’s birthday, the Baal Shem Tov went off by himself to the fields. He recited chapters of Tehillim and engaged in unifying the Divine Names that emanate from its holy verses.

“As I was immersed in this,” the Baal Shem Tov related, “and unaware of my surroundings, I suddenly saw Elijah the Prophet. There was a smile on his lips. I was taken aback. For when I had been with the tzaddik R. Meir, and also when I had been in the company of the hidden tzaddikim, I had merited to see Elijah, but this was the first time that I had merited his appearance while all alone. I wondered about it. And besides, why was he smiling?

“Elijah said to me: ‘You are toiling so mightily to have the proper mystical intentions in bringing about the Supernal Unions of the Divine Names that emanate from the verses of Tehillim. And Aharon Shlomo the innkeeper and his wife Zlata Rivkah know nothing of the Unifications that result from his “Blessed be He; may He be blessed forever,” and from her “Praised be His holy Name.” Yet the Divine harmonies they create resonate in all the heavens more than all the Unifications of the Holy Name that are effected by the mystical intentions of the greatest tzaddikim.’

“Elijah described to me,” continued the Baal Shem Tov, “the great pleasure, as it were, that results in heaven from the words of praise and adoration uttered by men, women and children. Especially so, when they come from the mouths of simple folk. And most especially, when these praises are offered consistently, for then these people are constantly united with G‑d in pure faith and with an undivided heart.”

* * *

Having recounted this episode, the Rebbe Rashab added that it served as the basis for his additional interpretation of “breath untainted by sin” — that it applies not only to children but also to adults who act with pure faith and heartfelt simplicity, and who are thereby constantly united with G‑d, at all times and in all places.

JOKE - 10 dollars for the cheesecake, and 60 dollars for Israel

*A Jew walks into the bakery and orders a bagel. The man behind the counter
says: "A bagel? That's 20 dollars." "20 dollars?! Are you mad!?" "Well, its
1 dollar for the bagel, and 19 dollars for Israel." "Fine. Money for Israel?
How can I say no?"*

*  *

*The next day the same guy comes in to the bakery, and orders a challah. The
man behind the counter says: "Challah? That's 40 dollars." "Are you
insane?!" "Sir, its 5 dollars for the challah and 35 dollars for Israel."
The man shrugs his shoulders but he pays the money.*

*  *

*The third day, he comes in and orders a cheesecake. "Cheesecake? 70
dollars." "What?! This is absolutely crazy." "Sir, 10 dollars for the
cheesecake, and 60 dollars for Israel." At this point he had had enough.
"You are completely mad! This is absolutely absurd and unethical."*

*  *

*"Sorry sir, I am just following the rules." "I demand to speak to the owner
of the store!"*

*  *

*So the clerk goes to the door and calls out: "Hey Israel! Someone wants to
talk to you!"*

A Story - FRANZ JOSEPH AND ANSHEL'S SECRET ROOM
There is a story told of the great Anshel Rotchild.
Everyone has heard of the famous, wealthy, banking family, the Rothschilds. The "founding father" of the Rothschild clan, which exists to this day, was Anshel Rothschild, an Orthodox Jew who lived in the middle of the nineteenth century in Austria. Anshel amassed a huge fortune and established a close relationship with the Emperor of Austria, Franz Joseph.

From time to time the Emperor would send visitors to the luxurious and famous palace of Anshel Rothschild. It was the most lavish,luxurious and well-appointed palace in all of Austria, and
everyone wanted to see its beauty and wealth.

During one visit Anshel took his guest, an important government official whose position was just under Emperor Franz Joseph, on a tour of the palace. He showed him room after room, and the guest was awed by the beauty of the gold, the silver, the furnishings,the chandeliers, the imported fabrics. Everything was a sight to behold. There existed nothing like it in all of Austria. When Anshel passed a certain door, he continued walking, but the guest asked to be shown the room behind the door.

 "I am sorry," said Anshel. "This is the one room in the palace that  I cannot show you."  "Why not?" asked the guest. I would love to see every nook and cranny of your remarkable palace.

 "I simply cannot," answered Anshel, and continued walking.  The tour concluded, and the official returned to his master, and  reported everything he saw. The palace was even more than one
could imagine. "However," said the official to the Emperor, "there  was one room that Anshel refused to show me."  "Why not?" asked the Emperor

 "I do not know. But I can guess. You know how wealthy those  Jews are. My theory is that in that room there is a magic moneymaking  machine. That is why he is so wealthy. Behind that door
 must be a machine that creates the wealth of Anshel Rothschild." The Emperor did not know whether to believe his official, so he  sent a second government official to see the palace of Anshel
 Rothschild. The second official came back with the same story.  And a third, and a fourth.

 This time the curiosity of Emperor Franz Joseph was greatly  aroused, so he decided to go himself and visit the palace. Anshel  took the Emperor for the same tour as he did all the other visitors from Franz Joseph's government. And when they reached the  "forbidden room," the Emperor asked to go inside and see what  was there.

 Anshel explained that that was the one place he could not show  anyone. After the Emperor insisted, Anshel gave in, and agreed to show the Emperor the secret room. He took out his keys, opened
 the door, and invited the Emperor to enter. Franz Joseph looked,  and was amazed at what he saw. There, in a small room, was a  simple pine box, and some plain white cloth on a table. That was
all there was!

 "What is this all about?" asked the Emperor.  "We Jews have strict rules about burial customs," explained Anshel. When a person dies, he must be buried in a very simple  coffin, a plain pine box. And his body must be enveloped in a  plain white shroud. This is to maintain the equality of all G-d's
creatures. No one is permitted to be buried in a fancy, expensive  coffin, or in luxurious clothing. Though some may live affluent  lives, and others may suffer dire, abject poverty, in death all are equal."

"But why is this here in this room?" asked the Emperor,  impressed but still confused.

 "At the end of each day, I come to this room, and view the coffin and the shrouds, and I am reminded that even though I have  great wealth and power and I have important influence in the
 highest echelons of the Austrian Empire, I am still one of G-d's simple creatures, and at the end of my life, this is the end I will come to like all of G-d's other children. I do this lest after a day  filled with high finance and major financial transactions, I think too highly of myself, and develop a bloated sense of myself." Franz Joseph was amazed, and in fact, he was speechless. His respect for Anshel Rothschild grew even greater than before. He never questioned the sincerity, honesty or integrity of Anshel again.

Punch Line

My fellow congregants and friends, who wishes to die. NO ONE!

Who wishes to see there loved one’s die? NO  ONE. 

How often do we find that on or immediately after the High Holidays that someone should die, no too often. So you may say why worry, why be concerned! Rather, we know and understand that our days on earth are indeed limited and it is how we maximize this time on earth with acts of goodness and righteousness and the fulfillment of Torah and Mitzvos. It is these acts and good resolutions that will ensure us a sweet and prosperous year and of course follow us to the next world, and, It is also what we leave behind that we will be remembered for.

As we read the Yiskor today let us remember our loved departed parents and let us at the same time remember what it is they and all our ancestors taught us as Jews and let us find  the spark within us and reignite that spark toward the flame of Torah and mitzvoth.