Joke - That is five kilos of gold

When Jacob was finally given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to
immigrate to Israel, he was told he could only take what he could put into
one suitcase. At Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official
shouted, "Open your case at once."
Jacob did what he was told. The official searched through his case and
pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a
bust of Stalin.
"What is that?" he shouted at Jacob.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is
that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the
wonderful things he did for me and the marvellous life that I am leaving
behind."
The official sneered. "I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the
bust with you."
When Jacob arrived at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, "Shalom,
welcome to Israel, open your case, please!"
Jacob's case was once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was
found. "What is that?” asked the officer.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is
that?' That is Stalin the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind
me of all the suffering and misery he caused me."
The official laughed, "I always knew you Russians were mad. Go, and take the
bust with you."
When Jacob arrived at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he
unpacked. Jacob carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the
table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is
that?' That is five kilos of gold."

Madame Freda

For months, Leah had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance
parlour of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and she brings the voices of the dead
from the other world. We all talk to them. Last week, I talked with my
mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril, for only £30 you can talk to your
zaida who you miss so much."
Cyril could not resist and at the next seance, there was Cyril sitting under
the coloured light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each
side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal
ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril's
zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the
other world?"
"Cyril, I am in bliss. I'm with your bubba. We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon
the shining face of the Lord."
Cyril asks his zaida many questions and his zaida answers each, until -
"So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question
I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zaida," sighed Cyril, "when did you learn to speak English?"

The waiter

Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and
in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get
them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After
they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent
in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says,
"Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

What's in a name?

Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her
family name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father
says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find
a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father
tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that
he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg,"
exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real good
Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like
Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."

A serious chat With Mum

Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone.
"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."
"Oh Mummy," Rivkah said crying, "I'm having a bad day. The baby won't eat
and the washing machine won't work. I've sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling
around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the
Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go
shopping."
The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mummy handle it.
Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do
your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby
and I'll call an engineer I know who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop
crying. I'll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he
should come home to help out for once."
"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"
"Why, David 's your husband....Is this 0208 123 3749?"
"No, this is 0208 123 3747."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number."
There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming
over?"

The trouble with phobias

Simon has a problem. In fact he’s had a problem for so long that it’s
beginning to worry him to death. Finally, he decides he has to do something
about it and goes to see Dr Bloom, his local psychiatrist.
"Oy, doctor, have I got a problem," says Simon. "Every night, when I get
into my bed, I think there's a crazy person under it ready to do me some
serious harm. I'm goingmeshugga with fear. Please help me."
"Don’t worry, Simon," says Dr Bloom, "I can cure you of your fears, but it
will not happen overnight."
"So how long will it take, doctor?" asks Simon.
"Well," replies Dr Bloom, thinking, "come to me twice a week for 3 months
and I’ll rid you of your phobia."
"And how much do you charge a session, doctor?" asks Simon.
“My charges are £100 per session," replies Dr Bloom.
"But that will cost me £2,600 in total," says Simon. "I’m going to have to
think about it and let you know. I can’t easily afford that kind of money."
Many months later, Simon meets Dr Bloom in Waitrose supermarket. "So why
didn't you decide to let me cure you of your fears?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Well," replies Simon, "As I told you then, your fees were really too high
for me. And then my rabbi gave me the cure for nothing. I was so happy to
have saved all that money that I went on a week’s holiday to Tel Aviv."
"So how, may I ask, did your rabbi cure you?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Easy," replies Simon, "he told me to cut the legs off my bed. It’s now so
low that nobody can possible get under it."

The car crash - Rabbi & Preist

Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into a car accident and it's a bad one.
Both cars are crushed but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After
they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi Bloom sees the priest's collar and says,
"Just look at our cars - there's nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a
priest and I'm a rabbi so it must be a sign from God. He must have meant
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of
our days."
Father Michael replies, "I agree with you completely. This truly must be a
sign from God."
Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's another miracle. Although my car is
wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't break. God must want us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to the priest.
Father Michael takes a few big swigs and passes the bottle back to Rabbi
Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands it back to the priest.
Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having any wine?"
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police," says Rabbi Bloom.