The Rabbi Candy Box

Gossip- The Two-Way Mouth

2011-11-29T15:04:00.001-08:00

The Two-Way Mouth

One day, Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov instructed several of his disciples to embark on a journey. The Baal Shem Tov did not tell them where to go, nor did they ask; they allowed divine providence to direct their wagon where it may, confident that the destination and purpose of their trip would be revealed in due time.

After traveling for several hours, they stopped at a wayside inn to eat and rest. Now the Baal Shem Tov’s disciples were pious Jews who insisted on the highest standards of kashrut; when they learned that their host planned to serve them meat in their meal, they asked to see the shochet1 of the house, interrogated him as to his knowledge and piety and examined his knife for any possible blemishes. Their discussion of the kashrut standard of the food continued throughout the meal, as they inquired after the source of every ingredient in each dish set before them.

As they spoke and ate, a voice emerged from behind the oven, where an old beggar was resting amidst his bundles. “Dear Jews,” it called out, “are you as careful with what comes out of your mouth as you are with what enters into it?”

The party of chassidim concluded their meal in silence, climbed onto their wagon and turned it back toward Mezhibuzh. They now understood the purpose for which their master had dispatched them on their journey that morning.

Simple Prayers - Baal Shem Tov

2011-11-29T10:31:00.001-08:00

The Rebbe Rashab based this interpretation on a story he heard from the Baal Shem Tov when he visited his holy resting place at Mezhibuzh. At that time the Baal Shem Tov related that on his 16th birthday (18 Elul, 5474/1714) he had found himself in a small village. The local innkeeper was a very simple person who hardly knew how to read the prayers, let alone understand what they meant. He was, however, a very G‑d-fearing individual. On all matters and at all times he would quote the same phrase in the Holy Tongue, “Blessed be He; may He be blessed forever.” His wife too would always say in Yiddish, “Praised be His holy Name.”

That day, in accordance with the age-old custom of meditating in solitude for some time on one’s birthday, the Baal Shem Tov went off by himself to the fields. He recited chapters of Tehillim and engaged in unifying the Divine Names that emanate from its holy verses.

“As I was immersed in this,” the Baal Shem Tov related, “and unaware of my surroundings, I suddenly saw Elijah the Prophet. There was a smile on his lips. I was taken aback. For when I had been with the tzaddik R. Meir, and also when I had been in the company of the hidden tzaddikim, I had merited to see Elijah, but this was the first time that I had merited his appearance while all alone. I wondered about it. And besides, why was he smiling?

“Elijah said to me: ‘You are toiling so mightily to have the proper mystical intentions in bringing about the Supernal Unions of the Divine Names that emanate from the verses of Tehillim. And Aharon Shlomo the innkeeper and his wife Zlata Rivkah know nothing of the Unifications that result from his “Blessed be He; may He be blessed forever,” and from her “Praised be His holy Name.” Yet the Divine harmonies they create resonate in all the heavens more than all the Unifications of the Holy Name that are effected by the mystical intentions of the greatest tzaddikim.’

“Elijah described to me,” continued the Baal Shem Tov, “the great pleasure, as it were, that results in heaven from the words of praise and adoration uttered by men, women and children. Especially so, when they come from the mouths of simple folk. And most especially, when these praises are offered consistently, for then these people are constantly united with G‑d in pure faith and with an undivided heart.”

* * *

Having recounted this episode, the Rebbe Rashab added that it served as the basis for his additional interpretation of “breath untainted by sin” — that it applies not only to children but also to adults who act with pure faith and heartfelt simplicity, and who are thereby constantly united with G‑d, at all times and in all places.

JOKE - 10 dollars for the cheesecake, and 60 dollars for Israel

2011-10-07T12:06:00.001-07:00

*A Jew walks into the bakery and orders a bagel. The man behind the counter
says: "A bagel? That's 20 dollars." "20 dollars?! Are you mad!?" "Well, its
1 dollar for the bagel, and 19 dollars for Israel." "Fine. Money for Israel?
How can I say no?"*

* *

*The next day the same guy comes in to the bakery, and orders a challah. The
man behind the counter says: "Challah? That's 40 dollars." "Are you
insane?!" "Sir, its 5 dollars for the challah and 35 dollars for Israel."
The man shrugs his shoulders but he pays the money.*

* *

*The third day, he comes in and orders a cheesecake. "Cheesecake? 70
dollars." "What?! This is absolutely crazy." "Sir, 10 dollars for the
cheesecake, and 60 dollars for Israel." At this point he had had enough.
"You are completely mad! This is absolutely absurd and unethical."*

* *

*"Sorry sir, I am just following the rules." "I demand to speak to the owner
of the store!"*

* *

*So the clerk goes to the door and calls out: "Hey Israel! Someone wants to
talk to you!"*

2011-10-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

A Story - FRANZ JOSEPH AND ANSHEL'S SECRET ROOM
There is a story told of the great Anshel Rotchild.
Everyone has heard of the famous, wealthy, banking family, the Rothschilds. The "founding father" of the Rothschild clan, which exists to this day, was Anshel Rothschild, an Orthodox Jew who lived in the middle of the nineteenth century in Austria. Anshel amassed a huge fortune and established a close relationship with the Emperor of Austria, Franz Joseph.

From time to time the Emperor would send visitors to the luxurious and famous palace of Anshel Rothschild. It was the most lavish,luxurious and well-appointed palace in all of Austria, and
everyone wanted to see its beauty and wealth.

During one visit Anshel took his guest, an important government official whose position was just under Emperor Franz Joseph, on a tour of the palace. He showed him room after room, and the guest was awed by the beauty of the gold, the silver, the furnishings,the chandeliers, the imported fabrics. Everything was a sight to behold. There existed nothing like it in all of Austria. When Anshel passed a certain door, he continued walking, but the guest asked to be shown the room behind the door.

"I am sorry," said Anshel. "This is the one room in the palace that I cannot show you." "Why not?" asked the guest. I would love to see every nook and cranny of your remarkable palace.

"I simply cannot," answered Anshel, and continued walking. The tour concluded, and the official returned to his master, and reported everything he saw. The palace was even more than one
could imagine. "However," said the official to the Emperor, "there was one room that Anshel refused to show me." "Why not?" asked the Emperor

"I do not know. But I can guess. You know how wealthy those Jews are. My theory is that in that room there is a magic moneymaking machine. That is why he is so wealthy. Behind that door
must be a machine that creates the wealth of Anshel Rothschild." The Emperor did not know whether to believe his official, so he sent a second government official to see the palace of Anshel
Rothschild. The second official came back with the same story. And a third, and a fourth.

This time the curiosity of Emperor Franz Joseph was greatly aroused, so he decided to go himself and visit the palace. Anshel took the Emperor for the same tour as he did all the other visitors from Franz Joseph's government. And when they reached the "forbidden room," the Emperor asked to go inside and see what was there.

Anshel explained that that was the one place he could not show anyone. After the Emperor insisted, Anshel gave in, and agreed to show the Emperor the secret room. He took out his keys, opened
the door, and invited the Emperor to enter. Franz Joseph looked, and was amazed at what he saw. There, in a small room, was a simple pine box, and some plain white cloth on a table. That was
all there was!

"What is this all about?" asked the Emperor. "We Jews have strict rules about burial customs," explained Anshel. When a person dies, he must be buried in a very simple coffin, a plain pine box. And his body must be enveloped in a plain white shroud. This is to maintain the equality of all G-d's
creatures. No one is permitted to be buried in a fancy, expensive coffin, or in luxurious clothing. Though some may live affluent lives, and others may suffer dire, abject poverty, in death all are equal."

"But why is this here in this room?" asked the Emperor, impressed but still confused.

"At the end of each day, I come to this room, and view the coffin and the shrouds, and I am reminded that even though I have great wealth and power and I have important influence in the
highest echelons of the Austrian Empire, I am still one of G-d's simple creatures, and at the end of my life, this is the end I will come to like all of G-d's other children. I do this lest after a day filled with high finance and major financial transactions, I think too highly of myself, and develop a bloated sense of myself." Franz Joseph was amazed, and in fact, he was speechless. His respect for Anshel Rothschild grew even greater than before. He never questioned the sincerity, honesty or integrity of Anshel again.

Punch Line

My fellow congregants and friends, who wishes to die. NO ONE!

Who wishes to see there loved one’s die? NO ONE.

How often do we find that on or immediately after the High Holidays that someone should die, no too often. So you may say why worry, why be concerned! Rather, we know and understand that our days on earth are indeed limited and it is how we maximize this time on earth with acts of goodness and righteousness and the fulfillment of Torah and Mitzvos. It is these acts and good resolutions that will ensure us a sweet and prosperous year and of course follow us to the next world, and, It is also what we leave behind that we will be remembered for.

As we read the Yiskor today let us remember our loved departed parents and let us at the same time remember what it is they and all our ancestors taught us as Jews and let us find the spark within us and reignite that spark toward the flame of Torah and mitzvoth.

Believers @ Niagara Falls

2011-10-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

There was once a man who stretched a tightrope across Niagara Falls. A crowd
gathered as he walked across the falls on the tightrope and came back to the
same bank. He turned to the crowd and asked, "How many of you believe I can
walk back and forth on this tightrope, blindfolded?" The crowd cheered and
cried out, "We believe! We believe!". The man made the trip blindfolded. The
crowd went wild, cheering and clapping. The man then asked the crowd, " How
many of you believe I can walk this tightrope, blindfolded, pushing a wheel
barrow?" The crowd yelled even louder, "We believe! We believe!". The man
performed the feat once again and the crowd screamed and cheered ever louder
than before. This time he asked, "How many people believe I can walk this
tightrope, blindfolded, pushing a wheelbarrow with someone inside it?" The
crowd went absolutely wild, yelling and screaming, "We believe! We
believe!". The man yelled over the roar, turned to the loudest believer and
said "OK, I need you to volunteer!"

NO FAIR! FASTING IS EASIER!!!!!

2011-10-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

From Rabbi Lazer Gurkow:

My wife, may she live and be well till 120, was explaining to my daughter
why adults fast on Yom Kippur. You know, she said, how children sometimes do
things that are not good like fighting or getting angry or not sharing? Yes,
my daughter nods. Well, says the seasoned mother, adults can sometimes (only
sometimes you see :-) also be guilty of such things. Soooo on Yom Kippur we
feel really badly for what we have done and we ask Hashem for
forgiveness.The way we ask is by fasting to show how sad we are that we did
the Avera.

So far so good, my daughter understands and is still with the program, but
her little mind is churning and she has one more question. Hmmmm, how do we
kids show Hashem that we are sad? Aaah, says my wise wife, children are
forgiven without fasting. They are forgiven simply by asking Hashem to
forgive them, telling Hashem how sorry they are for what they did and
promising to Hashem that they will never ever ever do it again. Now my wife
is thinking she got out of the woods with a pretty good explanation... but
to no avail.

My daughter screws up her little face with one of her classic rants. NO
FAIR! FASTING IS EASIER!!!!!

Shliach & The Shofar

2011-10-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

"I want you to listen to this story of this Rabbi
Laine" He went on to say how a few years ago it was rosh hashana and he and
his family attended services the first night and day of rosh hashana. by the
second day he wasn't interested in going to shul (again) and decided to go
have fun with his fam. He mentioned to his wife "lets get in the car quickly
because I have a feeling the Rabbino and family will be passing our house on
the way back from shul" He attempted to rush his family in the car before
rabbi laine came but sure enough as hes getting in the car, he sees a black
hat approaching getting closer and closer to his car.

>From his words: " I started sweating profusely and shaking. I turned off the
engine and opened the window. The rabbi didn't utter a sound. He nodded to
us and whipped a shofar out of his pocket. He started tekiah..all the sounds
felt like forever. My wife had tears streaming down her face. He finished,
put the shofar back in his pocket, said gut yom tov and left."

This guy turned to us and said that the very next shabbos they kept their
first shabbos! What a powerful story of the epitome of what a shliach can
do and the power he has from the meshalayach,

Rabbi Cleans Streets

2011-10-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

On the Tel Aviv street next to the Sadigerer Shul, an elderly Yemenite Jew
worked diligently, sweeping the street. He worked quickly and methodically,
sweeping first one side of the street and then the other. When he approached
the entrance to the shul, however, he stopped sweeping and passed by the
building with his broom aloft. Then he continued sweeping the road.

My grandfather, Rabbi Chaskel Besser, who resided in Tel Aviv at the time
and frequented the shul, noticed this odd behavior and wondered about it. He
approached the street cleaner and asked him how come he had not swept in
front of the shul.

The gentleman looked at my grandfather. "The rabbi doesn't allow me to."

My grandfather's curiosity was aroused, and he approached the Sadigerer
Rebbe and asked for an explanation, but the rabbi only smiled. My
grandfather asked again, and then again, until finally, the rabbi told his
story.

The rabbi had been visiting Vienna in 1938 when the Nazis entered Vienna.
They immediately sought out the prominent Jews and arrested them, among them
the Sadigerer Rebbe.

In a chilling hint of the humiliation and degradation which they intended to
visit upon the Jews, they took these Jewish leaders and found different ways
to publicly disgrace them.

The Sadigerer Rebbe, a man of regal bearing and conduct, was given a little
brush and stood in front of the great Vienna Opera House. They placed a
small street cleaner's hat on his head, and ordered him to sweep the stairs
of the building with this ridiculously ineffective brush.

As this holy rabbi stooped on those ornate steps, tears streaming down his
cheeks, he whispered a prayer, and a vow, to God:

"Almighty, save me from these beasts. Lead me out of this country and to
your home, the land of Israel. And I promise that there I will sweep the
streets with delight and gratification."

The rabbi smiled at my grandfather. "Thus, I insist that the street cleaner
leave those precious few yards of sidewalk, the entrance to God's house, for
me to sweep."

A Tattoo in the Mikavh

2011-10-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

A baal Teshuvah immersing in a Mikvah on Erev Yom Kippur slipped just
before he reached the water, he slipped and lost his balance. Trying to
catch his fall, he let his hand off his arm, revealing a lewd tattoo.
Completely ashamed, he stood frozen in his spot. Everyone was at a loss for
words to comfort him until an old man said, "Look here, my boy, I also have
a tattoo." He pointed to the row of numbers etched in his skin. "This is in
case I forget what those monsters had planned for me. It seems we've both
come a long way."

It's not where we are coming from, but where we are going that matters.
Furthermore, all Jews can connect with one another, despite outward
differences. In essence, all Jews are one, and we can reveal this inner
bond.

"In G-d we trust" all other pay cash....

2011-10-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

"In G-d we trust" all other pay cash....

Yizkor Story: Life is a play

2011-10-05T18:06:00.001-07:00

Yizkor Story:

I was visiting Jewish patients in S. Francis Hospital some months back,
when I walked into the room of an elderly Jew named Irving, a holocaust
survivor, who was obviously quite sick, surrounded by his entire family. I spent
some time with him. We talked about the horrors of his youth, and how he
managed to continue on living. He told me it was his mother?s words to him
on the last night before we were separated. ?She sat me down and said to me:
Life is like a play. (My mother loved the theater). Every one of us plays
a part. Not just us, but our parents and grandparents, they?re parents and
grandparents, all the way back to Abraham and Sarah. They?re all part of
this production. Each of us plays a part, And then, when your part is over,
you go backstage. You?re not gone, you?re still there, looking, cheering,
helping out in any way you can from behind the scenes?

And then mama grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye, and said: ?Yisrolik?
le, I don?t know what?s going to happen, how long we?ll be together,
whether I?ll survive this. But one thing I ask of you, If you survive. Don?t
give up, play your part. You might feel sad and lonely, but I beg of you- don?
t give up. Play your role as best you can. Live your life to the fullest.
I promise you, you won?t be alone. Tate un ich, babe un zeide, mir velen
aleh zein mit dir oif eibig, Daddy and me, grandma and grandpa, we will be
with you forever, we?ll be watching you from backstage. I?m sure you won?t
let us down and you?ll play your part.? It was those words from Mama that
got me out of bed on many a difficult morning.

By the time the man finished the story, there wasn?t a dry eye in the
room.

A few days later the man passed away. At the shiva, the family kept
repeating the story about the play. It was clear they took comfort from knowing
their father was still there, behind the scenes. Still, there was a profound
sense of pain and loss.

They asked me to say a few words. So I got up, turned to the family, and I
said: There is a postscript to the story. What happens at the end of the
play? All the actors comes back out? Right? Everyone comes out on the stage
to give a bow. It is a basic Jewish belief that all the neshomos, every
soul will come back and be with us once again, right here in this world. I
assure you, I said, with G-d?s help, you will soon be reunited with your
father.?

My dear beloved friends, my fellow yiden, we?re about to say the Yiskor
prayer. Remembering our loved ones whose souls join us right here in shul. Let
?s promise to make them proud.Let?s make this the year when each of us
reaches our potential, when each of us lives each day to the fullest, When we
realize the beauty of every moment. when we appreciate the G-dly purpose
we have been privileged to be a part of.

And while we?re at it, let?s ask our loved one?s to send an email or put
in a phone call to the producer, Or maybe even pay Him a visit. Tell Him,
please. We?re ready for Moshiach. We?ve done our job. Enough with the
yiddishe tzoros, shoin tzeit, it?s time already. The Rebbe told us to prepare
for Moshiach, that we?re this close to completing the task for which we were
chosen. We?re ready for the time when ? lecho tichra kol berech ? all
creations will bow to you, We?re ready for the final bow. We?re ready for the
time when G-d will call this place His home.

suffering in the world

2011-10-05T07:47:00.002-07:00

There is a marvelous story of a man who once stood in front of G-d - his heart breaking from the pain and injustice in the world. "Dear G-d" he cried out, "Look at all the suffering the anguish and distress in the world why don't you send help??" G-d responded "I did send help - I sent you!!"

"I don't own this ship!!" - Joke

2011-10-05T07:47:00.000-07:00

A cruise ship was sailing along in heavy waters when the Captain announced that they were in trouble, in fact there was an imminent danger and the boat may capsize and sink. The Captain asked for cooperation and teamwork from all parties aboard in order to save lives and get everybody on life boats. While everybody was scurrying around the deck one passenger sat in his deck chair and did nothing. When one of his friends asked him why isn't he helping out?? He replied quickly "I don't own this ship!!"

(Perhaps you can say. Ladies and Gentleman, we are all in this ship together!!)

"Lord, hit him again!!" - JOKE

2011-10-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

In the East side of New York there was an old beautiful Synagogue with bleachers and a dome. It was mostly supported by a handful of very wealthy but elderly members of the congregation. Those gentlemen were honored to sit on the "Mizrach Vant" (Eastern wall). Right before Yom Kippur one of these main donors passed away. The Rabbi and the Board of Directors decided that they would honor the son of this deceased man by giving him his father's honored seat and were hoping that he would continue the tradition of his father to be a major supporter of the Synagogue. Well the son took the seat, but never donated any funds for five years. The Rabbi got fed up and decided during the next Yom Kippur appeal he will try to convince the son. The Rabbi starts delivering a "fire & brimstone" drasha leading up to the appeal and he was banging on the podium, when suddenly from the dome fell a tile and chance would have it, it fell right on top of the son of the deceased. He stands up and yells out "Rabbi, I will donate a quarter of a million dollars to fix the roof". The Rabbi raised his hands to the heavens and yelled out "Lord, hit him again!!"

(Perhaps you can say -Let us not wait to be hit on the head!)

"I eat pork on Shabbat."

2011-10-04T19:13:00.001-07:00

There is a rabbi in Israel, Yechezkel Sofer, who taught a Talmud class for

professors at Hebrew University. One particular professor, for years,

refused to come. One day the rabbi meets the professor and says to him,

"Why don't you join the class? Your colleagues come; it's in your building

right down the hall."

The professor responds, "Oh no, I don't belong in the class. We have nothing

in common."

The rabbi says, "What do you mean we have nothing in common?"

"You don't understand", says the professor, "I eat pork on Shabbat."

The rabbi says, "Only on Shabbat, not during the weekday?"

The professor says, "Specifically, spitefully on Shabbat!"

"Ah, in that case" says the rabbi, "You should come to the class.

We do have something in common."

The professor asks, "What do you mean?"

The rabbi says, "I celebrate Shabbat and you celebrate Shabbat. I do it in a

traditional way. Your way is not so traditional."

After the conversation the Professor began attending the Talmud class.

He had re-discovered something about his Jewish identity.

This professor had survived the Holocaust as a young boy and saw Jewish life

in Europe destroyed. When he arrived in Israel, he threw his Judaism away.

He was angry with G-d and wanted to get back at Him. So he ate pork on

Shabbat. Why specifically on Shabbat? He wanted to punish G-d in the most

hurtful way. He figured that eating pork on Tuesday is one thing, but doing

it on Shabbat was really bad -because Shabbat is a holy day.

Upon reflection, the professor realized that his rebellious act showed that

he too believed in Torah and Judaism and that Shabbat was still a holy day

for him. That is why he ate pork on Shabbat. Not because Shabbat is an

ordinary day but because it's the holy day.

tonight is the first time my father heard me pray.

2011-10-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

There is a story told of in the shtetl, there was a chazzan who every week

he would chant the melodies of the services, and always in tow was his old

father who would come and be there to watch his son act as the chazzan of

the shteeble.

It was one Yom Kippur before Kol Ndrei and the congregation was all ready,

awaiting their Chazan to step up to the podium, but as the clock was ticking

the chazzan has not yet arrived. Suddenly the Chazzan comes dashing in the

door all apologetic, grabs his Tallis and kittel, and prayed the Kol Nidrei

in the most harmonious and pleasant ever sounding tone, that all stood in

awe.

After the services the Rabbi approached the Chazzan to ask what transpired,

and the reason of his lateness that led to such an outstanding performance.

The Chazzan explained, you know, my father was deaf, and yesterday my father

passed away, and tonight is the first time my father heard me pray.

“Forget the brakes; fix the horn!”

2011-09-27T21:52:00.001-07:00

An Israeli driver takes his car into the shop to have the brakes repaired.
The mechanic tells him, “It’s going to cost 6,000 shekels.”
So the car owner says to the mechanic, “Forget the brakes; fix the horn!”

“Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are.”

2011-09-27T21:50:00.000-07:00

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the
purpose of showing him just how poor some people are. They spent a couple of days on the farm
of a destitute family. On their return home, the father asked, "Son, how was the trip?"
“It was great, Dad.” The son replied.
“Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
“Oh yeah," said the son.
“So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.
The son answered, "I learned that we don’t allow pets into our fancy house, but they have dogs
and cats they enjoy very much.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported Japanese lanterns in our garden and they have stars at night.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.”
After hearing all this, the father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks, Dad, for
showing me how poor we are.”

Forgiveness

2011-09-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

There is a beautiful story found in the Zohar3 — the central text of Jewish mysticism — which
illustrates this idea. Rabbi Abba, says the Zohar, once sat at the gateway to the town of Lud in
Israel, which is now the location of Ben Gurion Airport.
He saw a traveler sit down on a pile of rocks at the edge of a mountain overlooking a cliff. The
man was exhausted from his journey and immediately fell asleep. Rabbi Abba watched this
scene for a bit when suddenly he saw a deadly snake slither out of the rocks, and make its way
rapidly towards the sleeping man. Before he had time to intervene, a giant lizard jumped out
from the rocks and killed the serpent, saving the sleeping man’s life.
The man awoke, shocked to see a beheaded snake lying in front of him. He quickly gathered his
possessions and rose to continue on his journey. At that very moment the pile of rocks he was
sitting on collapsed and dropped into the ravine below.
Rabbi Abba ran after the man and recounted everything he had witnessed. He asked, "My friend,
tell me, to what do you attribute all these miracles that have just occurred?"
The traveler responded:
4
“Well, one thing I can tell you. I never go to sleep without forgiving someone who offended me.
When someone caused me pain, I always tried, with all my heart, to resolve whatever animosity
was between us. I turned the hateful situation into an opportunity to do acts of kindness for the
person involved in the misunderstanding.

Prayer and Baseball

2011-09-27T21:42:00.001-07:00

Someone once defined a baseball game as a place where 40,000 people who need exercise watch
18 people who don't. Well, maybe, we can define High Holiday service as a place where
hundreds of people who need to improve in prayer watch one person, the chazzan, who doesn't.

Friends, it’s tempting to be spectators at the prayer service, rather than full participants. It’s easy
to just follow the lead of the rabbi and the cantor, to let our minds wander while our mouths say
the words. This prayer reminds us that our devotion needs to involve our whole being, our whole
concentration.

Linbacker Lawrence Taylor - mind over matter

2011-09-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

Lawrence Taylor, the retired linebacker of the New York Giants, was once

asked about playing while he was injured and he responded, “It’s mind over

matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

Joke - "dear G-d, never mind; I found one on my own."

2011-09-27T20:53:00.001-07:00

A Jewish guy is driving to work one day... he starts looking for a parking space and notices he's gonna be late... there's no parking anywhere.

He looks up at the sky and says to G-d: "dear Lord I promise that if you help me find a parking space i'll start eating only kosher food, rest on Saturday and do all the mitzvas I'm supposed to..." 5 seconds later he finds a parking space... he looks up at the sky again: "dear G-d, never mind; I found one on my own."

Charled Blondinn - the most famous tight rope walkers in history

2011-09-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

Charled Blondinn (1824-1897).

Blondin, who was born in 1824 in France, was one of the most famous tight rope walkers in history. He was also known as "The Great Blondin."

Blondin's greatest fame came in June of 1859 when he attempted to become the first person to cross a tightrope stretched over a quarter of a mile across the mighty Niagara Falls.

He walked across 160 feet, above falls, several times, each time with a different daring feat: once in a sack, on stilts, on a bicycle, in the dark, and once he even carried a stove and cooked an omelet!

At one occasion, a large crowd gathered and a buzz of excitement ran along both sides of the river bank. The crowd “Oooohed!” and “Aaaaahed!” as Blondin carefully walked across one dangerous step after another, blindfolded and pushing a wheelbarrow.

Upon reaching the other side, the crowd's applause was louder than the roar of the falls! Blondin suddenly stopped and addressed his audience: "Do you believe I can carry a person across in this wheelbarrow?" The crowd enthusiastically shouted, "Yes, yes, yes. You are the greatest tightrope walker in the world. You can do anything!"

"Okay," said Blondin, "Someone get in the wheelbarrow....."

No one did!

Only months later, in August of 1859, did his manager, Harry Colcord, ride on Blondin's back across the Niagara Falls.

The story of Charles Blondin paints a real life picture of the challenge of faith. The crowd had watched his daring feats. They said they believed, but they would not act on the faith.

2011-09-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

“And G-d heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of G-d called to Hagar out of heaven, and said to her "What ails you, Hagar? Fear not, for G-d has heard the voice of the lad where he is," “baasher hoo sham.” (Genesis 21:17).

What is the meaning of those last three words “where he is?”

There is a deep message conveyed here. G-d listens to people “where they are.” Often, when a person finds himself in a situation with many distractions and difficulties, he is likely to say: "When my situation improves, then I will be able to do what I really aspire to do, to seek holiness, to study Torah and do mitzvoth, to connect to G-d, but not right now. Now all I can think about are these problems, holiness will have to wait until other things calm down."

But that is not the Jewish approach. Let us recall the words of G-d to Moses at the burning bush, when he tried to approach the burning bush: “Ki hamakom asher atah omed alav admas kodesh hu.” The place upon which you are standing, that is the exact situation in which you find yourself, is a holy place. In whatever distracting and difficult situation you find yourself, there are opportunities for holiness. A relationship with G-d does not depend on you being completely pure and refined. Wherever we are in our life, we can touch the Divine. Wherever you are in life, you can reach out to G-d. You don’t need to move away from your space and be something which you are not. G-d does not want masks; he wants the real you. He wants your truth, your passion, your heart, your struggles, your reality. “Baasher Hoo Sham.” He wants to see what you really look like. Wherever you are and whoever you are, G-d will listen to you.

2011-09-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

G-d called to Samuel, and Samuel responded, "Here I am."

And he ran to Eli, and said, "Here I am, for you have called me." And Eli said, "I did not call. Go back to sleep."

In essence, we are given here a blueprint for one of the great challenges and callings in the field of education. Our children hear voices, but we often send them back to sleep, making them believe that the voices were mere imaginary.

Joke - the Boy who didnt speak

2011-09-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

There was a boy who hadn't said a word for fifteen years and his parents thought him incapable of speech until one night at dinner when he threw his spoon down in disgust and declared, "Ach! The soup is terrible!" His mother jumped with joy and exclaimed, "Sam, you spoke!!

But, how come you didn't say anything till now?"

To which he blithely answers, "Till now the soup was good!"

What Rabbi Mottel (Mordechai) of Chernobyl saw in Heaven

2011-09-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

The great Tzadik, Rabbi Mottel (Mordechai) of Chernobyl (1770-1837) was renowned for his erudition and holiness. He had thousands of followers, many of whom he 'inherited' after the passing of his saintly father Rebbe Nachum. Once, it so happened that this Rabbi Mottel fell sick. He became so critically ill that he went into a coma for four days and was literally hovering between life and death. His Chassidim and followers were in distress. They gathered together, prayed and said Tehillim (Psalms) non-stop for the entire time. G-d heard their prayers and their Rebbe regained consciousness. Several weeks later held a great thanksgiving meal for the kindness G-d showed him. The meal was unusually joyous; replete with song and dance until one of the older Chassidim, who had taken a few L'chaims, mustered up his courage approached the Rebbe and asked him if he would please grace the crowd with a description of what he’d seen in the four days he was “out.”

After a few minutes of pregnant silence, the Rebbe cleared his throat, closed his eyes and began to speak.

"I left my body and felt my soul rising, rising to heaven. I was sure that my time on earth had terminated. But I resisted. I didn't want to die. I cried and asked for mercy but it didn't help. "I was brought before the heavenly court and they were about to decide my fate. So in desperation I screamed that I wanted to see my holy, departed father, Rabbi Nachum. I knew that if he could intercede for me I might have a chance.

"My request was granted! My father was lowered from the high level of heaven where he was, but when we were finally face to face and I was bursting from joy to see him again after all these years … he didn't recognize me! I pleaded and tried to make him remember… but to no avail. He admitted that he had a son but he didn't believe that I was him! He simply didn't recognize me at all. Finally he asked if perhaps I had done some sin after he left this world and that is the reason he didn't know me. And he disappeared.

So for three days, I tried to remember if possibly I had done something wrong but with no success. I again began weeping and praying and, behold, my father re-appeared. He told me that he also had been searching but he came up with nothing. All he could conclude was perhaps it was something I had done very recently; say in the last day or two before my illness that was inaccessible to him. He asked me if I remembered anything unusual.

"Suddenly something came to my mind, but it certainly wasn't a sin. I told him that I remembered that just before my illness a wealthy Jew who had recently become a pauper, came to ask me for a loan of several hundred rubles to get back on his feet. But I had to turn him down because I simply didn't have that type of money. Still, I gave him what I could and tried to comfort him as best as possible.

"'Comfort him?' My father asked, 'What did you say?'

"I said a proverb from the wisest of men, King Solomon. I said:

כִּי אֶת אֲשֶׁר יֶאֱהַב ה', יוֹכִיחַ...

For the one who G-loves, He chastises… (Proverbs 3:12).

“‘And what did you mean by that?' My father asked as though he was on to something. ‘What did I mean?’ I replied, not really understanding what he was getting at. "Why, I meant the simple meaning. That he shouldn't worry because sometimes G-d makes people suffer because He loves them. For instance, suffering can sometimes make people more kind, more sensitive, more compassionate, more deep. Sometimes it can clean people of their sins.

"'Aha!' My father replied. 'Now I know why I didn’t recognize you! I never would have said such a thing! And, indeed, here in Heaven we learn that sentence completely differently. Up here we learn it like this:

כִּי אֶת אֲשֶׁר יֶאֱהַב, ה' יוֹכִיחַ...

“Whoever you love (and we are supposed to love every creature), and you see that he or she is suffering, then you shall chastise G-d.’"

This is what Moses did when he challenged G-d saying, “Why do you make Your people suffer?” (Exodus 5:22). And G-d listened.

“’My son,' my father concluded, 'when it comes to the suffering of others we have to protest! We must try to “reprove” G-d and not justify Him.'”

“And I came back to life.”

Joke -Your Tuchus is apt to become more clever than your head

2011-09-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

A Ukrainian merchant and a Jew happen to travel in the same compartment of a train.

And, as always in cases like this, the Ukrainian anti-Semite is only happy to show his spite to everything Jewish, so this is how their discussion goes:

Merchant: "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three sorts of newspapers when traveling: one Ukrainian which I read, the other Russian which I use to wrap my breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to wipe myself when I use a toilet."

Jew: "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that this way, your behind is apt to become more clever than your head?"

Jewish Pride: Shimon Ringel in Death Camp

2011-09-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

Of the hundreds of heroic stories told by the Bluzhever Rebbe, Rabbi Yisroel Spiro, about his harrowing experiences in the Janowska labor camp during World War II, one episode is not well known at all. It is the story of Dr. Shimon Ringel. It is the courageous tale of a valiant man and his fight to preserve the honor, the kavod, of his people.

Arriving at the labor camp on August 26, 1942, Shimon, a young man in his 30s, carried with him a spirit of defiance and an inner strength. He was shocked at how the Jews all followed the orders of their German superiors; he desperately tried to convince the other inmates that eventually all of them would be killed, every last one. So why follow the Germans' orders and work for their cause? Why not spread the word to the thousands of other inmates? But a number of factors prevented him from doing this.

First of all, it was difficult to ever speak to a large number of people. The Nazis watched their every move carefully, ensuring that no one spoke to anyone else unless it was for a purpose. After work it was nearly impossible to find someone who had either the physical strength or the will to converse. They were shattered both in body and spirit. The only thing they wanted was to rest their bruised and weary bodies. Who had time or interest to speak about hope and pride? They were by and large walking skeletons, living out their days until the time came to die. And when it would, they would gladly leave this nightmarish existence.

So the voices of the Shimon Ringels had no chance of being heard. But Shimon would speak to the Bluzhever Rebbe. In him he found someone who would listen and at least try to share in his hope.

The labor camp was a scene of subhuman conditions ― appalling sanitation, little food, and constant harassment and beatings. Daily, they were forced to endure lineups where the SS guards would degrade and humiliate them.

"Which nation are the biggest liars and cheaters?" the SS guards would call out in glee, almost suppressing a snide smirk as they waited anxiously for the answer. "We the Jews are!" would be the cry of the degraded prisoners. Anyone daring not to scream out this answer would suffer by being chosen to stand in the middle of the courtyard and be beaten ― beaten until he died ― while his fellow Jews watched.

But Shimon could not bear to watch this horrible sight. He could no longer tolerate these barbarians mocking God and His holy nation. It is one thing to beat someone physically, but to humiliate the soul of a Jew, that was just too much. The humiliation and shame hurt so badly that Shimon decided to do something about it.

One of the daily rituals in the camp was the trip the inmates would take to the bathhouses. Although they was given the opportunity to bathe themselves, it was on a strict schedule. They had, to undress, bathe and redress all within a period of 5 minutes. Anyone not keeping to the schedule would be killed instantly. And tragically, often more blood would flow from those bathhouses, than water.

Afterward, again, the humiliating ceremony would begin. "Who's the filthiest nation on earth?" the Nazi guard would call out. "It is we the Jews who are infested with lice and filth."

"And why are you no longer dirty?"

"Because the kind and benevolent commandant has allowed us to cleanse ourselves."

The scene was sickening and shameful. But woe to the individual who dared to defy the sadistic guard. And for the longest time no one dared to do so. Until Shimon Ringel.

Shimon armed himself with a small dose of cyanide and one middle-sized rock. As the routine was about to begin, he turned to the Bluzhever Rebbe with tears in his eyes and he begged, "Please forgive me, Rebbe. I know that after what I am going to do, you will suffer together with the rest of the inmates. But I can no longer tolerate the shame they are causing to God and the Jewish people. I don't know if you will survive but promise me that if you do, you will tell this story to let people know that someone did not allow them to shame God's people."

The Rebbe tried to convince Shimon not to do it. But it was too late. The routine began. "Who is the filthiest nation on earth?"

Shimon refused to answer, while the rest of them struggled to proclaim that they were the filthiest nation, when they knew that the exact opposite was true. It did not take long for the Nazi guards to notice that Shimon was not responding to the questions in the same manner as everyone else.

"Why are you not answering, Jew?"

This time it was the Commandant Kolinko who spoke with a mixture of anger and confusion. "How dare you not answer the way you have been taught?" The commandant was visibly shaken and surprised that this Jew was so defiant!

"Because it is not true. The Jewish people are not filthy and we are not a lowly nation. It is you who should be ashamed of yourselves, you dirty dog. You kill innocent women and children. It is you who should be embarrassed for who you are."

And as soon as Shimon finished his diatribe, the commandant, shocked by his impudence, approached him and stepped right up to his face. Suddenly Shimon spit at him and smashed the rock he had hidden against the commandant's head.

Immediately chaos ensued. The SS guards pounced on Shimon and beat him mercilessly as the commandant bled profusely. But Shimon did not feel it at all. He was now in a place where no one could hurt him.

Astonishingly, somehow, someway, the matter was swept aside. One of those who survived was the Bluzhever Rebbe, Rabbi Yisroel Spira, who retold this story.

No Shame

Now, here was a Jew who knew he would not survive, yet he would not tolerate the spectacle of Jews calling themselves “filthy.”

We, thank G-d, are given the freedom to speak up against all the voices which never cease to defame and spread lies about the Jewish people and their homeland, the Land of Israel.

You know the story of the anti-Semite who knocks down the Jew in the street. The Jew gives him a coin and says that today is a holiday, a Yom Tov, where we give money to people who hit us and directs him to the wealthy Jew, who will give him big money. The anti-Semite goes to the man’s house and when the Jew comes to the door, the anti-Semite gives him a solid Zetz. The wealthy Jew calls his servants who beat the living daylights out of this anti-Semite. He goes away bruised and muttering, “These Jews, they don't even keep their own holidays.”

We ought never to be ashamed. We must speak up, with confidence, with dignity, with unwavering passion and strength. We cannot afford in times of freedom to suffer from an inferiority complex.

Don’t Stop Praying

2011-09-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

Don’t Stop

In the portion of Vaeschanan, Moses prays to enter into the Land. The word Vaeschanan is the numerology of 515, indicating that Moses prayed 515 prayers to nullify the Divine decree against his entry into the Holy Land. Finally, G-d told him: Enough! Do not pray any more. Why did G-d not want him to pray any longer?

Says the Munkatcher Rebbe (in his commentary Chaim Vesholom), because G-d knew, that with one more prayer, Moses would have broken the decree! So G-d told him, stop praying.

And the Munkathcer concludes: Sometimes Jews get tired of praying for Moshiach and redemption. They should learn from this that it is a mistaken approach. The power and potency of prayer is unbelievable.

Story: The Grandmother who called at her own Shiva

2011-09-27T19:58:00.001-07:00

Heard from Rabbi Shmuel Hendel in Kfar Chabad, told to him by Rabbi EliyahuSegal of Rishon L'Tzion.

An elderly lady living in a nursing home in New York passed away. Her children, who always visited her and took care of her, did their duty and did a proper Jewish Tahara and burial.

On the 5th day of sitting shiva, the phone rang and the daughter sitting shiva answered the phone. On the other end of the phone was her mother, whom she just buried. The daughter, in shock, immediately fainted.

The phone rang again and it was her mother again, complaining that no one came to visit her that week. The family then rushed to the nursing home and it turned out there was a mix-up at the nursing home and it was her roommate that passed away and not their mother. This means that the wrong family buried the person… imagine hoe everybody felt about this crazy mistake. So now the nursing home had the grim job of informing the children of the other lady that their mother died 5 days ago. The nursing home called and was trying to break it to these children slowly, but before they could even tell the children what happened, the children callously answered, “If this call has anything to do with our mother, we are not interested.”

The children said, “All day long our mother wastes her time and just prays and prays and says Psalms.” The children then added, “And the one thing she prays for is that when she dies she should have a proper Jewish burial. But,” the children cruelly said, “We will outsmart her and when she dies we will spite her and make sure she will not have a proper Jewish burial! We don’t believe in all these religious myths. Cremation is far cheaper and more appropriate.”

The nursing home then explained to them it was too late as she already received her proper Jewish burial!

Look at the power of prayer and to the extent G-d will turn the world around to answer a prayer. Here this pious lady only prayed for one thing, a proper burial. Knowing it was almost impossible, due to her children’s apathy and selfishness, yet she didn’t give up. So G-d orchestrated this whole mix-up to respond to the prayers of this woman.

A man in a hot air balloon & a Rabbi

2011-09-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a rabbi," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but completely irrelevant…”

Two Donkeys - Salt & Sponges

2011-09-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

The following allegory was shared by the Ben Eish Chai, Rabbi Yosef Chaim of Bagdad (died 1900).

There were once two donkeys. One was carrying a load of salt. The salt was very heavy and the donkey struggled mightily to bear his burden. The other donkey was carrying sponges. He didn’t even feel his load and walked gleefully on the trail as if there was nothing on his back, whatsoever.

Eventually they came to a stream. When the donkey, who was carrying the salt, entered the water, the salt began to melt. After a few minutes the salt totally dissolved. By the time he emerged from the stream, he was carrying empty sacks on his back. Relieved from his burden, he began to walk with happiness and ease.

Whereas, when the second donkey entered the stream, water rushed into the packs and flooded the sponges, creating a very heavy load for the donkey. Indeed, the weight was more than he could bear and the donkey’s life was endangered as he struggled to keep his head above the water.

Thus, the heavy load of salt served to benefit the first donkey because after he entered the water, his load was lifted, and he found ease and tranquility. Whereas when the second donkey entered the water the light sponge turned into an unbearable burden that nearly cost him his life.

Fearing G-d

2011-09-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

And so Lord our G-d, instill fear of You upon all that You have made, and dread of You upon all that You have created; all your creatures should fear you, and all creations should prostrate themselves to You… —High Holiday Amidah.

A strange prayer, would you not say? We are told all day that fear is our greatest enemy. One of the great mantras of Eleanor Roosevelt was, “we have nothing to fear but fear itself.” People spend tens of thousands of dollars to go to therapy and rid themselves of their fears.we all come to shul on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Mature, intelligent and successful people. And what do we pray for? “And so instill fear of You upon all that You have made, and dread of You upon all that You have created.” Just yesterday we paid the therapist $245 to get rid of fear, and today we are asking G-d to instill fear in us? Is this normal? Are we trying to impose neurosis on ourselves?

The answer is both simple and profound. Generally, fear could be very destructive. Fear often paralyzes people; it keeps them stuck in a quagmire. But there is one form of fear that is both necessary and very positive: fear of G-d.

A human being is capable of falling very low. And we must know that G-d is concerned with our behavior each moment and craves us to behave morally and kindly. G-d loves us and empowers us to live great and extraordinary lives, and He anticipates that we make the right choices every moment of our lives. Every person needs to ask himself or herself one question before they do anything: What does G-d think about this? Does He approve? If the answer is yes, go right ahead. If the answer is not, you need to reconsider. This is the right way to live.

And if you truly fear G-d, you are more likely to be fearless in other areas of life. The less you fear G-d, the more you will fear other things in your life. You will fear people, you will fear public opinion, you will fear peer pressure, you will fear yourself, you will fear your mother in law, you will fear the mouse in the house, you will fear what this one says or that one thinks.

The more you fear G-d, the less you will fear everything else. Because if you are truly G-d-conscious, you answer only to one authority. You are not for sale. The sole barometer of your decisions in life is what G-d thinks of them.

So when the Baal Shem Tov was a boy of five he lost both of his parents. He was orphaned from both his father and mother. The last words spoken to him by his father before his passing were: "Yisrolik, fear nothing but G-d alone."

Fear of G-d is one fear modern psychology would do well not throwing out the window.

Story/Joke Quaterback - Sid Luckman & His Shtetel Minded Father

2011-09-27T19:28:00.000-07:00

You know the story about Sid Luckman. Sid was one of the best Football Quarter Back players ever. Born in Brooklyn, he became a 6-time All-Pro Football QB. He led the Chicago Bears to 4 NFL titles and is shrined in the Football Hall of Fame.

His parents were immigrants, and they knew nothing about football. They came from the Shtetl.

And so, when he was about to play in his first professional game, he thought that it would be only appropriate to invite his parents to watch him play football and get a little bit of “nachas.”

He didn’t want them to be placed up in the stands somewhere, where they would be completely lost. So he had them sit on the bench with the players. In the middle of the game, Luckman drops back, and a line backer comes through the line, and starts to chase him.

Sid is fast. He scrambles with that ball; he’s running down the sideline with all his energy and might, and a couple of huge 6-foot tall, muscular, powerful fellows are running after him...

He runs right in front of his parents. It looks like he is running for his life. At which point, his father yells out in great fear:

“Sid, give them the ball, I’ll buy you another one...“

Barefoot

2011-09-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

Barefoot

When G-d first revealed Himself to Moses from the Burning Bush, He said to him, “Remove your shoes from your feet.” With this command, G-d impressed an important point on Moses.

That point was that when you walk down the road in shoes, you stroll easily. The shoes that you wear protect you from feeling the little stones and the sharp pebbles on the road.

However, when you walk down the road barefoot, you feel every little stone and every sharp pebble that you step on.

As Moses was being appointed to lead Israel, he was commanded to remove his shoes. This hinted to the fact that he had to walk through life “barefoot”, so that he could feel and understand every little pain and every little sorrow which was the lot of his people.

The true Jewish leader cannot isolate himself from the plight of his people. He cannot put on the figurative shoes of indifference, caring for himself, at the cost of feeling the distress of his flock.

Similarly, each of us should take off the shoes of apathy, and be sensitive to the even the smallest opportunities for kindness. We never know which minor gestures on our part could make a difference in people’s lives.

Parable - Throwing 17,000 shekels off the roof

2011-09-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

. Lesson from the Economic Crisis

“From a narrow place I call out to you, oh G-d; answer me from an expansive place.” – The first of seven verses resided before the blowing of the shofar.

We are experiencing an economic crisis. Some of us have endured difficult times. We all hope and pray that this year brings all of us much success and abundant prosperity. Yet we ought not to allow the financial challenges of these past years to slip away without teaching us one important lesson about life.

I will illustrate it with a story:

About ten years ago a rich Israeli businessman who we will call Jerry was on the top of the world. He was a multi-millionaire, toured the globe enjoying the best hotels, restaurants, cars and anything that money could buy. He was a self-made-man who loved his creator (i.e. himself). He was arrogant, cold, tough, and boatful. But a number of years ago, like many others, he made some big investment mistakes, and began to lose his fortune. In just months every penny he had saved and slaved for was gone and he was a pauper. And after he liquidated all his assets and even sold his house to pay his debts he still owed 17,000 shekels to the Israeli Revenue Service.

He asked an old friend for a loan. He went up to his friend’s office at the 49th floor of the Azrieli center in Tel Aviv. His friend gave him 17,000 shekel and the man left the office.

With nothing better to do he decided to walk around and have a look. After a few minutes of strolling he noticed a set of stairs leading up to a large metal door, which he ascended and opened the door. A cold autumn wind blew into his face. It was the door leading to the roof, 'why not', he thought to himself as he went out.

Ah it was beautiful! From here he could see far into the distance; the Judean hills in one direction, the wide, vast Mediterranean sea on the other. He just stood there, thinking and trying to enjoy the weather when suddenly a loud thud behind him broke his thoughts; a quick glance revealed that the wind slammed the door shut. He decided it was time to go back.

He went to the door and tried to open it but it seemed to be locked. He tried peering from all sorts of angles to figure out the latch but he couldn't. So he began to pound on the door and when that didn't work, to kick at it. For sure someone would hear.

But no one did. The wind was getting stronger and colder now and he wasn't really dressed for this. He looked around for some object to hit the door with, to attract attention and get out but there was none. He still had a good hour before dark; people were probably still in their offices so he pounded, kicked and yelled but there was no response.

When he took out his black berry he discovered that the battery was dead. Totally dead! Of all times for this to happen!

But he didn't lose his composure. He had to work fast. He went to the edge of the building, peered over the small protective fence and began waiving his arms and yelling to the people far below which, after just five minutes, he realized was totally futile. There was no way that anyone would notice him from 49 floors below. But he had to remain calm. It was his only chance. Soon it would be dark and really cold. And there was nowhere to get protection from the wind, which was getting colder by the minute.

Suddenly he had an idea. The money! He had 17,000 shekels in his pocket. For sure if he threw a 200 shekel note down people would look up to see where it was coming from… and see him.

He pulled out a stack of bills, removed one, looked over the fence and threw it. He watched as it floated crazily in the wind and finally, after several minutes, landed on the other side of the street, someone stopped, bent down, picked it up and continued walking.

This time he took out five bills, 1,000 altogether and let them drop… but it was the same thing. No one noticed them until they hit the ground, then they picked them up, looked around for more and kept going.

He knew what he had to do! It was his only chance! He took all the money from his pocket, tore the band that held it neatly in a pack and with a yell, threw it below as hard as he could. With his last optimism he gazed as it scattered far below him. He removed his shirt and began waving it frantically for someone to notice. But he couldn't believe his eyes; not only did no one look up or hear his cries for help; they were all arguing down there about who saw which bill first!

He looked around on the roof, the sun was setting, it was still light enough to see, but he saw nothing……. only the sky.

His eyes filled with tears, suddenly he felt small, he needed help; he was sure that G-d would help him. The sky said so. A second ago he didn't even believe there was such a thing but now it was obvious… he wasn't alone. He yelled out, "HaShem! HaShem! (G-d)…. help! Help me!"

Suddenly his eye caught a medium sized sack of small pebbles. Why didn't he see it before? But there it was! He dragged it to the fence, took a handful, said a prayer, threw it over the side and began waving his arms and looking down again.

Sure enough, this time it worked! People began cursing; looking up pointing and screaming at him. Probably all of them called the police because in just moments the door burst open, police with guns drawn stormed through, put handcuffs on him and took him to the station. He was saved!

It took some serious explaining. He was lucky that no one was really hurt from his pebbles and, of course, he lost the 17,000 shekel and still owed the taxes. But after a few days they accepted his story and let him out.

At that moment he discovered a deep lesson: the people on the street, were just like him. All the time money was raining down the people never looked up… they looked only down, for more money. But as soon as they started feeling the pebbles hurting them they looked up to see where they were coming from.

How true of life. When we have everything we need, we sometimes take it for granted and we never look up. We can become insensitive to the plight of others; we feel we don’t need anybody. We are on top of the world. Only when we feel the “pebbles” falling on us, does it make us look up… look up beyond ourselves… see that there is something that transcends our egos, there is a higher source, to whom we are responsible.

This is the meaning of the above verse: We tend to call out to G-d “min hamatzar,” from a narrow place. Yet we ask of Him to answer us with expansiveness, with prosperity. Once we have learnt the lesson, let us all be blessed with tremendous wealth, so we can utilize the Divine gift to help people.

To Die as a Jew

2011-09-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

At the D Day Museum in New Orleans there was a traveling exhibit about
Jewish soldiers who fought in WWII.

At the exhibit there was a video with Jewish soldiers discussing their
experiences as they were getting ready to go over to the European theater.
One of the people interviewed was a Mr. Bentley Kassal and he said something
amazing that I include at the end of this email. I found this was very
moving.

By the way if you go to Wikipedia you will see that Bentley was a NY state
judge and a so called 'secular' Jew who was very progressive and left
leaning. I think this makes it even more special.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bentley_Kassal

Paraphrasing from the video:

"THE DAY BEFORE WE WERE TO HEAD OVER TO EUROPE OUR COMMANDER TOLD US THAT WE
SHOULD NOT CARRY THE H (HEBREW) DOG TAGS, AS SOMETIMES WHEN THE GERMANS
CAPTURE SOLDIERS IF SOMEONE HAS AN H DOG TAG THEY ARE SEPARATED AND KILLED
ON THE SPOT. WE SHOULD CARRY EITHER A P (PROTESTANT) OR C (CATHOLIC) OR NO
DOG TAG AT ALL. THAT NIGHT BENTLEY SAID "I COULD NOT SLEEP I IMAGINED MYSELF
DYING IN BATTLE AND LAYING FOREVER UNDER A CROSS SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE." THE
NEXT DAY I TOLD MY COMMANDER I AM KEEPING MY DOG TAG WITH AN H AND I AM
TAKING IT WITH ME WHEREVER I GO!"

Matchmaker in the Sky

2011-09-22T19:42:00.001-07:00

It is said that God is the greatest matchmaker in the world and his first
successful "shidduch" or match, Adam and Eve, were the best match in human
history.
In heaven, Adam and Eve ask the Almighty why this is so.
"Well," God replied, "Adam, you didn't have to hear about all of the men
Even could have married, and Eve, you didn't have to hear about how well
Adam's mother cooked."

Faithful Friends

2011-09-22T19:39:00.001-07:00

One sunny Sabbath afternoon Shlomo and Moishe, two old friends, meet for the
first time in a few years. After exchanging the usual pleasantries Shlomo
says, "Moishe, people are telling me you don't go to synagogue anymore. Can
it be true? You no longer believe in God?"
Moishe looks uncomfortable and quickly changes the subject.
The next afternoon, they meet on the bench again and Shlomo persists. "You
must tell me Moishe. You don't believe in God anymore?
Moishe replies, "Here's a straight answer to your straight question: no I
don't."
Shlomo asks, "So why didn't you tell me yesterday?"
Moishe shocked to the point of disgust, exclaims, "On Shabbos?! God forbid!"

The physicist

2011-09-22T19:38:00.001-07:00

A physicist is giving a lecture at a Jewish seniors residence and explaining
that in 4 and 1/2 billion years the sun will exhaust itself of fuel and burn
out and all life at we know it in the solar system will end.
Upset, Saul Epstein yells out, "Is there anything we can do professor? Can
we form any congressional committees, or donate money for research?"
The physicist responds, "Sir, why are you so upset? This won't happen for 4
and a half billion years?"
"Oh, thank God," says Mr. Epstein. "I thought you said it would happen in 4
and a half million years."

Marital research

2011-09-22T19:36:00.001-07:00

Isaac has been quietly perusing a document for some time and his wife Rose
is getting curious. So she asks him, "Nu, so what are you reading, Isaac?"
"Our ketubah," he replies.
"But you've been staring at it now for nearly an hour," she says.
"I know," Isaac replies. "I'm looking for something."
"So what are you looking for, Isaac?" asks Rose.
"An expiry date," he replies.

The Joys of Fatherhood

2011-09-22T19:35:00.001-07:00

Sam picked up his wife Becky and their new baby from hospital and brought
them home. It was not long before Becky suggested that Sam try his hand at
changing a diaper.
"I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do the next one."
The next time soon came around so Becky asked him again.
Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently, "I didn't mean the next diaper, I
meant the next baby."

The Air Up There

2011-09-22T19:33:00.001-07:00

Sadie has died and today is her funeral. Her husband Nathan and many of
their family and friends are standing round the grave as Sadie's coffin is
lowered into the ground. Then, as is the custom, many of the mourners pick
up some shovels and help to fill the open grave with earth.
But on their way back to the prayer hall, the sky suddenly darkens, rain
starts to fall, flashes of lightening fill the sky and loud thunder rings
out.
Nathan turns to his rabbi and says, "Well rabbi, she's arrived alright."

2011-09-22T19:32:00.003-07:00

Under Pressure
submitted by: Miriam Horowitz
An old man once entered an insurance office and asked to take out a life
insurance. "We're sorry," he was told, "We don't give life insurances to
anyone over 80 years old".
"That's not fair," the man protested, "you just gave one to my father last
week!"
"Your father?" was the incredulous reply, "we must check that out. What was
his name?" They investigated the matter and sure enough, it appeared that
they had, indeed, given this old man's father a life insurance.
"Well," said the administrator, "If we gave your father an insurance policy,
it is only fair that we give you one as well. We'll have to set up a date
for you to come by and sign the policy. Is next Tuesday good for you?"
"No", said the old man, "I can't come next Tuesday, my grandfather is
getting married."
"Your grandfather?!?"
"Yes. But actually, he doesn't really want to get married but his parents
are putting pressure on him"!

God's Children

2011-09-22T19:31:00.001-07:00

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
"Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" asked the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.

2011-09-22T19:30:00.001-07:00

Doctor Myers
Issy is not well and goes to see Doctor Myers. After examining him, Doctor
Myers says, "Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions."
"OK," says Issy, "how much is this going to cost me?"
"The 12 sessions plus drugs will cost you $1000," replies Doctor Myers.
"Oy," says Issy, "I’m not a wealthy man, Doctor. Couldn’t you make it less?"
"Well … I could do it for $850," replies Doctor Myers.
"It’s still more than I can afford, Doctor," says Issy. "I’ve got 3 children
and a wife to support."
"OK," says Doctor Myers, "how about $700?"
"It’s still too high, Doctor," says Issy. "My business is doing terrible and
my wife has told her mother that she can live with us."
"Alright already," says Doctor Myers, "I’ll do it for $600 and not a penny
less."
"Thanks doctor, I can do that," says Issy.
"Good," says Doctor Myers, "but tell me – why did you come to me to seek
treatment when you know I’m the most expensive doctor in this area?"
"Well," replies Issy, "you’ve got a marvellous reputation and when it comes
to my health, money is no object!"

In the Name of Love

2011-09-22T19:29:00.001-07:00

It's Morty and Rivkah's 50th wedding anniversary and to celebrate, their son
Aaron invites the close family to a Golden Wedding dinner at his house.
During the evening, Aaron gets very emotional every time he hears his dad
call his mom by such endearing terms as ‘darling', ‘petal', and
‘sweetheart'. It's clear to Aaron that his parents are still very much in
love.
While Rivkah is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and
quietly says, "Dad, I'm so pleased for you both. I think it's fantastic that
after 50 years you're still calling mom by those loving pet names."
But Morty, looking very embarrassed, says, "Things are not always what they
seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth - I forgot your mother's name
about five years ago."

The teeth.

2011-09-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant.
Moshe orders just one plate of salt beef, latkes and new green cucumbers.
Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food. Sadie just sits
there watching him enjoy himself.
Shlomo, sitting at a table nearby, notices that Sadie hasn’t got a meal. He
then gets quite upset when, with plenty of food still left on his plate,
Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin and puts it on the
table.
“How mean,” thought Shlomo, “the elderly lady is just sitting there without
any food. Maybe they can’t afford two meals?”
So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says, “I hope you won’t be offended but I
see you don’t have anything to eat. Could I please treat you to a meal? It
would really make me happy if you said yes.”
Sadie replies, “That’s very kind of you but there is no need to worry about
me. My husband Moshe and I share everything 50/50 and now that he’s eaten
his half, it will soon be my turn.”
“So what are you waiting for?” asks Shlomo.

Take ONLY ONE

2011-09-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were
lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen.
Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large
pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is
watching." At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate
chip cookies.
Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we
want. God is watching the apples."

White hair

2011-09-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her
mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair.
Hannah looked at her mother and said, "Why have you got some white hairs,
mummy?"
Her mother replied, "Well darling, every time a daughter does something bad
to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her mother’s hairs turns white."
Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, "Mummy,
so how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Sir Benjy takes a holiday

2011-09-22T19:18:00.000-07:00

Benjy had done very well in business. He was a multi-millionaire and had
been knighted by the Queen for his endeavours. One day, after completing yet
another very successful business deal, he decided on the spur-of-the-moment
to take his wife Sadie to Israel. He asked his secretary Carol to make the
arrangements.
Carol rang the Tel Aviv Dan hotel and asked to speak to the manager.
“I am happy to inform you that Sir Benjy and his wife have chosen to stay at
the Dan next week. But as they are very wealthy and require total privacy,
they would need to book the entire hotel for their stay. Money is not a
problem. Can you set this up?”

The manager didn’t hesitate. “Yes, I can move all guests to a sister hotel.”

Carol then asked, “Is there a private beach?”
“Yes.”
“What colour is the sand?” asked Carol.
“Silver,” came the reply.
“Well that will be a problem as Sir Benjy always insists on golden sand.”
“OK. I can get round it,” said the manager. “There’s a quarry nearby and I
will arrange for golden sand to be laid on the beach.”
“And finally,” said Carol, “Sir Benjy prefers a blue sky without a cloud in
it. Is the weather going to be perfect next week?”
“No problem,” said the manager, “I will get the Israeli Air Force to seed
the clouds and so disperse them.”
The following week, there was Benjy and Sadie sunbathing on the wide expanse
of the private beach of the Dan hotel. Benjy looked all around him and said,
“Sadie, just look how beautiful everything is. We have privacy, there is not
a sound coming from the hotel, the sand is beautifully clean and golden and
the sky is so blue without a cloud in sight. Sadie, with all of this, who
needs money?”

2011-09-22T19:16:00.001-07:00

Politics
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants
are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but
what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with
a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up
and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our
problems. We'll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States
does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds
everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals,
factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be
over.
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "that's if we lose. But what if we
win?"

Business versus pleasure

2011-09-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

Issy owned a small deli in Hendon. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his
door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Issy had reported a net
profit of £50,000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it.
"It’s like this," said Issy. "I work like a maniac all year round and all of
my family help me out whenever they can. My deli is closed only five times a
year. That’s how I made £50,000."
"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business
travel deductions of £80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return
that you and your wife made fifteen business trips to Israel."
"Oh," said Issy, smiling. "I forgot to tell you that we also deliver."

Joke - That is five kilos of gold

2011-09-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

When Jacob was finally given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to
immigrate to Israel, he was told he could only take what he could put into
one suitcase. At Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official
shouted, "Open your case at once."
Jacob did what he was told. The official searched through his case and
pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a
bust of Stalin.
"What is that?" he shouted at Jacob.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is
that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the
wonderful things he did for me and the marvellous life that I am leaving
behind."
The official sneered. "I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the
bust with you."
When Jacob arrived at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, "Shalom,
welcome to Israel, open your case, please!"
Jacob's case was once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was
found. "What is that?” asked the officer.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is
that?' That is Stalin the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind
me of all the suffering and misery he caused me."
The official laughed, "I always knew you Russians were mad. Go, and take the
bust with you."
When Jacob arrived at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he
unpacked. Jacob carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the
table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is
that?' That is five kilos of gold."

Madame Freda

2011-09-22T19:06:00.001-07:00

For months, Leah had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance
parlour of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and she brings the voices of the dead
from the other world. We all talk to them. Last week, I talked with my
mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril, for only £30 you can talk to your
zaida who you miss so much."
Cyril could not resist and at the next seance, there was Cyril sitting under
the coloured light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each
side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal
ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril's
zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the
other world?"
"Cyril, I am in bliss. I'm with your bubba. We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon
the shining face of the Lord."
Cyril asks his zaida many questions and his zaida answers each, until -
"So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question
I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zaida," sighed Cyril, "when did you learn to speak English?"

The waiter

2011-09-22T19:05:00.001-07:00

Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and
in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get
them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After
they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent
in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says,
"Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

What's in a name?

2011-09-22T19:04:00.001-07:00

Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her
family name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father
says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find
a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father
tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that
he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg,"
exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real good
Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like
Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."

A serious chat With Mum

2011-09-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone.
"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."
"Oh Mummy," Rivkah said crying, "I'm having a bad day. The baby won't eat
and the washing machine won't work. I've sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling
around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the
Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go
shopping."
The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mummy handle it.
Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do
your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby
and I'll call an engineer I know who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop
crying. I'll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he
should come home to help out for once."
"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"
"Why, David 's your husband....Is this 0208 123 3749?"
"No, this is 0208 123 3747."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number."
There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming
over?"

The trouble with phobias

2011-09-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

Simon has a problem. In fact he’s had a problem for so long that it’s
beginning to worry him to death. Finally, he decides he has to do something
about it and goes to see Dr Bloom, his local psychiatrist.
"Oy, doctor, have I got a problem," says Simon. "Every night, when I get
into my bed, I think there's a crazy person under it ready to do me some
serious harm. I'm goingmeshugga with fear. Please help me."
"Don’t worry, Simon," says Dr Bloom, "I can cure you of your fears, but it
will not happen overnight."
"So how long will it take, doctor?" asks Simon.
"Well," replies Dr Bloom, thinking, "come to me twice a week for 3 months
and I’ll rid you of your phobia."
"And how much do you charge a session, doctor?" asks Simon.
“My charges are £100 per session," replies Dr Bloom.
"But that will cost me £2,600 in total," says Simon. "I’m going to have to
think about it and let you know. I can’t easily afford that kind of money."
Many months later, Simon meets Dr Bloom in Waitrose supermarket. "So why
didn't you decide to let me cure you of your fears?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Well," replies Simon, "As I told you then, your fees were really too high
for me. And then my rabbi gave me the cure for nothing. I was so happy to
have saved all that money that I went on a week’s holiday to Tel Aviv."
"So how, may I ask, did your rabbi cure you?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Easy," replies Simon, "he told me to cut the legs off my bed. It’s now so
low that nobody can possible get under it."

The car crash - Rabbi & Preist

2011-09-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into a car accident and it's a bad one.
Both cars are crushed but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After
they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi Bloom sees the priest's collar and says,
"Just look at our cars - there's nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a
priest and I'm a rabbi so it must be a sign from God. He must have meant
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of
our days."
Father Michael replies, "I agree with you completely. This truly must be a
sign from God."
Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's another miracle. Although my car is
wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't break. God must want us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to the priest.
Father Michael takes a few big swigs and passes the bottle back to Rabbi
Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands it back to the priest.
Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having any wine?"
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police," says Rabbi Bloom.

The Old Man

2011-09-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

Arnold had reached the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to shul.
Worried by Arnold's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his
Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked,
"How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
Arnold looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he
whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then
I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and
must have forgotten about me and I don't want to remind him."

The little village

2011-09-22T18:23:00.001-07:00

The little village
The little village was very poor. The people could hardly pay their rabbi.
It was lucky that the rabbi was such a pious man who fasted twice a week,
because if he wasn’t, he would have starved.

The grown-ups

2011-09-22T18:22:00.001-07:00

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the Rabbi asked if the
children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children
of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians
and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this
time?"

Rabbi and Money - JK

2011-09-22T18:21:00.000-07:00

As soon as Rabbi Levy entered his office, there was Arnold waiting for him.
"I need your advice, Rabbi," says Arnold.
"OK Arnold, how can I help, what’s bothering you?" asks Rabbi Levy
"Rabbi," asks Arnold, "is it right for one man to make money from another
man's errors?"
"No Arnold, it certainly isn’t," replies Rabbi Levy.
"Are you absolutely sure about that?" asks Arnold.
"About that, Arnold, I’m absolutely positive," replies Rabbi Levy.
"I’m so pleased to hear you say this, Rabbi," says Arnold, "so could you
please return the £300 I gave you to marry me to my wife Sadie?"

Career mapping

2011-09-22T18:19:00.001-07:00

Abe and his young son Sam are in shul one shabbes morning when Sam says,
"When I grow up, dad, I want to be a Rabbi."
"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to shul on shabbes anyway, I figure it
will be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen."

"You put him to sleep. YOU wake him up!"

2011-09-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

The new rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the
shammes to come over. The rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is
asleep. Wake him up."
The shammes replied, "You put him to sleep. YOU wake him up!"

Waiter - is anything ok?

2011-09-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

A waiter approaches a group of elderly diners, "is anything ok?" he asks.

gentile joke

2011-09-20T20:34:00.001-07:00

A gentile goes into a clothing store and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "It’s $500."
The gentile says, "OK, I'll take it.
***********************************************
Two gentiles meet on the street.
The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking!"
***********************************************
A gentile man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
***********************************************
A gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant. The man says: "I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee."
The waiter asks, "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?" The man says, "I'd like the steak medium......the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says, "Thank you."
***********************************************
A gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks, "Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I'm feeling fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling." ***********************************************
Now you know why there are no gentile jokes.

Morals

2011-09-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

Morals

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk."

A young executive was preparing to leave the office...

2011-09-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

A young executive was preparing to leave the office...

A young executive was preparing to leave the office late one evening, when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"This is a very sensitive and important document," said the CEO, "and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you get this thing to work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive eagerly. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the START button.
"Excellent! Thank you!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just needed one copy..."

Native American's Memory

2011-09-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

A father and his son are hiking in the Grand Canyon. They go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a Native American sitting on a rock.

The father points to the Native American and says, "Son, Native Americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world!"

The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the Native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday?"

Without hesitation the Native American responds, "Eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father!

30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same Native American on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this Native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "How?"

The Native American responds, "Scrambled."

"Change must come from within."

2011-09-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen
master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the
bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. The hot dog vendor
responds, "Change must come from within."

Joke - G-d's getting better at it, isn?t he??

2011-09-15T20:13:00.000-07:00

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather?s lap as he read her a bedtime
story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek,
then his again.Finally she spoke up, ?Grandpa, did God make you???Yes,
sweetheart,? he answered, ?God made me a long time ago.??Oh,? she paused,
?grandpa, did God make me too???Yes, indeed, honey,? he said, ?God made you
just a little while ago.?Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
?God?s getting better at it, isn?t he??

Just Stay - Story

2011-09-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

Just Stay

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.

"Your son is here," she said to the old man.

She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.

Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.

He refused.. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.

"Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.

"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"

"I knew right away there had been a mistake,

but I also knew he needed his son, and his

son just wasn't here.

When I realized that he was too sick to tell
whether or not I was his son,
knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."

I came here tonight to find a Mr. William Grey.
His Son was Killed in Iraq today, and I was sent to
inform him.. What was this Gentleman's Name?

The Nurse with Tears in Her Eyes Answered,
Mr.. William Grey.............

The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.

**************

WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A
TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.

WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

PLEASE PASS THIS ONE ON AND GOD WILL BLESS YOU!

THIS IS WHAT WE ARE PUT ON THIS EARTH TO DO ANYWAY. RIGHT ?

HAVE A GREAT DAY AND BLESS SOMEONE ELSE IN SOME LITTLE WAY TODAY!

Jewish Samurai - Joke

2011-05-24T12:27:00.001-07:00

Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai.
So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was
searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding
position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he
should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out
popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead,
chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The emperor then issued
the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he
should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed
a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into
four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate
why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox,
and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still
alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that
gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to
kill."

Of course I'm a vet!

2011-04-29T15:36:00.001-07:00

One early winter morning, an old Chassid was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water trying hard to stay afloat. The old Chassid jumped in and after a struggle managed to bring it out alive.

A passer by saw this and said, "That was so very brave of you! Are you a vet?"

The old Chassid replied, "Of course I'm a vet! I'm a freezing cold as vell!"

“if I knew how to sign my name I would have become the shamash"

2011-03-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

An immigrant got off the boat in NY. With no language and no contacts, he went looking for a menial job at the local Lower East Side synagogue. He applied to be the shamash (sexton) of the shul. Following a positive interview, he was given a contract to sign. Instead of signing his name he placed an X on the dotted line. “No, that will not do,” said the employer, “we need you to sign the contract with your full name.” “I can’t,” the greenhorn immigrant blurted out, “I don’t how to write.” “Well, in that case, I am sorry but we cannot hire you. The job requires someone who can write in English.”

Dejected, he left and went off searching for opportunities. Resourceful as he was, with a pinch of desperation, he eked out a job. Over the years, with diligence, ingenuity and persistence he climbed the ladder and ultimately became a very prosperous man. He became known in town for his enormous wealth, and was greatly respected by his peers and above all, by the banks that readily issued him the loans he requested.

One day, a new bank manager was going over this fellow’s latest loan application, and notices that instead of a signature there is an X at the bottom. The manager calls him up and says, “my dear sir, you forgot to sign the application.” “I did sign it with an X,” he replied. She was bewildered. “Why do you sign with an X and not with your name, if I may ask.” “Well,” he sheepishly replied, “I never learned how to sign my name.” The bank manager smiled and remarked: “Now listen here. You made so much money without knowing the language. Just imagine how much more successful you would have become had you received an education and learned to sign your name.”

“Madam,” the gentleman calmly said, “if I knew how to sign my name I would have become the shamash in the local synagogue…”

Our Grandchild Comes Home

2011-03-01T15:08:00.000-08:00

Our Grandchild Comes Home

There was a very secular Jews living in Tel Aviv, who had absolutely no interest in anything related to Judaism. He was a self-proclaimed leftist anti-religious type of fellow. One day he was walking passed a shul in Tel Aviv and there was a Jew standing outside the shul yelling "Mincha! Mincha!" We need one man. The fellow continued walking. The Jew ran after him and explained that they needed a tenth man for the minyan. He replied, "I'm not interested." But the Jew was persistent (perhaps he had Yahrtzeit...). He kept begging and begging, until finally against his better judgment, the secular Jew fellow allowed himself to be pulled into the synagogue for the afternoon prayer service.

As hard as it is to believe, unfortunately, there are many Jews in Eretz Yisrael who have never witnessed, let alone, participated, in a minyan, in a prayer service, they never even witnessed other people praying. This Jew was one of them. He grew up in a very secular home. His grandfather was observant, but his parents have become completely secular and they never ever took him to a shul.

The fellow sat in shul watching people say Ashrei, say Kaddish, and then everyone stood up to daven Shmoneh Esrei, the Amidah. Shul goers have seen this all our lives, and think that it is no big deal to see people standing, "shuckling" (rocking back and forth), quietly reciting the standing prayer. But the first time a person sees this, it can be an amazing sight when suddenly Jews who don’t stop yapping, stand in silence, sway back and forth, and talk to G-d.

This secular Israeli was taken aback by what he saw during those 15 minutes of praying Mincha in the Tel Aviv shul. He left the synagogue immediately after Mincha, but he decided that he would have to look into the matter further. He began studying Judaism seriously and ultimately got very involved in Jewish life and observance.

The story began circulating in town. One friend was scoffing about this to this man’s father. “What happened to your son? He is a clever and educated man. How did he get brainwashed in 15 minutes?”

The father, himself a very secular Jew, responded that there was much more to the story than what meets the eye.

You see, he said, “my own father, the boy's grandfather, was a deeply religious European Jew. He came to Tel Aviv many years ago, and lived his life as an observant Jew in Tel Aviv. I, like many of my generation of young sabras, abandoned Jewish observance completely. We were determined to form a new generations of Jews, good Zionists, but completely secular. Nationalism replaced spirituality.

“But you see, my father davened every single day in a specific shul in Tel Aviv. He davened with devotion and concentration, while we mocked his sincerity and faith which was inconsistent with the modern age. Do you know in which shul he davened? It was the very shul that was lacking one man for a minyan for Mincha the day my son passed by and was pulled in.

“I know that it was the intense prayers of my father which called his grandson back to this very same synagogue… it was not only 15 minutes that he spent in a shul; it was 15 minutes in a shul soaked with my father’s tears, blood, sweat, faith, and self-sacrifice for Judaism. That is what did my son in…”

Special Needs Baseball

2010-10-31T19:47:00.000-07:00

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its

dedicated staff, he offered a question:

'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a fatherI also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the

plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!

Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay,

all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!

Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Yehuda Avner & The Rebbe - " You need to light the candel"

2010-10-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

- Mr. Yehuda Avner was an advisor to five Israeli Prime Ministers and was

an Israeli ambassador to the UN. In 1977 he met with President Carter, and

then Menachem Begin sent him to report to the Rebbe. He sat with him for

several hours and they discussed many subject, several of which he refuses

to tell anybody about.

At midnight, the Rebbe saw that Yehuda Avner was tired. He put his holy

hands on Mr. Avner and asked him why he’s not a Chossid. Mr Avner replied

that there are people in his family who see powers in the Rebbe which the

Rebbe himself doesn’t even realize.

The Rebbe then told Mr. Avner what his job entails:

“You open up a cupboard and you see a candle inside. But in reality it is

not a candle. It is but a lump of wax and a string through the middle. When

does it become a candle? Only when you put a flame to it, then it becomes a

candle and it fulfills the purpose for which it was created.”

And immediately the conversation moved on to the next subject.

At 2:10am, Yehuda and the Rebbe finished the meeting and when Mr. Avner rose

to leave, he turned around and asked the Rebbe “Has the Rebbe lit my

candle?”

The Rebbe replied “No. I have only given you the match. You need to light

your own candle!”

Big Sitting Shiva - Joke

2010-09-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

A Jewish boy comes home to his mother and tells her he has met a wonderful girl, and they are to be married.

"Oh, that's nice" says Momma. "And what is this girls name?"

The son tells her that his fiancee is a Native American and is called Little Running Deer.

"That's nice, honey" says Momma, trying to keep a straight face.

The son then tells his momma that he wants to be called by his "new" Native American name too, and that from now on she should call him "Swift Flying Arrow".

"OK, honey, whatever you wish" says Momma.

Then the son says, "You should get a Native American name too, Momma".

"I've already got one," replies Momma. "It's Big Sitting Shiva"

Story: Mute Boy

2010-09-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

Mute Boy

After the war a rescuer who was looking for hidden children survivors came

across a 11-12 year old boy who was raised in a non Jewish home and was

known as a mute. No one had ever heard him speak. The boy when he saw this

man was Jewish asked him"is the Gerer Rebbe still alive?" The rescuer

reassured the child that the gerer Rebbe was alive in Eretz Yisroel. The

boy lifted his shirt and showed him under his clothing wrapped around his

frail body was a pair of teffilin. These teffilin my father gave me the last

day I saw him when he gave me to this non Jewish family to be saved and he

told me that I should wear them when I have my bar mitzvah. I wrapped the

teffilin around my body in order that I should never lose them or be

separated from them. "Why have you acted mute all this time"? asked the man.

The boy replied "the non Jew who took me in as his own told me that if

anyone asked my religion I would have to say I was a non Jew. I decided that

I could not do that and from then on I would never talk in order that I

should never ever have to say that I was not Jewish. Since that day I have

never spoken to anyone you are the first person I have spoken to. Please

take me to see the eretz Yisrael I want to see the gerer Rebbe."

The vows the untruths we say in our actions and our deeds we act as maaranos

etc.hiding jewishness

The Dancer

2010-09-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

The Dancer

....Some of you may have heard of a woman by the name of Gillian Lynne. She's a ballerina and choreographer, famous for many Broadway productions (such as Cats, and Phantom of the Opera).

When Gillian was in school, in the '30s, she was hopeless. She couldn't concentrate, she was fidgeting. Now they'd probably say she had ADHD. The school wrote to her parents and said, "We think Gillian has a learning disorder." So her mother took her, aged eight, to see a specialist in a big oak-panelled room, and she was led and sat on a chair at the end, and she sat on her hands for 20 minutes while this man talked to her mother about all the problems Gillian was having at school, disturbing people, late homework, and so on.

Finally the doctor said, "Gillian, I've listened to all these things that your mother's told me, and I need to speak to her privately. Wait here, we won't be very long," and they went and left her. But as they went out the room, he turned on the radio on his desk. As soon as they were outside the room, he said to her mother, "Now, just stand and watch her." And sure enough, the minute they left the room little Gillian was on her feet, moving to the music. They watched for a few minutes and he turned to her mother and said, "Mrs. Lynne, Gillian isn't sick, she's a dancer. Take her to a dance school."

The rest is history. She went to dance school - full of people like herself, and ended up a multi-millionaire, responsible for some of the most successful musical theatre productions in history.

Gillian's story is the story of the Jewish soul. She herself was unaware of the talent which lay latent within. Only after being recognised by a professional and after being educated in the correct way - did she blossom to fulfil her real potential.

Our neshama too has latent potential. Our neshama also wants to "dance," needs to dance - but we usually don't let it do the things it wants to do. We carry it round with us to places it does not belong, seeing things it does not want to see, eating things it does not want to eat, and we are often surprised when do not feel content: when our lives sometimes feel empty or unfulfilled.

On Rosh Hashana we focus on our neshama. Like Gillian we need to let our soul hear the music and let it dance. Bring it to shul, bring it to a Torah class, and help it to reconnect with its source. Let it light Shabbat candles, and lay tefillin, give charity and visit the sick. Let it get re-accustomed to the Hebrew letters in the siddur, so that the words of the prayers flow naturally .... etc etc\\

Why Should I buy Tefillin?

2010-09-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

Why Should I buy Tefillin?

In answer to a number of emails sent to me privately – in case anyone is wondering if the historical/holocaust emotional stuff really works let me tell you of something that happened to my son R’ Eli Gutnick here in Melbourne this past Elul.

Eli is our sofer here in Melbourne and he regularly speaks to Bar Mitzvah boys and their fathers about Tephilin – shows them how they’re made etc. After addressing one school group during this past Elul one very sceptical father talks to him and finishes with “Give me one good reason that will convince me, a totally non-practicing Jew, to fork out money to buy a pair of tephillin for my son.”

Without saying a word Eli takes out his iphone and brings up the famous picture of the barefooted yid standing next to a line of bodies (he was reportedly reciting Kaddish) He is wrapped in a Tallis and broken-open tephillin are prominently on his head and arm. A group of grinning and laughing Nazi soldiers are standing around him posing with the Jew they are about to murder.

The father looks at the picture for a good few minutes then looks up at Eli and says “How much is your most expensive pair....?”

It’s an appropriate thought for Yizkor – with the usual lesson that we who say Yizkor should reassure the neshomos of our parents and Kedoshim who join us for those special moments that we and our children are Thank G-d able to put on Tallis and Tephillin and pledge greater commitment to do so and to generally carry on the heritage we have received from them. We need to be able to tell them proudly that we are part of assuring that “Am Yisroel Chai....”.

He always made his own sandwhiches

2010-07-22T22:59:00.000-07:00

There once was 3 me. One Scottish, one irish, and one jewish.

Every day they went to work. They were builders. They were working on the top of a building.

The scottish man pulls out his lunch and says "TUNA! I hate TUNA! If my wife gives me tuna tomorow i will jump off this building!"

The Irish man says "EGG! I hate EGG! If my wife gives me egg tomorow i will jump off this building!"

The Jewish man says "HUMOUS! I hate Humous! If my wife gives me humous tomorow i will jump off this building!"

The next day the scottish man pulls out his lunch and says "TUNA! Thats it!" and jumps off th building.

The irish man says "EGG! Thats it!" and jumps off the building.

The jewish man says "HUMOUS! Thats it!" and jumps off the building.

The next day the wifes get interviewed.

The scottish and irish wives says "If h had just had just told me he didnt like it i would have made him something different."

The Jewish wife says "I dont understand. He always made his own sandwhiches.

Joke - Sure is hot down here!

2010-07-01T21:29:00.001-07:00

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 May 2003

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Yeshiva Skier - Joke

2010-01-14T07:59:00.000-08:00

**In a slalom race, the skier must pass through about 20 gates in the fastest time.**

*
**Well, it happened that a very Orthodox Yeshiva in Montreal had an exceptional skier among its students. So fast, that in practice, with tzitzis streaming out behind, he had beaten the world record several times.**
**After first checking to make sure none of the men's slalom races would be on the Sabbath, he tried out for and made the Canadian Winter Olympic team.**
**With his times in the trial heats, he was the favorite for an Olympic gold medal.**
**Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.***

*
The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds.
The Swiss in 38.7 seconds.
The German in 37.8 seconds.
The Italian in 38.1 seconds.*

*
Then came the turn of the Canadian Yeshiva bocher. The crowd waited, and waited . . . .
Finally, after a full five minutes, he crossed the finish line.
"What happened to you?" screamed his coach when the skier finally arrived.*

*
Breathing hard, the exhausted yeshiva student replied, "All right, who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?"*

Year 2100: Jewish women will be lighting Shabbos candles.

2010-01-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

Back in the mid nineties a Jewish advertising executive in New York came up with an idea.What if the New York Times - considered the world's most prestigious newspaper - listed the weekly Shabbat candle lighting time each week. Sure someone would have to pay for the space. But imagine the Jewish awareness and pride that might result from such a prominent mention of the Jewish Shabbat each week.He got in touch with a Jewish philanthropist and sold him on the idea. It cost almost two thousand dollars a week. But he did it. And for the next five years, each Friday, Jews around the world would see 'Jewish Women: Shabbat candle lighting time this Friday is .'. Eventually the philanthropist had to cut back on a number of his projects. And in June 1999, the little Shabbat notice and stopped appearing in the Friday Times. and from that week on it never appeared again.Except once.On January 1, 2000, the NY Times ran a Millennium edition. It was a special issue that featured three front pages. One had the news from January 1, 1900. The second was the actual news ofthe day, January 1, 2000. And then they had a third front page. Projecting future events of January 1, 2100. This fictional page included things like a welcome to the fifty-first state: Cuba. As well as a discussion as to whether robots should be allowed to vote. And so on. And in addition to the fascinating articles, there was one more thing. Down on the bottom of the Year 2100 front page, was the candle lighting time in New York for January 1, 2100. Nobody paid for it. It was just put in by the Times. The production manager of the New York Times - an Irish Catholic - was asked about it.His answer was right on the mark.And it speaks to the eternity of our people.And to the power of Jewish ritual."We don't know what will happen in the year 2100. It is impossible to predict the future. But of one thing you can be certain. That in the year 2100 Jewish women will be lighting Shabbos candles.

'These Jews,they don't even keep their own holidays' - Joke

2010-01-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

the story of the Ivan who knocks down theJew in the street. The Jew gives him a coin and says that today is a YomTovwhere we give money to people who hit us and directs him to the Gvir whowill give him big money. Ivan goes to the Gvir's house and when the Gvir comesto the door, Ivan gives him a solid Zetz. The Gvir calls his servants whobeat the living daylight out of Ivan who goes away muttering, 'These Jews,they don't even keep their own holidays'

Ghosts and Spirits

2009-12-24T12:16:00.001-08:00

*Ghosts*
‘It could hardly be real’. Yes, that is probably the best description forghosts, an essence that has no substance.
An adult mind would be inclined to pronounce ‘they just do not exist’, andto a large degree would be correct. But they do have a place in our Torah,and deserve at least some clarification. The Mishna (Avos 5:6) declares ‘...some say that also the mazikin (were created at the end of the sixth day ofcreation).’ Mazikin is one of the Hebrew words that refer to ghosts; it alsomeans ‘harmful ones’. So what are they?
The Talmud speaks about them in a number of places. One of the mostrevealing is a tract (Gittin 68) that discusses the marvels that ShlomoHamelech displayed in the process of building the Beis Hamikdosh (the holyTemple in Yerusholayim), for which he enlisted the ‘services’ of the ‘seniormazik’. This is Rabbi Yochanan’s explanation of the verse (Koheles ii:6)‘... I have made for my own purpose male and female singers, as well asthose things that are pleasurable to mankind, and shido and shidos.’ Because‘sheid’ is Hebrew for ghost, therefore shido and shidos are plural ofghosts. Rabbi Yochanan is saying that Shlomo Hamelech was teaching that G-dcreated everything for the purpose of His Divine Service.
Although the Rabbis banished the ‘spirits’ from ever harming a Jew, theirmark still retains a place in liturgy. Noteworthy amongst these is thesection of prayer that we say in Shul each Friday night after completing theAmidah (the silent supplication), when we add ‘vayechulu’ and ‘mogen ovos’.These prayers are only said by one who is praying in Shul, and wereinstituted by the rabbis during the time when our Shuls were lonelybuildings on the outskirts of the town ‘for the sake of the latecomer whohad not yet completed his prayers and might come to harm when left behindafter all the congregants had concluded their prayers’ (Shulchan Oruch,Orach Chaim 268).
People often confuse this term and then presuppose that a ‘spirit’ has someconnection with a person that has once lived and passed on. But nothingcould further from the truth, as the essence of life, our soul, is a pureentity, and could therefore not possibly be the cause of any harm. In fact,the one thing that a soul dreads is to cause harm to another (which is whywe are so particular to mark out the entire area of a grave – so that nocohen should ever step over this place and thereby bring himself tospiritual harm).
So, what is a ‘ghost’?
Another Talmudic story (Kidushin 29b) may explain. Rabbi Yaakov came toAbayeh’s town and was caused to spend the night in the Shul. A seven-headedghost appeared, but this did not deter Rabbi Yaakov in his prayer. Each timehe bowed to G-d another of these heads rolled off the ghost and when hebowed for the seventh time, the ghost finally perished. The ghost is aspiritual essence that has no substance, and is defied by an increase inspirituality.
Shlomo Hamelech teaches this in Shir Hashirim (iii:7) when he speaks aboutthe 60 warriors that protected him at night. These ‘warriors’ are the 60letters of the ‘Priestly Blessing’, and we recite them each night beforegoing to bed.
Rabbi Schneur Zalman says (Tanya p. 73) that these spirits are what give usmost of our dreams. They are the result of our idle thoughts during the day,and the only harm that they can do to us is the pain that we may experiencethrough anxiety as a result of our dreams. Sometimes the dream itself isharrowing, and sometimes the experience of waking up from a blissful dreamand realising that it was only a dream is what disturbs us. Worse yet, isthe disturbance and worry that we may carry along with us after the dream,for which the best approach would be to do an extra good deed and thenignore the dream.
May we all be privileged to live well and serve G-d with true joy.
Have a wonderful Shabbos.

Owning Downtown Dallas - Joke

2009-12-14T20:02:00.000-08:00

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish
Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they
call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I
have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving
and I own only 300 acres." Roger looks down at him and say, "300
Acres? What do you raise?" "Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John. "Downtown Dallas."

A Longer Cane - Joke

2009-12-14T20:01:00.000-08:00

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had
waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her
turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,amazingly, emerged
within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held
high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up
to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in
bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

Shachrit Every 90 Min!

2009-11-07T17:17:00.001-08:00

NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races, color and creed. They recently realized they had excluded the clergy so they invited a priest, a minister, and a Rabbi to orbit the earth in a shuttle. Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions.
First the priest emerged, beaming and happy. His statement was full of joy. He said, 'It has totally amazing, I saw the sun rise and set, I saw the beautiful oceans.'
Then the minister emerged, also happy and at peace. He said, 'I saw the magnificent earth, our home, I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe.'
Then the Rabbi came out.He was completely disheveled, his beard was tangled and in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can't imagine. They asked him, 'Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?'He threw his hands in the air crazily and replied, "ENJOY??? What was to enjoy??? Oyoyoy! Every 90 minutes the sun was rising and setting!On with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, shacharit, mincha, maariv!... Gevalt!!!!!!"

A Jewish Name- Joke

2009-09-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

What's in a name?
Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her
family name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father
says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find
a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father
tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that
he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg,"
exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real good
Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like
Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."

Walk on Water - Joke

2009-09-22T21:46:00.000-07:00

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake.
The priest tells his two colleagues, "I left my fishing rod in the car; I'll
be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the
beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat.
The rabbi stares at this in amazement.
30minutes later, the minister says, "I need to go to the toilet." He, too,
gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room,
walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely
dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up
and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand on
the beach."
He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH, he goes straight down
under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is
embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two
can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!!
Again, he is dragged out and again he decides to try. As he is going down
for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think
we should show him where the rocks are?"
The Rabbi and his friends - 3
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations
to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws
a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in
the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he
keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands
outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws
all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...

The haircuts - joke

2009-09-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

The haircuts
A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser
and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a
holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on
the house." The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and
leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a
shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don’t have
to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just
couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The monk bows, shakes his
hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next
morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a
haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No,
Rabbi, I couldn’t ask you to pay anything, it’s on the house, you are a
learned and wise man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When
the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he
finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.

The sermon

2009-09-22T21:42:00.002-07:00

One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will
be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would
like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."
The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his
congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?"
Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

The Sunday school lesson - JOke

2009-09-22T21:42:00.001-07:00

make money from another

2009-09-22T21:41:00.001-07:00